


I Could Never Rescue You

by makethingsfunny



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, F/F, the last five years au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:50:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 45,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3431939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makethingsfunny/pseuds/makethingsfunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura Hollis is a talented young writer on the brink of the biggest success of her life and Carmilla Karnstein is a struggling artist trying to find her place in the world. In the five years they spend together, they fall in love and tear each other down. Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you're the right person for them. (The Last Five Years AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Go And Ride The Sun Away

**Author's Note:**

> The Last Five Years is a musical written by Jason Robert Brown chronicling the five-year relationship of a young couple. The story is told in alternating perspectives, with one starting at the beginning of the relationship and moving forward in time with the other starting at the end and moving back. I will be using this same pattern over the course of this work.
> 
> Many thanks to tumblr users carmillaboostein and chiltongirlsdoitbetter for giving me their feedback and encouragement. I probably wouldn't have been able to get this off the ground without them.

_covered with scars I did nothing to earn_

_maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn_

_but that wouldn't change the fact_

_that wouldn't speed the time_

_once the foundation's cracked_

_and I'm still hurting_

 

* * *

 

Even after all this time, after all the years of petty arguments and slammed doors, Carmilla never truly believed it would come to this. Just a week ago, she thought that perhaps they’d still be able to somehow make things work. She still remembered a time when she and Laura had been in sync, when they had been happy. They were never meant to do this to each other, but they’d been set upon a path that Carmilla was never able to halt. She’d spent the last five years hanging on for dear life and she simply could not do it any longer.

Her bags were packed and lined up next to the front door. Will had called a taxi and was currently taking some of the bulkier items ahead. She was lucky to have him, she knew. If she had tried to pack on her own, she wasn’t sure if she would've had the strength to go through with it. Just looking around the apartment that she shared with Laura made her want to call Will back and tell him it was all a mistake. The walls were covered with pictures of the two of them, smiling and laughing like their life together had never derailed, like it was still good. It was suffocating to think about, to think of how good they’d been. To think about how much had changed.

She picked up one of the picture frames from the mantle, frowning at it. It was one of the first pictures they had ever taken together. It was taken at one of Laura’s favorite parks, the High Line, in Manhattan. The park had once been an elevated section of the old New York Central Railroad that had fell to disuse until the city re-purposed it, turning into a beautiful strip of flora for New York's denizens to stroll along. Laura still often went there to write. Even back then, she had a habit of taking up multiple chairs as her writing station so she could look out upon the city while she spun her stories.

This particular moment had been captured after Carmilla’s first meeting with Laura’s father. They took the train out to Laura’s childhood home in Long Island for dinner that night, and the entire ordeal could have gone better, to say the least. To make up for the whole fiasco, Laura insisted they stop by the park, instead of taking Carmilla straight home. They had talked a lot that night, and it was the first time Carmilla had let Laura in. She’d told her about the foster homes and about her adopted mother. She’d talked for hours, shedding layer after layer of the armor she had learned to put on in order to protect herself. In the end, she had never felt more vulnerable or more safe. That was when she knew Laura really might be it.

Clearing her throat, Carmilla replaced the picture on the mantle with the others. Most of them were from before things had started to get bad, and quite a few from their wedding day. Others still were more recent, when they were both pretending everything was fine. Moments were scattered throughout the space they shared, on their walls and filling every crack and corner. The good was just as easy to spot as the bad, though lately there was far more of the latter. They used to fight, but now they didn't even do that. They just existed, and Carmilla wasn’t even sure if they existed on the same plane. Somewhere along the way they had given up.

Even though she lived here, and had for several years, it almost felt like someone else’s home sometimes. Especially when it was clean like this. Everything had a place except for her. It was like she didn’t quite fit, and perhaps she never really had. She was the puzzle piece that wasn’t cut quite correctly, the one you had to force into place, but could never get to sit quite right with the rest of the picture.

That feeling of ill-placement had snuck up on her with increasing frequency, as of late. It felt familiar to her, now, like it had when she was still living in her mother’s house with Will. The day she left that house had been the day she swore she would never feel that way again, but the fights and Laura’s distance had put her right back where she had begun. She was that eighteen-year-old orphan all over again, with nothing but her own two hands to keep herself above water.

She sat down at the table and picked up the pen she had set out, clicking it a few times and chewing on her bottom lip. She should be crying, it felt like. That’s what people in these kinds of situations did, wasn’t it? If this was a movie, there’d be a wide shot on her doubled over, shoulders shaking with sobs you couldn’t hear over a tragic soundtrack. They'd play something by One Republic or Sam Smith. Something relatable. But if this was a movie, Laura would come bursting through the door right as she was about to walk out. They’d kiss and make up and everything would be better. Maybe if this was a movie, they never would have gotten here in the first place.

She furrowed her brows and peered back at her packed bags. She was taking everything that she could, the essentials and what was left of her that wasn’t so stained with Laura. If she was honest, she knew that she would never be able to leave the last five years behind completely. She wasn’t sure if she even wanted to. But she’d keep a few paintings that she couldn’t bear to part with and the things she needed to survive. Laura could deal with everything else. She could keep all of it. This wouldn’t be the first time Carmilla has had to start again from scratch.

A tremulous breath escaped past her lips and she thought that she might cry after all. She set the pen to the stationary in front of her, her brows knitted close together. She had churned the words over in her head again and again while she was packing, but they didn’t seem real until they started showing up in black ink before her eyes.

_Laura,_

_I know this isn’t fair. Maybe the brave thing to do would be to wait until I can say all of this to you in person, and you always did want me to be brave. But this isn’t about what you want. It’s always been about what you want, and I won’t do it anymore. You never could see just how far the crack between us had widened. You never saw how I had run out of rope._

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her keys. Her keys have always been on the scarce side. She didn’t care much for keychains the way that Laura did, and she didn’t own a car. All she had on her keyring was her apartment key, the key to Will’s place, and the key to her studio. It was easy enough to pull the apartment key away from the others and separate it from the ring. She was going to be staying with Will for a while. He had made the offer months ago, but at the time she didn't think she was going to take him up on it.

She set her now-lonely apartment key on the table and picked up her pen again, drawing in a deep breath.

_I’ve tried, Laura. I’ve tried so hard to keep you grounded. I’ve tried to be your anchor, but maybe I was just holding you back. The fact of the matter remains: I could never rescue you. I can’t save you from this life you’ve chosen, and I won’t be a martyr for your happiness._

Her breath hitched in her throat and she tightened her grip on the pen until her knuckles turned white. She couldn’t do this right now, not yet. She’d have time to break down later. If she was lucky, she could wait until Will was asleep, but she had a feeling he was going to hover. He did that a lot. When they were kids, she’d catch him waiting outside her door after she fought with their mother. He’d sneak cookies to her. She always told him to stop and that he was only going to get himself in trouble, too, but he always did it anyway. They had survived together then, and he was going to help her do it again now.

_Please don’t try to find me. I’ve taken everything I need, and you can have the rest. Donate it or sell it, or you can just throw it away, I don’t care. This is it, Laura. I hate that this is where we’ve found ourselves, but know at least that I really did love you. All I ever wanted to do was love you. And I hope, at the end of the day, that you find happiness._

Carmilla struggled a moment with the closing. “Sincerely” felt too cliche, and using anything more personal felt insensitive. She wasn’t writing a love letter, and it would be cruel to treat it as such. She finally settled on simply signing her name before folding the paper in half to set on the table. She held up her left hand to take one last look at the rings that had once fit so perfectly, before pulling off her engagement ring and then her wedding band. Laura had bought them, so she could keep both. She set the pair next to the key she was leaving behind and stood up from the table.

She had to shut herself down to even make it to the door. The more she thought about the life she’d spent in this apartment, the heavier her feet felt and she had to labor for each step. So she didn’t let herself think about it. She would pack it away and set it aside until she could bear it. She pulled on her leather jacket and picked up her last two suitcases, turning on her heel for one last look. She stood in the doorway, at the precipice of her of what lay ahead of her.

Deep breaths. “Goodbye, Laura.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is extremely short, but don't worry. There will be plenty more where that came from!
> 
> follow me on tumblr at operativelawsons and track #carmilla l5y au if you wanna watch me destroy myself over this dumb idea


	2. I've Been Waiting For Someone Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka the one where laura and carmilla are gross as hell. a thousand thank yous to my official beta chiltongirlsdoitbetter. this honestly would not be what it is without you!

_but the minute I first met you_

_I could barely catch my breath_

_I've been standing for days with the phone in my hand_

_like an idiot, scared to death_

 

* * *

 

Laura was breaking her father’s heart. The slender, dark-haired girl shot her another grin and she was pretty sure she was a goner then and there. When she had arrived at Perry and LaFontaine’s apartment for their Fourth of July rooftop barbecue that night, she really hadn’t been prepared for this. But, then again, how was a girl supposed to prepare herself when Cupid came calling?

She cleared her throat, absentmindedly chewing on her bottom lip. “You said your name is Carmilla?”

“That’s right, cupcake,” the woman responded with a soft laugh. It was the most beautiful laugh that Laura had ever heard in her life and she swore she could hear another crack split through her father’s heart all the way from Long Island. “It’s an odd name, I know.”

“No! No, not at all,” Laura protested, shaking her head. She almost spilled her drink, too. Which would have been embarrassing, to say the least. “I think it’s- I think it’s really pretty.”

God, she was such a mess. She was probably making such an idiot of herself in front of this woman. They didn’t even know each other and Laura was already falling all over herself.

“Yeah?” Carmilla grinned, and Laura could see a light blush rise to her cheeks. Maybe not such an idiot.

“Yeah. I mean,” she chuckled, ducking her head shyly. “It’s not boring and common like _Laura.”_

“Mm, _Laura,”_ Carmilla responded lightly, testing the name on her tongue and smiling in a way that Laura was fairly sure was against at least a dozen laws. That really wasn't fair. “I dunno, I kinda like Laura.”

Later, she was going to write a very long, not-at-all sincere apology to her father for every obscene act she was imagining that could possibly get Carmilla to say her name that way again. Maybe she’d cook him dinner, too. For good measure.

Laura cleared her throat, trying to keep from grinning like an imbecile. She was probably failing miserably. “I think the fireworks are going to start soon,” she mentioned, with a small shrug. She peered up at Carmilla, hoping she wasn’t being too forward. “Maybe we can still snag a spot with a good view. I mean, if you don’t have anyone else to keep you company.”

“I’d like that,” was Carmilla’s immediate response, like she had been waiting for the offer.

"Cool," she agreed, grinning wider and feeling light all over. She didn't think she had ever felt like this quite so quickly. She wasn't sure if Perry or LaFontaine had planned this, but if so, she would thank them later. Right after she begged her father's forgiveness.

She lead Carmilla to one of the more secluded corners of the roof, though there were still plenty of people around. There would likely be a bigger crowd once the fireworks actually started. They were still a little early, and Laura wracked her brain for something interesting to say. Usually she was much better about this kind of thing.

"How do you know Perry and LaFontaine?" she heard Carmilla ask, beating her to the punch.

"LaF and I went to school together," she explained, leaning against the railing. Her friends had done well for themselves since school. She had met them both while attending Columbia. LaFontaine had been working on their dissertation in Biology while Perry finished culinary school. Now, LaFontaine was completing their last internship at the Silas Research Foundation and Perry had landed a gig as a sous chef at one of the swankiest restaurants in Midtown. They were perfect for each other, and it almost would have been intimidating if Laura didn't know them personally. In actuality, they were probably the least intimidating people she had ever met.

"Are you a biologist, too?"

"Oh, no," Laura shook her head, laughing. Science had never agreed with her. In high school, she'd had a reputation for injuring her lab partners. LaF, who had learned of this, said she wasn't allowed near any of their equipment, which was probably for the best. "No, um. I'm actually a writer. LaFontaine used to tutor me, so they know exactly how hopeless I am with a chemistry set."

"I dunno, you seem to be doing just fine in the chemistry department," Carmilla teased, an eyebrow arched. "At least, from where I'm standing."

Okay, that was definitely flirting. Laura couldn't even find it in herself to hold the cheesy line against her. “Oh, trust me. The tales of my scientific failures are the stuff of legends. I think my old high school may have a burn victim wing in the nurse’s office dedicated to me.”

Carmilla laughed again and Laura watched as her head fell back, utterly enchanted. If there was anything she could do to get her to laugh like that again, it would be worth it.

"What about you?" she asked, tilting her head. "How do you know Perry and LaF?"

Carmilla took a sip from her drink and hummed softly. "I wait tables at Perry's restaurant, The Lustig. It's definitely not _the dream,_ but it pays."

"What's the dream, then?"

She breathed a deep sigh, her eyes cast out on the city skyline. Laura saw a small smile tug at the corner of her red lips. "Someday, I'd like to actually make some money painting," she replied, rolling her eyes a little before meeting Laura's. "It's such a cliche, I know. The struggling artist in New York City."

An _artist._ Laura vaguely wondered if Carmilla had a tattoo, as well. She could add that to the many reasons why just talking to this girl was going to put her father into an early grave.

"Not any more than the struggling writer," she pointed out, nudging Carmilla's elbow lightly with her own. "Maybe you can show me your work, sometime."

"Yeah, okay," Carmilla agreed, not breaking her gaze. They were silent for a moment, and Laura felt like they were stuck in their own private world, like no one else had joined them on the rooftop.

"The fireworks are starting," Laura mentioned, still not looking away.

"Yeah, I think they are."

 

* * *

 

Laura reached out to link her fingers with Carmilla’s. It was a simple gesture, innocent even, but the small contact set her skin aflame.

When Carmilla wrote her phone number on the inside of her wrist the night they met, Laura hadn’t been able to wait twenty minutes before calling her. There were probably rules about waiting, but she didn’t care. Carmilla was smart and funny and thinking about her made Laura’s legs turn into jelly. Those rules were stupid.

So she asked Carmilla on a date, officially. She had wanted to make herself clear, after all. Let there be no mistake that Laura was _interested,_ and although she had panicked a little while waiting for Carmilla’s answer, she was glad that she had taken the risk.

They decided to cut through Union Square Park on their way to the subway, having just finished dinner. Laura wasn’t sure if she had ever smiled so much and she couldn’t stop herself from stealing glances at Carmilla. She took comfort in the way she kept catching the tail end of Carmilla’s own stare.

“I hope this isn’t weird,” Laura started, cringing a little at how awkward she could be sometimes, “but I’m really glad I met you.”

“It’s not weird,” Carmilla replied  as she wrapped her hand around Laura’s, holding it properly.

Laura breathed a small sigh of relief, feeling like her face was going to break apart because of how much she was grinning. “Good. Because I’ve had a really good time tonight, and I guess I hope that’s not just me.”

Carmilla stopped and turned to face her, her eyes bright under the glow of the lampposts that lined the walkway. Laura could feel a light splash from the big fountain next to them and she thought that she probably couldn’t have planned this better herself. She wondered if Carmilla had stopped her here on purpose.

“It’s not just you, buttercup,” Carmilla insisted, shaking her head.

A crooked grin pulled Laura’s mouth to one side as she looked up at Carmilla, feeling weak in the knees again. Her heart pounded in her chest and she held onto Carmilla’s hand a little tighter. She let her eyes follow along the lines of Carmilla’s face before finally landing on her lips. It was a good moment, and she knew they probably couldn’t get a more picturesque setting. She wondered again if this had been Carmilla’s intent.

“You keep calling me things like that.”

“Like what?”

“Buttercup, cupcake, cutie…”

Carmilla laughed softly, humming a little as she stepped closer. “Well, you _are_ cute. And I think you’re very sweet.”

“You think?”

“I wouldn’t know for sure yet, would I?”

Laura stopped breathing. There really was only one way to respond to that. Carmilla had absolutely, one-hundred-percent planned this, and Laura was just glad that she was clearly better at this than her. When Carmilla dipped her head to close the last few inches between them, Laura didn’t hesitate to meet her.

The first thought that Laura had while kissing Carmilla Karnstein was that her lips were soft. Her lips were extravagantly, _devilishly_ soft. Like, it was almost excessive, and Laura couldn’t get enough of it. When Carmilla pulled away, it wasn’t long before Laura needed to kiss her again, humming gently into her mouth.

“Sorry,” she laughed, finally breaking away.

Carmilla rolled her eyes and placed a chaste kiss to the corner of Laura’s mouth. “You really don’t need to apologize. Now c’mon. Take me home.”

 

* * *

 

"Wow, you painted these?" Laura asked, gaping a little as her eyes darted over the half-finished paintings before her.

It had been a little over a week since their first date, and this was the first time she'd had the chance to take a look at Carmilla's work. She was impressed, to say the least. "Carmilla, these are gorgeous. How much do you sell these for?"

Carmilla laughed softly, leaning against the doorway that led into her tiny kitchen. Her apartment in general was cramped, but that wasn't unusual for a young Manhattanite. Carmilla had to juggle three jobs just to afford the luxury of living alone. "Right now, I'll take what I can get. It's not the most lucrative of hobbies."

Laura peered at the watercolor piece on the easel in front of her. She had always associated watercolor with kindergarteners, but Carmilla was able to pull images out of the medium that she had never dreamed of. It was so much more vibrant than she ever would have guessed was possible. "This is so much more than a hobby, Carmilla," she argued, turning back to look at her in the doorway. "Someone should be paying you a fortune for these."

That brought another laugh from Carmilla and she could sense a small amount of bitterness there. "Thanks, buttercup. Unfortunately, it rarely works that way. It has a lot to do with who you know, you know?"

"Yeah, tell me about it," Laura replied, nodding in agreement. "Writing is the same way. I know I'm in good with a lot of my old professors, but it can be hard to break into the big leagues." She turned to Carmilla, a thought suddenly striking her. "Hey, what about your old professors? Wouldn't they put in a good word for you, or whatever?"

Carmilla cleared her throat. "I didn't go to college, cutie."

"Oh," Laura blinked, embarrassed. She should know better than to assume something like that. "Sorry, I just thought- you're so _good."_ And smart and well-read. They had already spent hours discussing literature in the last few days. "I thought for sure... God, I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. I'll take it as a compliment," Carmilla chuckled. Laura had the distinct feeling that she was letting her off the hook easy, on this one.

"I mean it, though," Laura insisted, still blushing from her fumble. She stepped closer to where Carmilla stood, biting her bottom lip. "And I'd buy all your paintings, if I could."

Carmilla smiled, though she stood her ground. "Who says I even want your money?"

"How else am I supposed to pay you?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and Laura knew it was probably the most loaded question she had ever muttered in her life.

Carmilla didn't answer, but she did reach out to curl her fingers into the front of Laura's dress. Her mouth went dry and her eyes dropped to Carmilla's, which was now a few mere inches from her own. They hovered there for a moment, and Laura took the opportunity to breathe her in, her hands landing on Carmilla’s waist. There was only so much anticipation she could take, however, and when Carmilla still hadn’t moved a few seconds later, she leaned forward to steal the kiss on Carmilla's lips.

It was slow, almost innocent at first, and Laura felt Carmilla's fingers thread through her hair. She pressed closer and tilted her head so she could deepen the kiss. She wanted to extend this moment into oblivion, the taste of Carmilla heavy on her tongue.

Eventually she pulled back to breathe, grinning widely. "I don't know a lot about art, but I don't think this is a very good business model."

"Do me a favor, sweetheart," came a murmured reply. Carmilla tightened her grip on Laura's dress and she pushed the smaller woman toward the loveseat next to the window. "Shut up."

 

* * *

 

"I have a confession to make." They'd been dating for a little over a month, now, and there was something that had been tugging at the back of Laura's brain ever since the night they met.

"Oh?" Carmilla asked, hardly pausing to peer over her book at Laura from the other end of the loveseat. She had her legs draped over Laura’s lap, making it a little difficult for her to write in her notebook, but she wasn’t about to complain.

Laura was _supposed_ to be writing, but she couldn’t concentrate. She just knew she wasn’t going to be able to put down a single sentence that was worth keeping until she got this off her chest. She took in a deep breath and released it with a huff, closing her notebook. “My father is going to hate you.”

Okay, so there were better ways to start.

Carmilla blinked and lowered her book, frowning slightly. “Am I meeting him?”

“No,” Laura shook her head, making a face. “Well, _yes._ I mean, I hope you will. Eventually.”

Carmilla sat up a little straighter, tilting her head at her girlfriend. “Why do you think he'll hate me?”

“It’s not because of you, not really,” she backpedaled, shaking her head. She turned to face Carmilla, hands on her legs, holding her there. This was not how she had wanted to bring this up at all. “It’s just. My dad is…”

“Homophobic?”

_“Old-fashioned.”_ Laura made another face, apologetic. “He has a hard enough time with my uh, thing as it is, and I’ve never… Brought a girl home to him before.”

A tiny smile tugged at Carmilla’s lips. “But you want me to meet him.”

Laura blushed, breathing a small sigh of relief. At least Carmilla didn’t seem to be upset with her. “Well… Yeah. Not tonight, obviously. Or even soon, but yeah. Eventually.” She shook her head, laughing softly. “God, if he only knew. I’ve never met anyone like you, Carmilla. I mean, I’ve dated enough girls, but no one has ever made me feel the way you do.”

Carmilla smiled wider and leaned closer, pulling herself a little further into Laura’s lap, who in turn let her hand fall on Carmilla’s hip. “Please, feel free to continue.”

Laura laughed, getting that light feeling like she did whenever Carmilla was close. She gave her hip a small squeeze. “I feel like I’ve been _suffocating,_ Carmilla,” she replied, pushing forward to set her forehead against Carmilla’s. “I’ve been drowning in shallow college girls. Girls who only see me as their experiment or adventure. Girls who think _“The Jungle Book”_  was just a movie that had sprung forth fully-formed from Walt Disney's mind instead of actually having been based on a book written by a _classic_ nineteenth century british novelist and-” Laura cut herself off. She was getting off track. She huffed out a sigh and instead reached up to hold Carmilla’s face in her hands, bumping noses. “My point is, _you_ have left me breathless. Ever since we first met I’ve been tripping all over myself and waiting for the next moment I get to see you again. I have been waiting for someone like you.”

She could feel Carmilla’s breath on her lips and there was a definite shift in the air surrounding them. It wasn’t the first time she’d felt it, but she hadn’t wanted to go too fast. The timing hadn’t felt right, yet. But right now Carmilla was tilting her head to graze her lips across Laura’s and she was running out of excuses.

“I know this is a little fast,” Laura murmured. If she was smart, she’d just shut up.

Carmilla shook her head, letting her mouth brush over hers again. “I don’t mind.”

A sigh slipped past Laura’s lips and she bridged the gap between them, pushing her back against the opposite arm of the couch. Carmilla was already tugging at the buttons on her blouse and Laura drew the hem of Carmilla’s black t-shirt up her waist. It wasn't exactly graceful, but it wasn't long before she was pulling away to slip Carmilla's ripped jeans off her hips.

Laura giggled softly, breathlessly, and stood up to step out of her own jeans. Carmilla grinned up at her and helped her pull them off before rising to meet Laura's lips again, burying her hands in golden hair. Laura tugged her closer by her hips, smiling too much to be able to kiss her properly, steering her towards the unmade bed in the corner of Carmilla's cramped apartment. They hit the edge of the bed and fell back on it in a tangle of limbs. Laura laughed softly and sat up, her knees on either side of Carmilla's hips.

"God, you're so amazing," she smiled, running her hands along Carmilla's ribs. "You don't have a tattoo, do you?"

Carmilla laughed, her own hands settling atop Laura's thighs. "No. Should I have a tattoo?"

"No," she giggled, shaking her head. She traced circles into pale skin. "But it wouldn't matter to me. You could have dozens of tattoos and I wouldn't care. You could have piercings, too. That would be cool."

"Cool?"

"Yeah, very cool. You could even shave your head. If you wanted," she grinned, her fingertips tracing along Carmilla's lacy bra. She followed the edge around to the clasp, unhooking it.

"I'm not shaving my head, cutie," Carmilla assured her, rolling her eyes.

"I'm just saying." Laura bent to plant a kiss to Carmilla's collarbone, slowly pulling the bra away from her chest. "I don't care what you do or where you come from. You could be a convicted felon, for all I care." She released another laugh, peering up to meet Carmilla's dark eyes as shifted down her torso. She placed another kiss to the top of her breast. "I'm _smitten."_

Carmilla released a small gasp and propped herself up on her elbows, an eyebrow arched at the woman who was currently knocking her knees apart. "Those are some big words."

"I'm serious," Laura insisted, trailing agonizing kisses down her girlfriend's middle. "You could be a member of the NRA and I'd still be on my knees." She punctuated her point with a nip to Carmilla's hip bone, hooking her thumbs into the waistband of her underwear.

Carmilla must have run out of arguments because she didn’t respond. She just lifted her hips to make it easier for Laura to remove the last shred of fabric between them. She bit down on her lip, muting the needy groan she released as she felt Laura bite at the inside of her thigh.

_"Laura,"_ she heard Carmilla breathe as she fell back on the bed again. Laura gave another soft chuckle, teasing her before finally giving in.

 

* * *

 

Laura woke the next morning with a mess of black hair in her face and Carmilla tucked under her chin. The latter made up for the former entirely, even though it almost made her sneeze. She felt the soft, sleepy groan against her chest as much as she heard it and a grin pulled the side of her mouth. “Morning, sleepyhead.” 

_“No,”_ came Carmilla’s eloquent response and Laura laughed.

“Oh come on,” she protested, reaching for her phone so she could check the time. “It’s almost noon.”

All she got in return was another groan as Carmilla buried herself deeper into Laura’s neck. It sent a happy flutter through her chest and she sighed, slowly trailing her hands along her girlfriend’s spine. Carmilla hummed softly and Laura wasn’t sure if it was out of annoyance or pleasure. Maybe it was a little of both.

“Did you really mean what you said last night?” Carmilla murmured after a few minutes, perhaps finally giving up on getting more sleep. Laura couldn’t see her face, but she could hear a touch of nervousness in her voice.

“I meant everything I said last night.”

Carmilla lifted her head to meet Laura’s questioning gaze. “The part about not caring where I’m from. You meant that.” It was a less of a question this time, but there was more vulnerability in those words than Laura had ever heard from her before.

“I meant it.” She lifted her head steal a soft kiss. She let her head fall back against the pillow again and she reached up to sweep dark locks away from Carmilla’s face. “I still mean it. It’s like you’ve broken through some kind of awful circle I’ve been trapped in. You’ve pulled me up to the surface. You inspire me, Carmilla, and I…” She stumbled over her words, not knowing if she should say what she was really thinking this early on in their relationship. Carmilla rested her chin atop an arm that she’d draped over Laura’s chest, looking at her expectantly. “I think I could fall in love with someone like you.”

Carmilla didn’t say anything in response, but she did smile and press another kiss to Laura’s lips. Maybe it was too much too fast, and it was definitely terrifying. But, then again, maybe it was scary in a good way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr at operativelawsons and track #carmilla l5y au if you wanna watch me destroy myself over this dumb idea


	3. We're Doing Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thanks to my lovely beta chiltongirlsdoitbetter because she's lovely and she fixes my shit. THANKS. this chapter was painful to write and I hope it hurts you too.

_I think we both can see what could be better_

_I'll own when I was wrong_

_with all we've had to go through_

_we'll end up twice as strong_

_and so we'll start again this weekend_

_and just keep rolling along_

 

* * *

 

 "Will, I don't know," Carmilla sighed, the receiver of her phone pressed to her cheek as she idly chewed on the end of her paintbrush.

 _“Just think about it,”_ came Will’s reply from the other end. She knew that he was just trying to help, but it only made her feel worse. She still felt like she was failing. _“Even if it’s just for a little while.”_

“I’ll let you know,” she told him with some finality. Will’s sigh on the other end of the line let her know that he understood that she was done talking about this.

_“Are you at least going to tell her about school, soon?”_

Carmilla reached up to rub her temple, a guilty knot in her stomach tightening. She had officially withdrawn from her classes a few days ago, but she still hadn’t spoken to Laura about it. She should have told Laura ages ago, back when she had first considered dropping out, but she knew that this was never going to be a fun conversation. “Yeah, I’ll tell her soon. Maybe tonight.”

_“Okay. You know where to find me if you need me. Do you want to go get lunch today?”_

“Yeah, we can do that. I should probably get out of the house eventually. I’ve been staring at this painting for hours.” She dipped her paintbrush into her specifically-designated paint water mug. It was better for her to keep one specifically for that purpose, otherwise it was too easy to get it confused with her coffee mug after several hours of working on a piece. “I need to pick up some paint, too. I’m almost out of the brown and black.”

_“We can swing by the supply shop. Go take a shower and I’ll pick you up.”_

Carmilla smiled a little, taking in a breath. She really did love her brother. “Thanks, kid.”

_“No problem, sis. See you in an hour.”_

She hung up her phone and released a heavy sigh, furrowing her brows at the easel in front of her. The paint was dripping, but that was also kind of on purpose. The colors ran together and melted down the page, making the piece look messy. Her instructors all were very opinionated about how busy her work could get, and often urged her to edit more. But she didn’t feel edited and pristine. Messy felt right.

She took her paintbrush to the sink to clean it, setting it aside to dry so she could then clean her hands. She watched the dark paint wash off her stained hands and swirl down the drain. It felt far too metaphorical for her tastes, and she was glad that Will had suggested lunch. She probably would have forgotten to eat if he hadn’t.

She dried her hands and reached up to pull her hair up into a messy bun. Seeing Will would be good, even if she got the feeling that he spent a lot of his time pitying her, lately. She didn't need pity. What she needed was to get things back on track. She refused to believe that she and Laura couldn't do that. They just needed to work on it together.

And she needed to tell Laura about school. As rough as she knew that conversation was going to be.

She pulled out her phone again and sent Laura a text.

 **[12:47 PM] Carm:** Hey, will you be home for dinner tonight? I thought we could talk.

She moved to the bathroom and set her phone on the counter, pulling off her paint-stained t-shirt. A moment later her phone vibrated, the screen lighting up with a new message.

 **[12:51 PM] Laura:** I'll be home late tonight. Danny and I are meeting the publisher for dinner.

 **[12:52 PM] Laura:** We talked about this

Another dinner, of course. Carmilla remembered Laura mentioning something about tonight, now that she thought about it. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or not. There was only so much she could do to postpone the inevitable fight.

 **[12:55 PM] Carm:** You're right, I remember now. I'll see you when you get home, then.

 **[12:56 PM] Laura:** Of course, babe. Love you.

She'd answer that last text later. After her shower. Right now she wasn’t really sure how to respond and showering was a convenient excuse to procrastinate. 

 

* * *

 

"I see you bought more brown paint." Carmilla felt Laura press a kiss to her cheek and she closed her eyes, allowing herself to lean into it just a little before Laura pulled away too fast. “Didn’t you just buy a some last week?”

"Yeah, but I ran out again. Will and I went to go pick some more up today," she replied with a small shrug, setting her brush in the mug. She had been painting to distract herself, but the knot in her stomach only grew with each passing hour. "How was dinner? Danny's doing well, I assume."

"Yeah, of course. I mean, why wouldn't she be?" Laura responded, moving away to set her leftovers on the counter. Carmilla turned to watch her pull out a small box and give her a small smile. "I brought you some desert. Since, you know. This is the third time I've missed dinner this week."

The knot in Carmilla's stomach tightened and she felt something hollow in her chest. She offered a smile in return. "You didn't have to do that."

"I know, I just thought you might like it," Laura replied, frowning a little. "If you don't want it we can just put it in the fr–"

"No, it's not that," Carmilla insisted, standing up to catch Laura's hand. "Thank you."

Laura looked down at their joined hands, chuckling softly. "Carm, you're getting paint on me again."

Carmilla rolled her eyes and and reached up to swipe a dark streak down Laura's nose. It almost felt like it was good again. Maybe they were getting it back. She watched as Laura scrunched her nose in protest and she pulled away so she could wash her hands.

“This painting is coming together really well,” Laura called to her. By the time Carmilla was back with clean hands, Laura had been able to wipe the paint off her nose.

“Thanks. It kind of ended up in a different place than where I started, but I think I’m happy with it,” Carmilla replied, tilting her head at the painting. She’d been staring at it so long that it was starting to warp her view of it. She’d have to come back to it with fresh eyes later. “Or at least it’s getting there.”

“Wilted flowers again?”

“I guess it’s been a thing, lately,” Carmilla shrugged, picking up the box Laura had pulled out for her. She lifted the lid to find a piece of chocolate mousse cake and she felt another pang of guilt. She wasn’t really hungry, but she’d already told Laura not to put it away. She grabbed a fork from one of the drawers in the kitchen and returned to Laura’s side, a mouth full of cake. It was good, decadent even, but it felt heavy on her tongue.

“Well, it’s pretty,” Laura sighed, turning back to face Carmilla.

Carmilla gave her a small smile and held out a bite of her cake, which Laura accepted with a small laugh. She shook her head, releasing a tiny, satisfactory moan. “Please, I’ve already eaten so much already.”

“So?” Carmilla insisted through another bite of her own. She certainly didn’t feel like finishing the entire cake herself. She was glad at least that the slice was fairly small. “Come on, share it with me.”

Laura didn’t hold out for long, just as Carmilla predicted. Chocolate was a weakness of Laura’s. _“Fine,”_ she agreed, opening her mouth to accept the bite that Carmilla already had ready for her.

“So everything went fine with the publisher, then?” Carmilla asked, raising her eyebrows, her mouth only partially full of cake. “Are they begging you for a sequel yet?”

Laura rolled her eyes. “They’ve mentioned it a few times, but I’m not sure if that qualifies as begging.”

“Well, I hope you’ll at least consider taking a break. I think you deserve that.”

Laura didn’t say anything, instead eating the last bite of cake after Carmilla had pushed it toward her. Soon enough she would be ruining this whole moment and she didn’t really feel like she deserved to be rewarded with cake. She hadn’t felt normal like this with Laura in weeks. She sighed softly and closed the white takeout box, taking it to the kitchen to throw away.

“You mentioned that you wanted to talk,” she heard Laura call. Ice cold dread washed down her spine and she moved to the living room again.

“Um, yeah,” Carmilla nodded, leaning against the entryway to the kitchen. After a moment, Laura joined her near the counter, looking at her expectantly. “I need to tell you something.”

Laura tensed next to her, frowning. Carmilla could see that she was already on her guard, expecting a fight. With their track record lately, she couldn’t blame her. “What is it?”

She took in a deep breath, staring up at the ceiling. “I withdrew from my classes. I’m done.”

Silence. Carmilla couldn’t meet Laura’s eyes. And then, a second later, “I’m sorry, you _what?”_

“Laura, I know that you wanted me to stick it out–”

“Carmilla, you’ve put so much work into this!”

“But I wasn’t _happy,”_ Carmilla argued, setting her jaw as she finally turned her head to meet Laura’s eyes. There was a fire behind them that she’d grown too familiar with. She had always loved the fire in Laura so much.

“So, that’s just it then.” Laura set her hands on her waist and Carmilla could hear the bite in her voice. She was doing that thing where she was trying to make herself look bigger by puffing her chest out a little. Carmilla didn’t think she even realized she did that when she was angry. It used to be cute. “You already quit, and you didn’t even think to talk to me about it first?”

Carmilla huffed and ran a hand through her hair, already frustrated with Laura. Still, she had been expecting this fight, and maybe she even deserved it. “I knew you’d try to talk me out of it. It was _killing_ me, Laura. I never had the chance to paint what I wanted, it was always assignment after assignment and I never could get anything right. Everything I did was always too messy or too derivative. I was ever good enough.”

“It’s not supposed to be easy, Carmilla. If everything was handed to you on a silver platter it wouldn’t even be-”

“Oh _please,_ Laura. Don’t you dare talk to me about silver platters.”

Laura shifted her weight, crossing her arms over chest. “And what is that supposed to mean exactly?”

“Come on, it’s not like you were never handed anything in your life. Am I wrong?”

Laura looked at her like she’d been slapped. “If you don’t think that I haven’t broken my back to get where I am—to get us _both_ here—then I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”

“That is not what I’m saying, Laura,” she countered, shaking her head. She didn’t know why she even bothered, Laura had never fully understood how their wildly different childhoods had affected their lives, or why it mattered. “You just can’t ignore that we came from different places. It’s a lot easier to climb a mountain if you hitch a ride halfway up.”

“Carmilla, you were more than halfway done. You only had three more semesters."

“And now I am done. I don’t need a degree to prove that I’m good at what I do.”

Laura stepped back and shook her head, rubbing her eyes. She moved to the coat rack and grabbed her coat, pulling it on to brave the cold once again that night. “You know, I just can’t believe you would throw this in my face after everything I’ve done for you.”

_“Laura–”_

“Don’t wait up for me.”

Carmilla watched as she slammed the door shut behind her. The guilty knot in her stomach had released, but now she just felt empty. At the end of the day, she knew that this had been the right decision for herself, but she wasn't sure if Laura could—or would—ever understand that. 

 

* * *

 

One thing was certain: Carmilla was definitely happier without the added pressure of school. It wasn’t like school hadn’t been good for her at all, but the structure had only weighed on her. After all, how was a person supposed to objectively measure up to an arbitrary scale of what was supposed to be “good” art. She didn’t want to pay some stuffy professor to tell her that she didn’t cut it.

But it certainly hadn’t helped things with Laura.

Although she felt more freedom with her work, she could feel Laura pulling away from her. Laura hadn’t forgiven her for dropping out, and she wasn’t even sure if she could really fully blame her. But she probably just needed time. Carmilla could give her that.

However, when it was almost a month and a half later and Carmilla still hadn’t been able to knock down Laura’s walls, she started to wonder if she didn’t need to give Laura something of a push.

It was well into April now, and it felt like the Fourth of July was just around the corner. This year would be their fourth since they first met and Carmilla wasn't ready to let go of Laura without a fight.

Carmilla had a plan. Laura had an interview that afternoon, but Carmilla would be ready for her when she got back. She took the opportunity to actually do some cleaning—which she _hated_ —and set out candles around their room. It had been a long time since either of them had bothered to do something like this, and maybe that was the problem. Maybe they had gotten too comfortable, too complacent.

Her makeup was expertly applied and she put her hair up the way she knew Laura always liked. When she heard Laura come home, she was just putting the finishing touches on dinner. Between the two of them, she had always been the better cook, but tonight she put in a little extra effort. She had picked up fresh salmon from the market and had spent all afternoon making sure it was marinated to perfection. She turned to look at Laura over the counter as she came through the front door, giving her a hopeful smile. "How'd the interview go, cupcake?"

Laura blinked at her, looking around the apartment like she might be lost. "I'm sorry, I think I must be in the wrong apartment. Did you clean today?"

"Hey, I am perfectly capable of cleaning."

"Yeah, _capable._ That doesn't mean you've done it since my birthday last year. Who are you and what have you done with Carmilla?"

Carmilla gasped, feigning offense. "Do I need a special occasion to do something for you?"

Laura narrowed her eyes. "No, I suppose not."

"Oh, come on," Carmilla rolled her eyes, trying to not actually be offended. If they fought tonight, it would completely defeat the purpose of what she was trying to do. "Dinner's almost ready and I picked up this salmon fresh today. I just... Thought we could have nice night in, tonight."

Laura was quiet for a moment, and Carmilla tried not to dwell on the tension in the room, instead pulling out plates for the both of them.

"Yeah, okay," came Laura's eventual reply. "We could probably both use that."

"That's the spirit. Now help me set the table, sundance." 

 

* * *

 

Dinner went well. They weren't fighting, anyway, and honestly Carmilla would take that alone as a win.

She cleared the table as Laura moved to the couch with her glass of wine, sinking into it with a sigh. Carmilla bit her lip and she watched her from the kitchen for a moment, before moving to join her. She took Laura's glass away from her and set it on the end table, ignoring her protests. The next moment, she was settling herself in her lap, straddling Laura's hips.

"... Carm?"

Carmilla shook her head and leaned close to press gentle kisses along her jaw, reaching up to thread her fingers through golden hair.

"Baby..." Laura released a soft sigh and leaned into Carmilla, tilting her head back. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten a reaction like that from Laura and she decided to take that as an open invitation. She started trailing kisses down Laura's neck, sucking at her pulse point gently. Not wanting to waste any time, she reached for the hem of Laura's shirt, pushing her hands past it to clutch at her bare waist.

 _"Baby,_ come on," Laura protested, stiffening under her suddenly.

"What is it?" she asked, lifting her head. She nudged her nose to Laura's, as if in question. "What do you need?"

"I'm just... I'm so tired tonight, Carm."

Laura might as well have shoved her off and it would've felt the about the same. Carmilla tried not to let her voice break when she replied. "You're always tired, Laura," she said, biting back a sob. She broke away, not meeting Laura's eyes.

"It's not–"

"You know what, it's fine," Carmilla cut her off, reaching up to wipe at her eyes. She wasn't going to cry, she _wouldn't._ She slipped off of Laura's lap so she could retreat to their bedroom. She didn't want Laura to see her.

_"Carm."_

"No, Laura, stop. It's fine, okay? You don't want to and I'm not going to push you," she insisted. She didn't want to make it into a fight and she really didn't want to give herself any more reason to start crying. "I'm going to take a shower."

"We're not going to talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about?" Carmilla asked, whirling on Laura, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "It's _fine."_

Laura stared at her, her mouth hanging open. "Carm, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, we'll just..." Carmilla took in a deep breath, calming herself. No tears. "We'll just go to bed, it's not a big deal."

"Okay," Laura agreed. She didn't look like she thought it was okay.

"Okay." Carmilla turned away again and escaped to the bathroom. She turned on the water until it was hot enough to scald her skin. 

 

* * *

 

They fell into a routine. They’d always had their routine, but this one was different now. It no longer felt like they were on the same path, but instead like they were just occupying the same space. Carmilla hadn’t felt so out-of-place in her own home since she was a teenager.

It was her birthday this weekend, and she wasn’t even certain if Laura remembered.

There was one bright spot, at least. Carmilla had the chance to throw herself into work, as she was preparing for an art show at a gallery in Chelsea in a little over a week. It wasn’t a student show, and it wasn’t some dingy coffee shop, it was a real gallery that would be filled with people who might actually want to purchase her work. It was a big step in the right direction, but she hardly felt like celebrating.

Laura was home for lunch that day, and they sat across from each other in silence. Eventually, Carmilla heard Laura clear her throat pointedly so she looked up from her sandwich, expectant.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Laura started, pushing her now-empty plate away from her. “I’m flying to LA this weekend. It’s for this stupid TV spot that the publisher wants me to do.”

Carmilla felt her stomach drop and she stared at the wood-grain of the table. “Laura, it’s my _birthday_ this weekend.”

Laura at least had the decency to look guilty when Carmilla looked up at her again. She shook her head, cringing. “Baby, I know. I tried to get out of it but–”

“Did you? I’m sure a vacation sounds nice right now.”

“Carmilla, you know that’s not fair.”

“Believe me, there’s a lot of things I don’t think are very fair right now,” Carmilla spat. She dropped her half-eaten sandwich on the plate in front of her and pushed it away. “You know what makes me crazy?”

“Carm–”

“No, can I say this? You are choosing someone else to be with.”

“I am not _choo–”_

“No, you are, Laura. That’s exactly what you’re doing. You could be here with me, on my fucking birthday, but you are choosing to fly to LA. Which I’m sure will be such a chore, I'm sure you'll have a very nice time with Danny all weekend." She stood up and snatched both plates off the table, nearly taking Laura's head off as she moved past to take them both to the kitchen.

 _"Jesus Christ,_ Carmilla!"

She dropped both plates off in the sink and leaned against the counter, shaking. She saw Laura follow her into the kitchen out of the corner of her eye and she reached up to wipe at her tears before they could fall. "Are you going to be back for my show?"

Laura stared at her, silent for a moment. "I'll make it back."

Carmilla nodded but she didn't say anything until after she was pushing past Laura to the front door. "I'm going to the studio." 

 

* * *

 

Carmilla had always thought that landing her first big gallery showing like this would be a much happier occasion. She’d often dreamt, years ago, of what it would look like. Laura would be at her side, supporting her, glowing with pride. That was always what they had talked about. But now this was the real thing, and instead, Carmilla just felt cold.

Laura promised she would make it, and Carmilla wanted to believe her. She wanted to believe that Laura would make it up to her after her birthday, but she had the feeling she was setting herself up for disappointment. All she could do was hope that Laura would come through.

She put on a brave face and mingled. Will made it out to support her, and so did LaF and Perry. She was glad to have familiar faces there, at the very least, and after years of playing Laura's sidekick, she had learned a few things about kissing ass. She supposed that was good, at least. It seemed to get the job done. Things were going well.

She finally found a moment to herself, standing in front of one of the central pieces of her collection. She had always used animal motifs in her work, which had caused some of her old instructors to compare her to Lisa Frank. It was a bit of a sore spot, if she was honest, but she didn’t think that anyone could possibly make that comparison now. Somewhere over the years, her colors had become much more muted, and her lines only got messier. It was something she embraced. The piece in question was a large portrait of an owl, painted in dripping ink, with it’s feathers falling away to wilted petals. The wilting thing was another theme that had worked it’s way into her pieces, as of late. She’d gotten quite good at it, if she did say so herself.

She took a drink from her glass of wine as she regarded the painting, letting herself just enjoy it for a moment. She didn’t look when she felt Laura near her. She didn’t need to look. She had always had some kind of second sense when it came to Laura’s presence.

“You made it.”

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Laura replied, and Carmilla still wasn’t sure if it even mattered. “Traffic.”

Carmilla nodded, not replying. She took another long drink from her glass.

“It looks like it’s going well,” Laura continued, so obviously uncomfortable that it was making Carmilla grind her teeth. “I don’t think you’ve shown me this piece. It’s stunning, it all is. I’m really proud of you, Carm.”

Carmilla took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment, centering herself. Years ago, those same words would have made her heart sing. “Thank you.”

They stood in silence, and Carmilla dropped her empty glass off as one of the waiters passed by them. She could feel Laura getting tenser as each second ticked by.

“Carm, are we ever going to talk about this?”

Carmilla finally turned to Laura, her gaze stony. She furrowed her brows and pressed her lips thin. “And I suppose now is good for you,” she replied coldly. “Alright, fine. If you want to talk we can do this right now, at my fucking art show.”

She turned on her heel and made a beeline for the back door, knowing that Laura would follow. If Laura wanted to do this, then they’d do this now, but she wasn’t about to make a scene out of it. She still had to retain some dignity.

“Carmilla, do you really think this is necess–”

“What, Laura,” Carmilla snapped, rounding on Laura now that they were outside. The alley behind the gallery was dark and dirty, but it would give them enough privacy. “Didn’t you want to talk about this? Or are you just going to stare at me like _I’m_ the bad guy. Like I’m the one who’s being unreasonable.”

“I’ve never said that, Carmilla. If you’d just give me half a second to say som–”

“What are you going to say, Laura? Please, tell me, what could possibly excuse you for being late? Because you and I both know that the excuse you just fed me was bullshit.”

Laura didn’t answer her.

“Right.” Carmilla’s laugh was completely devoid of humor, and she shook her head, reaching up to rub the bridge of her nose. “Look, whatever. We’ll just get through tonight, and then we can… Figure it out. We’ll make it work somehow.”

“Carm…” Laura looked like she felt sick. “I’m not staying. I told Danny that I’d make an appe–”

“Are you _fucking_ kidding me right now?” She couldn’t think straight. It was like a switch had been flipped and all she could see was red. Everything she’d bottled up, every biting comment that she’d ever held back was bubbling it’s way back up. She’d been keeping this all in, and Laura had finally released the floodgate. “You’re leaving early tonight because of _Danny?_ For another party with those same twenty jerks that you already know. You know what? Fuck you, Laura Hollis.”

“Carmilla…” Laura tried to reach for her, but she pulled away, violently ripping her arm out of Laura’s grasp.

“No, I gave you _everything,_ Laura.” She couldn’t stop it, now. Tears started pouring down her cheeks and there was nothing she could do to keep them from coming. “Because it was always about you. I have spent every day giving you every inch of myself. Because you’re so _wonderful_ and so _talented,_ please grace us with your presence so we can bask in the glory of your genius. And I’m just your accessory, your fucking _trophy wife._ That’s all you ever wanted me for but I can’t do it, Laura. _You–”_ She stopped, choking on a sob. She tried to breathe, slowly pulling herself back so she could actually talk. “I swear to god, I will never understand how you can just stand there. I’m crying myself hoarse, and you don’t have a single thing to say to me.”

Laura didn’t respond, just as Carmilla had expected. It was the only defense Laura would ever use. She’d always just stand there and wait for it to be over. Sometimes she just wished Laura would yell back, but apparently it was only worth it if it was supposed to be Carmilla’s fault.

She reached up to wipe her tears, desperately trying to them to stop as she pushed past Laura to go back inside. She’d find the bathroom and put herself back together and pretend that nothing went wrong. “Goodnight, Laura.”

She walked back inside and let the door slam shut behind her. Thankfully she didn’t run into anyone on the way to the bathroom. With a few deep breaths and a touch-up on her makeup, it was almost like nothing had happened at all. She didn’t need Laura at her side to make sure tonight went well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr at operativelawsons and/or track #carmilla l5y au if you wanna watch me destroy myself over this dumb idea


	4. Flying Full Speed Ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel really bad about the last chapter and what I'm gonna put y'all through so uh. have some fluff? as always, thanks to chiltongirlsdoitbetter for being my second set of eyes

_did I just hear an alarm start ringing?_

_did I see sirens go flying past?_

_though I don't know what tomorrow's bringing I've got a singular impression_

_things are moving too fast_

 

* * *

 

Laura took up an entire bench to herself, sitting cross-legged with her backpack next to her, typing away at the computer in her lap. She’d been working on this chapter for weeks but it still didn’t feel quite there yet. But fifth draft’s a charm, right? She was sure someone had said that at some point. Probably.

She let out a huff and reached up to run a hand through her hair, looking out on the city. Usually coming out the High Line would help her break through her writer's block, but today she was finding it hard to focus.

Okay, if she was being totally honest with herself, she was thinking about Carmilla. She had recently brought Carmilla home to meet her dad, which… Well, it could have gone better, but she also knew it could have gone a heck of a lot worse, too. Even though her father clearly didn’t like Carmilla—just as she had predicted—Carmilla had taken the whole thing in stride. That night they’d come back to this very park and talked for hours, and Carmilla had really opened up to her. It had started to put a few things into perspective for her.

Laura chewed on her bottom lip and went back to staring at her computer screen. Right now, the two main characters—roommates—were fighting over something petty and there was supposed to be a general air of underlying sexual tension, but Laura just wasn’t in it. She was finding it difficult to write about fictional arguments when she was in such a good mood. She wanted to procrastinate, maybe drop in on Carmilla and go get lunch.

She was daydreaming about surprising Carmilla with some Chinese takeout when the refrain of Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” announced an incoming phone call. She almost dumped her laptop on the ground as she tried to pull her phone out of her pocket before she missed the call.

“Hello?”

_“Hello, is this Miss Hollis?”_ came an unfamiliar voice on the other end.

Laura furrowed her brows. She hadn’t been expecting a call from anyone. “Yes, this is Laura Hollis.”

_“Laura! I’m so happy I reached you. My name is Natalie Tran and I’m a literary agent with Truman and Schmidt. I wanted to talk to you about your manuscript.”_

Laura blinked, suddenly feeling like time around her had stopped. She pulled her phone back from her ear to glance at the front of it to make sure that she wasn’t imagining things, but it still displayed the call in progress. “I’m sorry, you… You read my manuscript?”

_“I did indeed. Your professor, Dr. Cochrane, is a good friend of mine and he passed it my way. I hope that’s okay.”_

“No no! That– that’s great!” Laura had to set her computer down so she could stand up. (It wouldn’t be the first time she’d dumped it on the ground, but she really couldn’t afford to replace it again.) “But the one he has is really… I mean, that’s really just one of the first drafts, I’m still working on it.”

_“Well, it shows a lot of potential, Miss Hollis. In fact, the folks at Styria Publishing really liked it.”_

“I’m sorry, _Styria Publishing_ read my manuscript?” Laura gaped, her voice raising up an octave or two. She had to reach out to clutch the railing beside her, attempting to balance herself. She looked around, trying to figure out what she was supposed to do with herself. “Oh my God, no that’s– that’s wonderful! That…”

_“Is everything alright, Miss Hollis?”_

“No, yes! Everything’s great. I’m great.”

_“Because I can call back if now’s not a good time.”_

“No, now is great!” Laura willed herself to breathe. Now was not the time to pass out, she could do that later.

_“Great, because I was hoping we might be able to meet. Will you be able to come into the city soon?”_

“The city, yes! I’m in the city, I live here.”

_“Excellent! Then why don’t you come by the office? When will you be free?”_

“Well… Today, actually. Or tomorrow? I’m… Very available.”

_“Then let’s go ahead and make an appointment for this afternoon. How does two o’clock sound?”_

“Yes, absolutely! I’ll be there, Miss Tran.”

_“You can call me Natalie.”_

Laura laughed, feeling lightheaded. She was still clutching onto the railing so hard that her knuckles were white. “Okay, Natalie. I’ll-- I’ll see you soon.”

_“I look forward to it! Goodbye, Miss Hollis.”_

“Bye,” she muttered as the line went dead. She stared down at her phone, mouth hanging open. She looked around again, trying to determine if she had just stepped into an alternate reality of some kind. “Oh my god. Oh my god.”

She rushed back to the bench where her things were still spread out, quickly packing up her laptop. There was absolutely no way she was going to get any more writing done now. Phone still in hand, she rushed to pull  up Carmilla’s number so she could call her.

_“I thought we talked about calling me before eleven a.m., cupcake,”_ Carmilla groaned and Laura grinned wider as she pulled her backpack over her shoulders.

“I know, but I’ve got a good reason, I promise,” she insisted. She picked up the cup of coffee that she’d gotten from Starbucks that morning, throwing it away in the nearby trash. It was mostly empty and what was left had gone cold, anyway. “Do you want Chinese or Panera for lunch? Um. Breakfast.”

Laura heard Carmilla sigh from the other end of the line, but she knew that it was mostly for show. Carmilla liked to sleep in, but she’d learned that a little coaxing could go a long way. _“... Will you bring me one of those french toast bagels?”_

Bingo. Laura grinned and made her way down to where she’d chained up her bike, practically flying down the stairs. “You’ve got it, sleepyhead. I’ll be there soon.”

She got another groan in response and Laura suspected that her girlfriend would still be in bed by the time she got there. That was perfectly fine. She still needed to wrap her head around was happening. She felt like she was about to strap herself into a rocket, but hell if she was going to back down.

She bit her lip and pocketed her phone so she could unchain her bike. She could worry about taking it easy later. This was her moment.

 

* * *

 

"Knock knock!" Laura announced as she pushed open the front door to Carmilla’s apartment, juggling the haul from Panera in her arms.

A groan from the lump on Carmilla’s bed confirmed her suspicion that her girlfriend had not moved an inch since their conversation. Laura smirked and dropped the bag of food and her backpack off at the counter so she could hop onto the bed with Carmilla. As soon as she could ascertain which end was which, she was straddling Carmilla’s middle, grinning and pulling the covers away from her face.

“Carmilla,” Laura sighed, bending to nose Carmilla's cheek. She pressed soft kisses along her jaw and ignored every one of Carmilla's half-assed protests. "I brought you a french toast bagel and that honey walnut cream cheese you like."

Carmilla released another groan but peeked one eye open to peer up at Laura. "Coffee?"

Laura shook her head and continued her lazy trail of kisses to the corner of Carmilla's mouth. "I rode my bike here, but I'll make you some."

"You're in a good mood, sunshine," Carmilla noted, turning to lay on her back, one arm tucked behind her head. She smiled sleepily up at Laura, reaching up to cup her cheek with her free hand.

"Yeah, well..." Laura started, biting her lip to keep from grinning so hard. She stole a quick kiss and sank into Carmilla a little before continuing. "I might have some good news. At least... Exciting news."

Carmilla raised her eyebrows questioningly, pushing Laura's honey-colored hair away from her face. "Oh?"

"Yeah, I... I may have made an appointment to meet with a literary agent at Truman and Schmidt."

Carmilla sat up on her elbows, almost dumping Laura off of her lap. "Laura, isn't that one of the best literary agencies in New York? Didn't _you_ tell me that?"

"Well, yeah. That's why I don't want to get my hopes up quite yet." She settled back on her heels, hands resting on Carmilla's waist.

"Oh my god, Laura!" Carmilla gasped, sitting up fully. She broke into a grin and wrapped her arms around Laura's waist, her eyes alight. "How are you not freaking out about this right now?"

Laura laughed and shrugged, stealing another kiss. "I don't think it's totally set in yet, and I still need to meet with her, so it may not even work out."

"Yeah, but... Laura this is huge!"

"It is kind of a big deal, isn't it?" she giggled, setting her forehead against Carmilla's. "But maybe I'll actually let myself freak out after this meeting. I mean, who knows."

Carmilla laughed and shook her head, letting her hand sneak up the back of Laura's shirt. "It's gonna go well, I can feel it. And then you can come back here and we'll celebrate."

"Don't you have work tonight?"

"Yeah, but it's a short shift. I'll be done by nine and then maybe we can meet for dinner."

"Okay," Laura agreed, grinning. She leaned into Carmilla's hand and pressed a lingering kiss to her lips. She moaned softly into Carmilla's mouth, letting her own fingertips slip underneath Carmilla's tank top.

"How long until your meeting?" Carmilla gasped, already tugging at her t-shirt.

"It's at two," she sighed, lifting her arms so that Carmilla could pull it over head. She reached behind her back to unhook her own bra, her hair already a mess. She grinned down at Carmilla as she tossed her bra aside. "We have a few hours."

"Well in that case," Carmilla grinned, shedding her own tank top. She reached for the button on Laura's jeans and flipped the smaller girl onto her back so she could start yanking them off, looking rather pleased about the yelp she got in response. "I might just take my time."

"Mm, yeah you wish," Laura laughed, sitting up again to reach for the shorts that Carmilla still had on. She quickly tugged both them and Carmilla's lacy underwear off her hips. "I know all your weak spots."

Once they were both out of clothing to tear off each other, Laura pulled Carmilla's hips flush to hers, catching her mouth in another kiss. She bit down on Carmilla's bottom lip and heard her issue a whimper. Laura smirked and tilted her hips into Carmilla’s, steering her back onto the bed.

_“Laura.”_

She counted twenty-six more times she got Carmilla to gasp her name like that before she had to get ready for her interview.

 

* * *

 

As soon as Truman & Schmidt made the proposition, Laura had her dad on the phone. The agent she spoke with, Natalie, encouraged her to think it over, but Laura knew she was going to say yes. As a struggling writer, Laura had done her research, and the terms that Natalie had drawn up were attractive, to say the least. She’d go over the fine print in greater detail later, but the entire offer was a dream come true.

After potentially damaging her father’s eardrums, the next person she called was LaFontaine. After all, LaF had been one of her most devoted cheerleaders ever since they’d first become friends. To this day, Laura still owed her degree to the fact that LaFontaine had been so patient with her. She wanted Perry and LaFontaine there to celebrate this with her almost as much as she wanted Carmilla there.

The two of them already had a table waiting for them when Laura arrived with Carmilla in tow. She’d stopped by to pick Carmilla up first, and they found LaF and Perry in the back of the restaurant, wrapped up in each other like they were still in their honeymoon phase.

“Okay okay, you two,” Laura laughed, kicking at LaF’s chair before pulling one of the empty ones out for her girlfriend.

“Hey, you’re one to talk, frosh,” they grinned, setting their hand on Perry’s knee.

“You know, you really don’t have to call me that when neither of us is attending college anymore.” She took her own seat and opened one of the menus, making a face across the table.

“Okay, _children,”_ Perry scolded, swatting LaF’s shoulder gently as they stuck their tongue out at Laura. She turned to Laura and gave her a huge grin. “I believe congratulations are in order?”

Laura ducked her head, unable to keep herself from grinning. “Nothing is official yet...”

“Yeah, but you know you’re gonna take the offer, right?” Carmilla countered, reaching for her hand. She’d been looking at Laura like her name was Dobby and Laura had given her a sock ever since she’d arrived to pick Carmilla up from her second job.

"Well... Yeah, probably," she laughed, returning Carmilla's adoring gaze. "Barring any major red flags when I go over the paperwork, I'm pretty sold."

"See? That's the spirit!" LaFontaine exclaimed, throwing their hands up in triumph. "Now let's get you two some dinner—mine and Perry's treat."

Both Laura and Carmilla started shaking their head in protest. "Oh, guys, that is totally not necessary," Laura argued.

_"Nonsense,"_ Perry insisted with a light _tsk,_ though she was smiling. She reached over to give Laura's hand a light squeeze. "I think a little celebration is completely necessary."

Laura looked to Carmilla, who only gave her a knowing shrug in return. It was hard to argue with Perry, especially when it came to good food. They both knew they weren’t going to win. "Alright, _fine."_

And with that permission, Perry was already waving one of the waiters over to order for them. She apparently knew the chef and knew what was good, and everyone at that table had learned a long time ago to have faith in Perry's good taste.

 

* * *

 

One very expensive dinner and a bottle of champagne later, Carmilla and Laura were giggling their way down the hall of Carmilla's building. They stopped at her door, far more wrapped in each other than they usually allowed themselves in public. Laura pressed her girlfriend against the front door, fingers curled into the front of her shirt.

"I don't want to go home," she breathed, and she heard a small chuckle in return.

"Who's forcing you, cupcake?" Carmilla murmured, fumbling for the doorknob behind her. She managed to get it open despite Laura still distracting her and they both stumbled inside.

Laura pushed Carmilla back to the bed in the corner of the apartment, shrugging off her jacket on the way. They landed in a pile on the bed and Laura found herself in a familiar position braced above Carmilla. "No one," she admitted, biting her lip.

She bent to catch Carmilla's lips, giving a soft groan as she felt Carmilla lift her hips into hers. They'd been in this same position less than twenty-four hours ago, but that did little to quell her desire. Still, there was something tugging at the back of her mind.

"What is it?" Carmilla asked, pulling back to look up at her, evidently picking up on Laura’s distraction.

Laura bit down on her lip again, mulling over the question that had taken root on the tip of her tongue. She reached up to push Carmilla's bangs from her face.

"I love you."

Carmilla's features softened into a smile and she turned her head to catch Laura's wrist, kissing the inside of it. "I love you too, buttercup."

Laura took a deep breath—she wasn't quite done yet. "I don't _ever_ want to go home."

Carmilla looked up to catch her eyes again, sensing the weight of those words. Her lips parted to speak, but she didn't respond.

"I spend most of my time here anyway, and it... It always makes me ache when I have to wake up in my own bed. Alone," she continued, and she felt her heart rate pick up. She couldn't read Carmilla's expression. "I'd much rather wake up next to you. Every morning."

Laura thought she might keel over and die as the silence stretched on, waiting for Carmilla to respond. Finally, Carmilla opened her mouth again to reply. "You want to move in together."

"Honestly, you're a lot cuter than my current roommate," Laura pointed out, hoping humor would help keep her nerves in check. She took Carmilla's hand, lacing their fingers. "And think of how much money we'd save on subway fair."

Carmilla raised an eyebrow, still reserved. "You know I hate doing the dishes."

"And laundry. And cleaning in general," she agreed, a crooked smile tugging her lips to one side. She shrugged. "It would be worth it. _You're_ worth it."

Carmilla sat up, furrowing her brows at Laura. "You're really serious about this. This isn't just the champagne talking?"

"No, I mean it, Carm," Laura insisted, stealing a quick kiss. She set her forehead against Carmilla's, consciously keeping her breathing steady. "I don't want to go home without you anymore. I don't want to sleep in an empty bed, and I want to wake up with you in my arms. And I'm not going to run away from that. Everything in my life is lining up right now and this is the only thing that feels like it’s missing."

For a moment, Laura thought that Carmilla might pull away from her, tell her no and that it was too soon. But then she reached up to hold Laura's face in her hands, looking her square in the eyes. She nodded, barely at first, but then with more confidence. "Okay."

“Okay?” Laura gasped. She didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath. “We’ll move in together?”

Carmilla smiled wider and rolled her eyes before planting a firm kiss to Laura’s lips. “I want to move in together. You already have my spare key, it’s not like that much will change. You’ll just be able put your toothbrush next to mine. We won’t have to get you a spare.”

Laura breathed in, feeling like she was going to burst. Carmilla’s hesitation had wound her all up, but now all of that was unraveling in the best way possible. They were going to _live together,_ in an apartment they _shared._ “You know what this means, right?”

“What’s that?” Carmilla asked, and Laura was happy to see that she looked just as giddy. She knew this had to be real if Carmilla was letting herself get excited. It was a rare side of her that Laura had seldom been able to witness. The last time she looked like this was when they’d said ‘I love you’ to each other for the first time. She’d had that same look of utter joy in her eyes.

Laura beamed and settled herself comfortably in Carmilla’s arms. “We’re gonna go apartment hunting. _Together."_

Carmilla laughed and rolled them both over, pinning Laura to her back. Laura wasn't sure if Carmilla was paying her back for earlier that day, or if this was just part of her congratulations, but that night she was the one gasping Carmilla's name.

 

* * *

 

Laura breathed a deep sigh and set her chin on Carmilla's shoulder, her arms nestled around her slender waist. It had been about a month since they’d decided to start looking at apartments and nothing had felt quite right just yet. They weren't picky, necessarily, but Laura also didn't want to settle. She knew Carmilla felt the same.

She heard a mirrored sigh from Carmilla and she bit her lip to hide the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth. The real estate agent had left them alone in the living room to get a feel for the place. She explained that it would help them _‘really imagine it,’_ and Laura had to admit that it made her feel optimistic.

"What do you think, baby?" Laura asked, pressing a single kiss to Carmilla's shoulder before returning her chin to rest atop it.

She could sense the gears in Carmilla's head turning and felt her lean into her arms a little more. "Laura, I _really_ like this one," she admitted, like she was scared to get attached.

Laura understood completely. This one seemed to have it all. It was a good location and actually wasn’t painfully cramped. And the wood flooring was in good condition. It was better than Laura had dared to hope for, but the asking price was a little higher than she and Carmilla had discussed. She chewed on her lip. “I _know._ I really like it, too.”

“It’s more than we wanted.” Carmilla sounded like she was trying to let herself down easy.

But Laura didn’t want Carmilla to have to let herself down. Laura knew what she’d had to drag herself through; she knew everything that had happened while she was in foster care and the sacrifices she had made for her brother’s sake. Listening to Carmilla talk herself down from wanting something was breaking her heart.

She pulled away from Carmilla, going to stand by the big window at the end of the living room. “We could put a desk right here,” she said, holding out her arms to indicate how big the desk would be and where it would go. “And one of your easels here?”

Laura turned to look at Carmilla, finding her expression unreadable. She almost looked young. Frail. She chewed on her bottom lip before speaking. “Where would the couch go?”

Laura smiled and went to next wall, pressing her back against it and holding her arms out again. “Here, maybe? And maybe eventually we can afford a TV to go over there.”

Carmilla bit her lip and went to stand where Laura pointed, acting as the TV. “You know I don’t really care about a TV.”

“Yeah, but you said you’d watch the rest of Doctor Who with me and I _promise_ it’ll be better on a real TV. My laptop makes for a poor Doctor Who experience.”

Carmilla laughed, and turned her head gaze at the kitchen. The living room was separated from the kitchen by a small island, and Laura could tell that Carmilla was dying to get her hands on a real stove. The one in her studio barely qualified.

“Let’s do it,” Laura told her, taking a few steps forward so she could reach for Carmilla. She took both of her hands and laced their fingers together.

“But Laura, we didn’t want to spend this much…”

“So?” Laura asked, going up on her toes to steal a kiss. “We can make an offer. If they don’t take it, they don’t take it.”

Carmilla bit her lip and leaned into Laura, finally letting herself smile. “Really?”

“Really. We can afford it,” Laura promised, and she wasn’t lying. Styria Publishing was knocking down her door, and from what Natalie had told her, she and Carmilla probably weren’t going to have to be too worried about money. She would just need to make sure she kicked her butt into gear and get her book finished.

Before she knew it, she was buried in Carmilla’s arms, held so tight that it knocked the wind out of her. She laughed and reached out to touch the wall, steadying the both of them. Carmilla didn't yelp or squeal or make any kind of outburst of emotion the way Laura might have, but that didn't mean that she didn't feel it. Laura could tell she was excited, just from her embrace. And then, she heard a tiny, muffled "Thank you," from somewhere buried in her neck.

"It's not like I'm making a huge sacrifice," Laura laughed, pulling back a little to kiss Carmilla's temple. "I'm really looking forward to sucking you into Doctor Who."

Carmilla laughed and rolled her eyes, pushing Laura away. She looked like she couldn't stop smiling if she wanted to, and Laura counted herself lucky that Carmilla let her glimpse this side of her. "Whatever."

"C'mon, let's go talk to a lady about getting this apartment."

 

* * *

 

Laura didn’t know what had made either of them think that moving in November was going to be a good idea. It was even more baffling to think that painting in November would be any more advisable. But it was something that needed to be done, and the landlord had agreed to lower their rent if they were willing to paint themselves. Considering how comfortable Carmilla was with the concept of painting, they had eagerly agreed. This way, they would be able to pick their own color palette, which Carmilla had pointed out almost immediately.

Once their color choices had been approved by the landlord, all they needed to do was get started. They'd signed all of the papers and had checked everything over. It was all ready to go. They just needed to get the place painted and they could start moving stuff in. In the meantime, Laura was temporarily staying with her dad and Carmilla still had her studio apartment, but they were both eager to move in.

Luckily they had gotten started early, though Laura practically had to drag Carmilla out of bed. It had taken some convincing, but Laura knew she was just as eager to get this done. By afternoon, all they had left was the bedroom. They were just putting the last touches on the final coat of pale blue as Carmilla stepped back to observe their handiwork.

"You know, I think we did a pretty good job," she announced, raising an eyebrow at Laura. Once this all dried, they would be able to start moving in. Maybe as soon as that weekend.

"Yeah, for a couple of amateurs," Laura laughed, stepping back to join her.

"Hey, the only amateur around here is you," Carmilla smirked, defiantly sticking her chin into the air. "So speak for yourself."

"Oh, is that so?" Laura asked, reaching out to poke Carmilla in the middle.

_"Yeah,"_ she argued and retaliated by swiping her paint-covered thumb across Laura's cheek. She grinned proudly at her handiwork.

Laura gasped and pulled back, reaching up to cover her cheek. "Hey, you got paint on me!"

"Oh, did I?" Carmilla asked, a Cheshire grin on her lips. "God, what a shame, whatever are we going to with you?"

"Okay, that's it. It is _on,_ Karnstein." She reached out and grabbed Carmilla's wrist before she could pull away, ignoring her protests. She extended her still-dripping paint roller and smeared it across Carmilla's chest, leaving her to gape open-mouthed down at her front.

"Oh, is _that_ how it is?"

Laura grinned, nodding as she started backing away from her girlfriend. "That's how it is."

Carmilla shook her head in shock and stepped toward Laura, not not about to let her get away. "Not so fast, Hollis."

Laura tried to dart out of Carmilla's grasp, but instead found long arms dragging her down to the tarp-covered floor. Carmilla swung her legs over Laura's middle and pinned her wrists above her head, easily holding her down with one hand while holding the other inches above her face.

_"Carmilla..."_ Laura warned.

“Maybe you should've thought twice before you picked a fight with someone with a little brother,” Carmilla pointed out, slowly wiping paint along Laura’s jaw and starting down her neck. “This is not my first time to the rodeo, and you’re a lot smaller than Will.”

Laura squirmed under Carmilla, biting her lip. She lifted her chin up a little, not really fighting too hard when Camilla started pulling up the hem of the old t-shirt she was wearing since she didn't care if it got ruined with paint. Once she got it pulled up to her chin, Carmilla was swirling paint around her belly button, looking smug.

“Carm, this is ridiculous,” Laura protested, but it was clear that she wasn’t really committed to putting up a fight. “How are we going to clean this up?"

Carmilla continued her finger-painting, using the discarded roller next to them to wet her fingertips again when she ran out of paint. She dragged long strokes across Laura’s stomach, giving her vision shape. “There’s a shower here, right? I’ll help you clean up, pumpkin.”

Laura felt her cheeks heat up and she couldn’t really argue with that. Soon enough, Carmilla had loosened her grip on her wrists and she wasn’t fighting any longer. Carmilla didn’t have any other colors to work with, but from what Laura could tell, she was managing just fine. Carmilla flicked her eyes up to catch Laura’s and she could feel her insides go weak. “O- okay.”

Carmilla raised her hand, moving her attention from Laura’s stomach to the exposed skin between her bra and the t-shirt around her chin. She smirked, tracing a few hearts onto the tops of Laura’s breasts. She bent to catch Laura’s lips, smiling against them. “Good.”

Laura sighed into Carmilla’s mouth, letting the kiss linger until she suddenly rolled Carmilla onto her back. She grinned triumphantly, pulling her shirt the rest of the way over her head. She peered down at herself as soon as it was off, admiring the large, leafy flower that Carmilla had drawn on her torso.

Carmilla raised her eyebrows in question, though made no move to push Laura off.

“You’re not the only one who likes fingerpainting,” she explained, reaching for the front of Carmilla's old button-up, ripping it open. She reached for the same paint roller, covering both of her hands. “Though mine isn’t going to be as pretty.”

“Hey, art is in the eye of the beholder,” Carmilla pointed out. She settled with her arms above her head, giving Laura room to work. “It’s all subjective.”

Laura giggled softly as she started painting, drawing messy stick figures and smiley faces on Carmilla's pale skin. It was pretty clear she had the finger-painting skills of a kindergartner, especially when compared to Carmilla's impromptu masterpiece. Still, she was just looking for the excuse to have her hands on her girlfriend. "But everyone's a critic, right?"

"Yeah, and critics are all full of shit," she laughed, though Laura could sense the bitter note beneath Carmilla’s laughter.

Laura bit her lip, sitting up to view her haphazard drawings. She was right, they weren't nearly as pretty as Carmilla's but she wore them well. "Maybe, and if anything I think you make this whole drawing better. I mean, the canvas is pretty fantastic."

Carmilla propped herself up on her elbows and looked down at herself, laughing. She pointed to the stick figures on her stomach. "What is this?"

"That's us," Laura laughed, ducking her head shyly. "In our new apartment."

"Ohhh, okay." She tilted her head, trying look at it from a different angle. "We look happy."

"Well, aren’t we happy?"

"I'm happy," Carmilla confirmed, grinning up at Laura.

Laura grinned back and bent to kiss her again, careful not to smear either of the drawings on their stomachs. Carmilla clearly had different plans, however, and she pulled her down with her, deepening the kiss. Laura met her eagerly, deciding there were more important things to be concerned about than ruining art.

 

* * *

 

After a few weeks of negotiations between the agency and Styria Publishing, Natalie had finally pounded out the terms of the agreement. Which meant this was really happening. She, Laura Hollis, was going to be a published author.

The idea took some getting used to, but she was starting to come to terms with the fact that her life was currently moving at a breakneck speed. All she had to do was hang on and hope she landed on the other side in one piece. But it was good, she had everything under control. Everything was falling into place, and and her life's aspirations were all within her grasp. How could she not take this opportunity?

She was meeting with the publisher for the first time today, and she she thought that she might possibly pass out. She was feeling queasy, anyway, but Carmilla made her toast and insisted she was going to be fine. Laura almost believed her, but now that she was riding the elevator up to the fortieth floor of Styria Publishing, she wondered if she should have skipped the toast.

The elevator doors dinged as they opened and Laura took a deep breath, pushing past the other passengers. She approached the front desk and put on a big smile, telling herself that everything was fine. It was just a normal day.

“Hi! I’m Laura Hollis, and I’m here to see Danielle Lawrence?” she told the girl at the front desk. The placard sitting at the edge told her that the secretary’s name was ‘Sarah Jane.’

The girl’s face lit up and she nodded eagerly.  “Miss Hollis, yes! I’ll tell Danny that you’re here.”

But before Sarah Jane could lift the receiver on her phone, another voice sounded from the hall to Laura’s left. “Laura Hollis?”

Laura turned to greet the owner of the voice: a very tall, eager-looking man with a clean haircut and a tie paired with his tailored designer jeans. Business casual. “I’m Laura Hollis, yes.”

“Laura! Groovy. My name is Kirsch,” he beamed, shifting the stack of papers he was holding to one arm and extending a hand to her. Laura reached to shake it firmly. “I’m Danny’s assistant, I can take you back to her. Thanks, SJ.”

The secretary gave them both a smile and returned the receiver to it’s place. Laura waved to her quickly before turning to follow Krisch down the hall.

“You know, we’re all really excited to meet you,” Kirsch told her, and she wasn’t sure if he could possibly be smiling wider. He had a natural sort of skip in his step that told her that he was probably always like this. “Everyone in the office has read your manuscript, and I’ve gotta say, it’s pretty killer.”

“Oh– God, thank you,” Laura replied, finding it hard not to grin back at him. His energy was contagious, especially when he was complimenting her so thoroughly.

“Yeah, we all really think you’ve got a hit on your hands. Hey, were you planning for the roommate to save her like that from the beginning? I was on the edge of my seat reading that! I couldn’t put it down,” he told her as they walked, leading her to stop in front of an open door. She presumed it to be Danny’s office.

“Uh,” Laura started, trying to think. She hadn’t prepared for this kind of interrogation.

_“Kirsch,”_ came a voice from inside the office. The next moment, there was a tall, leggy redhead in the doorway. She raised her eyebrows at Kirsch, giving him a warning look.

“Sorry,” he apologized, giving them both a sheepish grin. “You can tell me later! Laura, this is Danny Lawrence, editor extraordinaire. Danny, this is the one and only Laura Hollis.”

_“Laura,_ it’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” Danny smiled, stepping aside to let Laura in. “Come in and we’ll get started.”

She looked between Kirsch and Danny, a little shell-shocked, before pushing past them both to enter Danny’s office. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but it wasn’t this. Not six feet of amazonian beauty, but she supposed that didn’t really make a difference. She also wasn’t quite sure what was in store for her, but as the door clicked behind her, she had the distinct feeling that things were only just getting started.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [please come talk to me about this au](http://operativelawsons.tumblr.com/)


	5. I Said I'd Stick It Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait on this chapter! this week got a little busy. many thanks to [chiltongirlsdoitbetter](http://www.chiltongirlsdoitbetter.tumblr.com) for going over this even while sick and recovering from a sprained ankle. everyone go tell her how awesome she is.

_and i’m a part of that_

_aren’t i?_

 

* * *

 

Carmilla hated to admit it, but something felt different. She was home from her semester in Toronto, and now that she was back, everything felt different. She had come home to a world that felt like it had shifted five degrees on its axis and she honestly couldn’t quite put her finger on what had changed. It just seemed like she had missed so much while Laura was home getting her book finished and released.

Not that this was an issue, per say. It was fine. She had known ahead of time that Laura and the publisher were still right in the middle of promoting Laura’s debut novel, _In the Heart of Light._ The book had already quickly swept the nation and was garnering a lot of attention from critics and press alike. It was the new, hot young adult novel on the market. So, naturally, everyone wanted to invite Laura to parties and interview her. Truthfully, it was all a little overwhelming for Carmilla. She’d always had a hard enough time kissing ass when it came to her own work, and she still found it difficult to soften her edge for the sake of putting on a good show. She knew that it didn’t exactly make it easy for Laura, and she had the distinct impression that Laura’s editor, Danny, had discussed Carmilla’s harsh nature with her more than once.

So Carmilla did her best, for Laura’s sake. She put on a smile and answered the same idiotic questions over and over again. _“How long have you and Laura been together?” “What’s it like being married to the hottest young author in town?” “Is it true that the roommate is based on you?”_ It would all be fine if she hadn’t already answered these questions a thousand times before. As it was, her patience was wearing thin.

The only thing these parties were good for were the open bars, which she always made sure to took advantage of. She ever made an embarrassment of it, of course. She knew how to hold her liquor. All the same, a good bourbon had a way of making this whole dog and pony show easier to swallow.

"Hey there, sexy."

Carmilla rolled her eyes and turned away from the bar to throw a wry smile at Kirsch. The over-eager puppy of a man was annoying at best, but Carmilla also didn't hate him. She was pretty sure Danny had picked up on this, so she often sent him in for damage control.

"Come to check on me, frat boy?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. "You can tell Danny I'm doing fine. Just enjoying the party."

Kirsch leveled her with a look that said he didn't believe her in the slightest.

"I'm _fine,_ Kirsch," she repeated with a deep sigh. She leaned back against the bar, surveying the crowd. Laura was across the room, entertaining several guests. Ideally, she would be at her side, but she withered under the spotlight. "I'm just letting Laura do her thing. You know she's so much better at this than I am."

"That's true, but she also, you know. Gives a shit," Kirsch pointed out. He waved the bartender over so he could order his own drink. “While _you,_ on the other hand, look like you’re in pain every time someone tries to ask you a question.”

“Hey, I give a shit,” Carmilla protested. Kirsch shot her another look as the bartender handed him his beer. “Okay, I give a shit about _Laura,_ and I know she wants me to try. So I know all my lines, I make sure everyone gets their soundbite.”

Kirsch didn’t respond, and instead simply continued to peer over at her as he took a sip from the bottle in his hands.

“Would you stop looking at me like that? You try getting asked the same goddamn questions every weekend,” Carmilla grumbled, staring down at the ice in her glass. “Like, yes, it’s very flattering and wonderful that Laura dedicated her book to me. That doesn’t mean I want to be asked about it at every turn.”

“You know, some people might not get that. And they might even think you’re just being, I don’t know. Ungrateful,” he pointed out. He had a way of being honest with her that didn’t make her want to wring his neck. Maybe it was his unflinching optimism and can-do attitude.

(Maybe it was because he reminded her just enough of Laura.)

She released another deep sigh, feeling guilty. It wasn’t that she didn’t try, she _did_ try. She tried much harder than she ever had for herself, and it wasn’t even a question of why. One smile from Laura was all it took to remember why she was doing this. She just wasn’t very good at it.

“Come on, I bet you can be real fun at parties,” Kirsch goaded, nudging her with his elbow, garnering an eyeroll from Carmilla.

 _“Please._ This?” she replied, gesturing toward the room of mingling party-goers. “This isn’t a real party, this is a circle jerk. And I’m not exactly supportive of the fact that all these assholes want is to get their grubby hands on my wife. Figuratively and literally.”

“Point taken,” Kirsch conceded, giving her a small shrug. “But wouldn’t you rather be a help? Because if you aren’t helping, then like. What are you really doing? If the quarterback decides to run the ball in the endzone, you don’t just stand there with your thumb up your ass, you hold that line.”

She gave another soft huff before finishing off her drink, not answering him. She knew that she’d been pouting tonight, but she hadn’t even wanted to come in the first place. Laura had asked her and she agreed because evidently even after three years together she was still completely powerless against her wife's charms.

She looked over to where Laura was surrounded by the regular crowd of industry lack wits and found her eyes. Every bitter thought she’d been harboring melted away as Laura smiled at her in that way that took over all five feet and two inches of her body. She’d never met anyone who could smile from head to toe like that until she met Laura.

“I don’t understand anything about what I can only assume is football, but… You're not exactly wrong," she admitted finally, blowing out her breath. She wasn't being fair, but she was getting sick of this. She hated being a plus one.

"So... You'll put on that pretty smile I know is in there somewhere?"

Carmilla glared at him, but then softened into a smile that almost looked sincere. She leaned closer to him, animated. “Oh my god, that’s so nice of you to say! But I’m pretty sure the roommate is definitely not based on me. I mean, I would never be able to pull off leather pants,” she told him, as if in reply to a question he’d posed. She then raised her eyebrows at him. “Is that good enough for you?”

Kirsch laughed and gave her a thumbs up. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

She shook her head and returned his laugh, setting her empty glass on the bar. “Okay, okay. I should go help Laura out. Even if it'll just be me standing there awkwardly.”

“You know, you’re better at this than you think you are, dude,” he told her, scrunching his nose at her.

“Yeah, well. Thanks. _Dude.”_

“Anytime,” he grinned.

She rolled her eyes as she started to pull away from the bar, but Kirsch reached for her elbow, stopping her. He looked at her with furrowed brows, like he was searching for the right words to say. Which was strange, coming from him. She had never known him to be particularly careful about the words that came out of his mouth, and even now, it was like she was watching gears physically turn in his head.

“Have you talked to Laura?”

She frowned at him. “What do you mean? Everything is fine.”

“Look, I know it’s not really my place to say–”

“Then don’t,” she told him firmly, pulling her elbow away from his grasp. “This is all just for a little while longer, isn’t it? The hype will die down and we can all go back to normal. I’m not some delicate flower, so you don’t need to worry about me.”

Kirsch held his hands up, defensive. “Alright, alright. I won’t mention it again. Just…” He looked over to Laura and then back to Carmilla. He gave her a small smile. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

“You kind of suck at pep talks,” she told him, but she returned his smile. She sighed and turned to head towards the throng of admirers surrounding Laura. Sure, she hated this, and she hated every single person at this party apart from Laura and Kirsch (mostly), but she had promised to make the best of it. Things were bound to calm down soon. It was all just intense because Laura’s book was still a hot item. Soon enough people would find something new to focus on and she and Laura would finally get some peace again.

Probably.

 

* * *

 

At the very least, Carmilla had a break from school. Summer had officially started, so she had a chance to actually relax. She had hoped that once she was back from Toronto she and Laura would have more time together, but things were still so busy with the release of Laura’s book. With everything going on, she was surprised to find that Laura still had time to write.

But then again, Laura had always been constantly writing. She always kept a notebook with her, and in the time that Carmilla had known her, she’d filled dozens of them. She knew because they were all shoved onto a bookshelf in their bedroom. Truthfully, Carmilla admired Laura’s work ethic, but sometimes she wished that they could just take a break together.

She peered over at Laura from she had her easel set up, studying her for a moment. The painting in front of her was proving to be something of a problem for her, and she wasn’t getting very far with it. Really, she had a nagging urge to blow it off and go out somewhere, but Laura was writing, as usual. She didn't feel like going alone.

She chewed on her lip as she watched Laura type away at the computer in front of her, staring at the screen like she was in a trance. It wasn't an unusual sight. The entire world outside could be crumbling and Laura wouldn't take notice, not when she was in writing mode like this. She would spend hours like this, barely moving, only taking breaks to eat if Carmilla reminded her.

But then Laura looked up and smiled, and everything sort of clicked back into place. Carmilla struggled with the current state of their life together, but it was moments like these that made it all worth it. Laura let her in on this side of the curtain and no one else got to see that. It made her a part of Laura’s work. It meant she had the privilege of being involved in a way that no one else could.

Carmilla smiled to herself and decided against bothering Laura just yet, not when she was so clearly making progress. She instead turned to her own painting and released a deep sigh. She was still struggling with it, and she didn't see that improving any time today. So she reached up to loosen the clamp on her easel, taking the painting down. She didn't want to look at it any longer, so she’d start over. Paint something new. Maybe Laura's smile would help breathe new life into her paintbrush.

“Is everything alright?”

Carmilla looked up to find Laura peering at her curiously, eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Oh, yeah. Everything’s fine,” she insisted. She set the unfinished piece aside, so she could come back to it later if she found the motivation. “I just need to put that one away for a little bit, I think. How’s the writing going? Got any more best sellers in the works over there?”

Laura rolled her eyes and laughed softly. She reached up to stretch a little, running her hands through her hair. “Yeah, I don’t know about that. I mean, I’m working on an outline, but I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.”

Carmilla set her paintbrush down and approached the desk, bending to wrap her arms around Laura’s shoulders from behind. “Oh, come on. I’m sure it’ll be great,” she smiled, kissing Laura’s temple. “It’s not like you’re a New York Times bestselling author anything. The back cover could practically write itself. _‘The highly anticipated sophomore novel from bestselling author Laura Hollis…’”_

Laura laughed and pushed Carmilla away, shaking her head. “Don’t remind me. The book hasn’t been out half a year yet and it’s like everyone expects me to make lightening strike twice.”

“Yeah, but that’s just because we all know you’ve got it in you.” She smiled gently down at Laura, smoothing her hair away from her face. If she was being honest with herself, she hoped Laura took a little time before she jumped right back into the thick of things. Carmilla wasn’t sure if she’d be ready to jump with her so soon.

“What’s wrong?” Laura asked, looking up at her from her desk chair. She must have started frowning without realizing it.

“Nothing,” Carmilla insisted, shaking her head.

Laura mirrored her frown and reached for her hand. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course,” she replied, putting on a smile again. She squeezed Laura’s hand lightly. “My eyes are just tired from staring at that painting. I can’t believe you haven’t taken a break yet.”

Laura gave her a sheepish smile. “I guess I’ve been at it a while.”

“You wanna go get dinner?” It was still a little early, but if they left now they’d be right on time for the dinner rush.

Laura glanced at the clock, chewing her bottom lip. “Let me get out this last bit. I’m almost done, promise.”

Carmilla sighed and nodded, pulling her hand away. “I’ll start cleaning up.”

“Thanks, Carm.”

Instead of replying, Carmilla bent to kiss her before pulling away to clear away her supplies.

 

* * *

 

Carmilla took a long drink from her iced coffee, glaring mildly at the other customers in the coffee shop. She liked the coffee from this particular shop, but there were only so many grubby college kids with ironic tattoos that she could handle. They were all very bright-eyed and optimistic about life. She wanted to shake them all tell them about how their dreams were all doomed to failure.

“Sweetheart, are you okay?”

Carmilla’s attention snapped back to Perry, who sat across the table from her with her own mocha latte nonsense. Coffee shouldn’t be that sweet. “I’m fine.”

“Because you look like you’re going to attack that nice young student at the counter who dared to order a latte with two shots of vanilla and extra milk,” Perry pointed out in her regular nonsensical manner.

Carmilla sneered in disgust. “Why bother? It’s not even coffee, at that point. He’s ordering a fucking vanilla milkshake.”

“I’m sorry we can’t all sip caffè americanos like you, dear,” Perry replied, setting her chin in her hand.

Carmilla heaved a deep sigh, furrowing her brows. When she had asked Perry to meet her for coffee, she had hoped that getting out of the house would lighten her mood a little, but that clearly wasn’t happening. Laura was writing, and she was in that kind of zone that meant Carmilla wasn’t going to be able to get anything through to her. She’d check up on her later.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

“What? Nothing.”

She could tell by her expression that Perry very clearly didn’t believe her.

Carmilla pressed her lips thin, staring down at her coffee. “We have another party tonight. I told Laura I’d go, but it’s not like I really have a choice anyway.”

“Sweetheart, have you tried talking to Laura about this?”

“What good is that going to do?” she asked, shifting uncomfortably under the weight of Perry’s sympathetic gaze. She knew Perry meant well, but she didn’t want pity. “It’s not like Laura’s just going to stop attending these parties, it’s… It’s all a part of the whole deal. It’s work. It’s whatever.”

“But _you_ clearly are not happy.”

“I promised Laura I’d stick this out. I can’t just throw a tantrum every time I don’t want to go to stupid party.”

Perry didn’t respond, but she also wouldn’t stop looking at Carmilla like she was a kicked puppy.

“Look, I’m sorry for being such a drag,” Carmilla muttered, reaching up to run a hand through her hair. She leaned back in her chair with a huff. “I invited you here and I didn’t mean to unload on you like this.”

“You don’t need to apologize to me for needing to talk. It’s okay to vent sometimes, you know.”

“No, I know.” Carmilla looked down at her hands, idly picking at her nails. It was better than meeting Perry’s eyes. “I hate feeling like I’m just complaining. It shouldn't be this hard, it's just a party, and it's not like I even have to do anything. I'm just there to smile and look pretty on Laura's arm." She couldn't keep the venom from trickling into that last bit. At those parties, she was a decoration.

"It's not a nice feeling, I know, sweetie," Perry told her, trying to relate. "I know I've felt a little lost myself at some LaFontaine's office get-togethers. Believe me, there are only so many jokes about mitochondria that a person can take.”

Carmilla let herself laugh at that, because she could only imagine what a party like that would be like. Honestly, she thought she might welcome the change of pace, even if it meant dozens of jokes about mitochondria. “Thanks, Perr. And thanks for letting me vent.”

“Honestly, Carmilla, it’s not a problem,” Perry assured her, reaching over to pat her hand. “But really, if it bothers you this much, you should talk to Laura.”

Carmilla blew a sigh out, making a face. She didn’t like to admit it, but Perry was usually right. “Yeah, we’ll see. Maybe once Laura’s done getting sucked into whatever her new project is.”

“She’ll listen. She loves you.”

She gave Perry another small smile before turning back to her coffee. She straightened in her chair, leaning forward. “So tell me more about these wild biology department parties.”

 

* * *

 

Carmilla was right. She didn’t want to be here. Other than the fact that it was just all the same nonsense as always, she was still in an awful mood. It felt like she hadn’t actually spoken to Laura in weeks. A wall had built up between them.

She was at the bar again, and she was far too sober to believe it when she told herself that she didn't care. As far as she was concerned, though, this was the safest place in the whole room. That probably said something about her.

She found Laura across the room, the same drink in her hand that she’d started with that night. Laura had never been a big drinker, which was probably a good thing. She was much more of a lightweight than Carmilla, that was for sure. But more importantly, she looked like she was having a good time. And that was good. This was more her thing, in any case. Carmilla wasn’t even totally sure why it was so important that she came.

She watched as Laura talked to a small group where one woman in particular was paying her wife extra attention. Carmilla’s brows furrowed, her mood darkening considerably. It was absolutely ridiculous that she would be so bothered by something as simple as that. It wasn’t even like Laura was returning her attention in the slightest, not any more than she would for anyone else. Because Laura was kind, and open, and she would never do something like that. Carmilla trusted her. But that didn’t mean that she didn’t feel like storming over there to throw Laura’s untouched drink in that woman’s face. At least then the vodka wouldn’t go to waste.

“You know, no one is making you come to these parties,” came Danny’s voice from beside her. She must have come to get a drink while Carmilla was busy staring down Laura’s new admirer.

“Where’s Kirsch?” Carmilla asked, stiffening. She stood a little straighter, taking a sip from her drink. “Don’t you usually send him to babysit?”

Danny pressed her lips thin, the muscle in her jaw flexing. “Kirsch couldn’t make it tonight.”

Carmilla envied him. “Pity. Maybe you’d actually relax if you had your lapdog around to do your dirty work.”

“That’s really fresh, coming from you.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Xena?”

“You say that like you don’t trot along at Laura’s heels wherever she goes.”

“I’m sorry, I’m little confused as to when that becomes a problem. I’m her wife, not her assistant. She doesn’t have to pay me to like her and support her.”

 _“Why_ are you here?” Danny asked sharply, her nostrils flaring. Apparently she’d struck a nerve. “All you do is mope and leave Laura on her own. She’s obviously been doing just fine without your help.”

“Because _Laura_ asked me to,” she bit back, setting her glass down on the bar, a little harder that she had intended. She clenched her fist, trying to reel back all the bitter words that pressed against the back of her lips. This was _not_ the night for this. “Again… We’re _married,_ in case you’ve forgotten.”

“Well maybe Laura’s too nice to say this to you, but you’re not helping,” Danny replied. She shifted her weight and folded her arms, staring Carmilla down. She had probably a good six inches on her, if not more, but Carmilla didn’t feel like backing down in the slightest. If Danny was going to pick a fight in the middle of this stupid party, then she wasn’t going to disappoint her. At least then there’d be a little excitement instead of the same boring bullshit as always.

Carmilla pulled herself up as tall as she could, though she was still hilariously dwarfed by the redhead. “Alright, you know what Danny? This is the last time I’m letting you speak to me li–”

_“Carmilla!”_

They both turned to find Laura gaping at them, horrified. She wasn’t the only one. A few of the other guests had noticed the rising tension between them, but Carmilla was still too heated to care.

“Laura, everything’s fine. We were just talking,” Danny explained, trying to placate her. It sounded completely ridiculous and Carmilla couldn’t stop from scoffing. They were obviously not fine.

Laura turned to Danny, though she reached for Carmilla’s hand, tugging her away from the bar. “Right. Danny, if you’ll excuse us, please.”

Laura almost looked apologetic as she steered the both of them away, towards the front door.

“Laura, I know that you’re probably upset with me right now, but Danny just–”

“Just _what,_ Carmilla?” she interrupted, rounding on Carmilla. They’d stopped in the foyer, which was thankfully empty. Everyone was still back at the party. “What could possibly excuse you getting into a fight with my _editor?”_

“She picked a fight with _me._ Laura, I was not the only one back there,” she pointed out, gesturing back towards where Danny was undoubtedly feeling rather pleased with herself. Carmilla could just picture the smug look on her face and it made her sick.

“She is my editor, Carmilla. Of all the people you could possibly insult, you had to choose my _editor.”_ Laura reached up to rub the space between her eyebrows, like she always did when she was getting a headache. She started toward the door, opening it so that Carmilla could go through first. “I know it’s such a chore for you to support me at these parties, Carmilla, but I really don’t think that this whole thing was necessary.”

“Would stop and listen to me, Laura?” she asked, backing through the door, expecting Laura to follow. “You’re not even giving me a chance to explain what happened.”

“You can tell me all about it at home, Carmilla,” she told her. Carmilla wasn’t sure she’d ever seen such a callous expression on Laura’s face. At least, not towards her.

“Fine, whatever. We’ll just leave this stupid party. I’m ready to go home anyway.” She turned to leave, not realizing at first that Laura wasn’t right behind her.

“Baby, I have to stay. I can’t just leave,” Laura pointed out, like it wasn’t even a question.

“So you’re sending me home? Like I’m a child?”

“Just… Go home, Carmilla.”

Carmilla stared at Laura, her mouth hanging open. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say or do. Not when Laura was already closing the door and she was left alone in the hallway.

 

* * *

 

“Will, I hate this.”

Will looked up at her like he didn’t know exactly how to respond. Upon barging into his apartment, she’d thrown herself on his couch face-first and he was left to peer at her over his laptop in confusion.

“You know, if you keep coming over like this, I’m gonna have to start charging.”

Carmilla groaned and rolled onto her side, glaring at him.

“So the party went well, then.”

“I’m going to murder Danny Lawrence.”

Will’s eyebrows shot up and he tilted his head curiously at his sister. “Laura’s editor?”

“She’s awful, she treats me like I shouldn’t even be there. She’s almost as bad as Laura’s dad,” she huffed angrily. She’d been angry about this since the party last night. It was bad enough that Danny constantly condescended to her, but last night had been especially bad. The worst part was that Laura couldn’t even bring herself to stick up for her or apparently even understand why Carmilla was upset. She thought that maybe she wouldn’t be so fucked up about it after she slept, but she’d woken up the same angry knot in the pit of her stomach.

Will’s frowned and shut his laptop, setting it aside so he could lean closer to her from where he sat. “Has she always been like this?”

Carmilla shook her head, hugging one of the couch pillows close to her chest. She wanted to go back to sleep and stay that way until she stopped feeling like this. “I mean, we’ve never been friends, really. But ever since I got back from Toronto, it’s like she hates me.”

“That _does_ seem weird.”

“I wish I had never taken that internship. This is stupid. It feels like so much has changed and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.”

Will reached out to push Carmilla’s hair away from her face. She hadn’t to come to him like this in years, it felt like. She hadn’t needed to, and she had never expected Laura to be the reason she would ever need to again. “I think I might have some cookies in the pantry. Do you want some?”

She nodded, silent. This was pathetic.

Will got up to go to his kitchen, retrieving a package of oreos to bring back to her. “They aren’t as good as homemade, but they’re all I’ve got.”

“Thanks, kid,” she told him, sitting up to take one. She moved over so he could join her and they sat without saying a word to each other, his arms around her shoulders.

Eventually, Carmilla broke the silence. “I think I’m losing her.”

Will furrowed his brows, smoothing her hair. “Have you talked to her?”

She didn’t respond, instead hugging his pillow closer. She knew that was the obvious answer, to talk to Laura, but every time she tried something held her back. Laura didn’t seem to be struggling the same way that Carmilla was. To the contrary, Laura was flourishing. Or would be, if she didn’t have Carmilla to hold her back. That’s what everyone wasn’t saying. Carmilla was tying her down.

“Thanks for the cookies,” she told him, finally pulling away. He was probably busy and she had a few paintings she could work on. She’d planned on heading to her studio today, anyway. “I should let you get back to… Whatever it is I interrupted.”

“Just some work stuff, it’s fine,” he shrugged, still looking at her with that same concerned furrow of his brow. “You can hang out here if you need to, Carmilla.”

She bent to kiss his cheek, stealing a few more cookies for good measure and ruffling his hair before pulling away. “I should go.”

“Will you be alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she promised, the front door already open. “I’ll call you, okay?”

Will sighed and nodded. They’d known each long enough that they both knew he wasn’t going to convince her to stay. “Okay.”

She gave him one last tight-lipped smile before escaping, closing the door behind her. She’d go to her studio and paint. She’d get it all out on canvas, and then she could go back home to Laura. They’d make up and everything would be fine. They were happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, i'm a wreck too. [come talk to me about it.](http://www.operativelawsons.tumblr.com)


	6. Take Your Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the one where laura shows off her storytelling abilities. she's totally gonna be a bestselling author, guys, she's got this. thanks once again to my beta [chiltongirlsdoitbetter]()!

_but shouldn’t i want the world to see_

_the brilliant girl who inspires me?_

 

* * *

 

“Laura, have you told Carmilla the good news?”

Carmilla turned to Laura, quirking an eyebrow curiously. “What good news?”

Danny gave a soft chuckle, handing them both glasses of champagne. These parties were still much fancier than either of them were used to, but Laura thought she could probably get used to this.

 _“Danny,”_ she scolded as Carmilla looked between them, confused. Laura sighed and turned to her girlfriend. “I was going to show you when we got home.”

“Sorry,” Danny apologized, making a face. “I assumed Laura would be excited to show you.”

“I _am_ excited to show her,” Laura corrected, pouting.

“Show me what?”

Carmilla was clutching onto her hand tightly, and Laura could tell she felt a little lost. Not just because of this conversation, but because of the party in general. This wasn’t really her scene. Laura gave Carmilla’s hand a squeeze, reassuring her. “Well, it’s not really a surprise, necessarily, but Danny and I added the dedication to the manuscript today,” she explained, smiling shyly. She honestly couldn’t wait to show Carmilla the real thing. “It’s official.”

Carmilla’s eyes lit up and she visibly relaxed, perhaps forgetting where she was for a moment. “You’re really dedicating your book to me?”

 _“Yes,_ silly, I’ve told you that,” Laura laughed, tugging Carmilla closer by her hand.

“And now it’s on paper,” Danny added, raising her own glass of champagne before drinking modestly from it. “Of course, there’s still a lot of work to be done, but Laura said she wanted to make sure that was taken care of.”

Carmilla looked like she didn’t know what to say exactly, so Laura pulled their joined hands up to her lips so she could kiss the back of Carmilla’s hand. “This book never would have been what it is now if it weren’t for you, so.”

"Still," Carmilla said, smiling to herself. She bent to steal a real kiss.

"Oookay, I'll leave you two alone," Danny interrupted, pulling them both out of their own little world. "Laura, can I steal you later? There's a few people I should introduce you to."

"Yeah, of course," Laura agreed, grinning widely. She was still holding on to Carmilla's hand.

"Great, I'll come grab you a little later," Danny promised, nodding to both of them as she started backing away. "Carmilla, a pleasure, as always."

"A pleasure," Carmilla agreed, though it sounded a little stiff. Laura assumed it was just because Carmilla still felt a little out of place.

"You okay, Carm?" she asked once Danny was out of earshot.

"Yeah, of course," Carmilla insisted. She gave Laura's hand a small squeeze and took a sip from her champagne.

"I know this is all a little ridiculous, and I know it's not really your thing. I kind of feel like Danny's just showing me around like a prized pony, so I can imagine how weird this is for you," she started, rambling a little. "It's just part of the whole deal, I guess. You have to network to make it and–"

 _"Cupcake,_ it's fine," Carmilla assured her, laughing softly. She reached to cup Laura's cheek, who immediately relaxed. "You're kind of a big deal, and this is just the beginning. I'm with you on this. I'm proud of you."

Those words were enough to immediately reduce Laura into a grinning mess. If there weren't so many people around and if she didn't have to keep up certain appearances, she likely would have tackled Carmilla then and there. "You really know how to woo a girl, you know that, Karnstein?"

"It's a talent, what can I say," Carmilla laughed, bending to press a chaste kiss to Laura's cheek. She pulled away after that, keeping a more respectable distance for the kind of company they were currently keeping. "I'm sure you'll find a way to reciprocate."

Laura gave her a playful warning look, lightly swatting her thigh. Still, she was grinning. She straightened, smoothing out the skirt of her new cocktail dress. "Okay, how do I look? Because I _feel_ like a nervous kid on their first day of school."

Carmilla reached out to sweep her bangs from her face, giving her a confident nod. "You look amazing, buttercup," she promised. "You'll have them all charmed in no time."

Laura was really glad she had Carmilla at her side. She didn't know if she would have been able to calm her nerves, otherwise. There was so much happening at once and she was grateful that Carmilla could be there to keep her centered.

"Thanks, Carm," she said, taking a deep breath. She felt Carmilla reach up to squeeze her elbow encouragingly. "I should get out there and... Mingle, I guess."

"Go get 'em, tigerlily. You know where to find me."

Laura beamed up at her girlfriend and silently vowed to make this up to her. Or at least make it worthwhile. She was certain she could think of something.

 

* * *

 

Laura had her things spread across the coffee table so she could make some notes on her manuscript, a red pen in hand. Normally, she worked primarily on her computer, but she found it more productive sometimes to edit on paper. She had her hair pulled up into a messy bun, and was chewing on the cap of her pen when she heard Carmilla burst through their front door.

_“Fuck!”_

Laura’s eyebrows shot up and she peered over the back of the couch to watch Carmilla throw her coat off in a fit. She’d gone to meet with a curator for a gallery, and Laura knew she’d had high hopes going in. Apparently, things hadn’t gone as well as anticipated. “Uh. How’d the interview go?”

Carmilla threw her a glare and she cringed because that was a stupid question.

“Okay, baby,” Laura started, almost falling as she scrambled over the back of the couch. “Carm, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. Did they say anything?”

Carmilla groaned as she pulled off her scarf, hanging it on the coat rack along with her parka. “The guy was a complete snob,” she complained through clenched teeth. “All he cared about was my ‘vision’ or where I thought I was going in my career. He barely even glanced at my portfolio.”

Laura frowned, taking the binder that contained Carmilla’s portfolio from her and set it on the small table they had in their foyer. She reached to help Carmilla out of her jacket. “I’m so sorry, I know you worked really hard on that.”

“It’s so _stupid,_ Laura. It’s like my work doesn’t even matter,” Carmilla huffed, letting Laura help her out of her winter layers. She pulled off her hat last and hung it on the rack before Laura tugged her into their living room. Laura sank onto the couch and pulled Carmilla with her, who willingly buried herself in Laura’s arms. Carmilla had never explicitly stated it, but Laura knew that she liked to be held. If there was nothing else she could do to comfort her girlfriend, she could at least be the big spoon.

“Of course your work matters,” Laura assured, one leg draped over Carmilla’s hip. She nestled her chin on top of Carmilla’s shoulder and reached to lace their fingers together. “You do amazing work, it’s _beautiful._ And it’s part of you, so of course it matters.”

Laura felt Carmilla’s rib cage expand as she took in a breath and released it as a sigh. Laura knew that she was frustrated and that there wasn’t a lot she could say or do to make things better. She didn’t have a magic wand to fix things, as much as she wished she did.

“It feels like I’m shouting in the middle of an empty room,” she muttered, idly playing with Laura’s fingers. It still sent a thrill up Laura’s spine. “If no one is there to listen, does it even count?”

“I’m listening.”

Carmilla rolled over with some effort, repositioning on their tiny couch so she could face Laura. There was a small frown on her face that Laura wished she could kiss away.  Instead she simply reached up to touch her hand to Carmilla’s cheek.

“I know,” she murmured, shifting forward to set her forehead against Laura’s. It almost felt like an apology.

“And everyone else will catch up. You’ll see.”

Carmilla released another sigh and this time Laura felt it on her lips. They both closed their eyes and laid in silence, Laura gently tracing circles down Carmilla’s shoulder and back. The pages of her manuscript were still scattered across the coffee table, but Laura didn’t mind taking a break for this.

“Sometimes I feel like I got cheated,” Carmilla admitted, finally breaking the silence.

Laura opened her eyes to find that same frown on her lips, her eyes closed.

“I could have gone to school, probably, but no one was ever going to pay for an art degree. Least of all my foster mother,” she continued, her eyes fluttering open to meet Laura’s. It was hard for Carmilla to talk about this kind of stuff, and Laura knew that. Carmilla worked hard, but no amount of hard work could make up for certain opportunities that were out of her reach. It made Laura ache just thinking about it. “I keep thinking that maybe if I had just shut up and pursued a more sensible career that–”

“No, don’t talk like that, Carmilla,” Laura interrupted, shaking her head. “This is what makes you happy. You should get to do what makes you happy.”

“Yeah, in a perfect world. We don’t all get to live in that world.”

Laura furrowed her brows, mirroring Carmilla’s frown. “But I want you to live in that world. I want to live there _with_ you.”

Carmilla released a soft laugh, shaking her head. “You are far too good, Laura Hollis.”

She caught Laura’s lips in a quick kiss before pulling away, sitting up and reaching to straighten her hair. Laura sat up a little and frowned at her. “Where are you going?”

“I have work tonight, sundance,” she explained, turning a little to meet Laura’s gaze. “Believe me, I wish I didn’t.”

Laura made a face, scrunching her nose. “I probably shouldn’t encourage you to ditch.”

“No, probably not,” she agreed, though a small smile finally tugged at her lips. Laura could at least congratulate herself on getting her to smile. “But maybe next time.”

Laura sat up all the way and snaked her arms around Carmilla’s middle, burying her nose in her shoulder. Carmilla sank into her embrace without putting up much of a fight.

“Seriously, cupcake, I have to go get ready.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Laura agreed, nodding, pressing almost-chaste kisses to crook of Carmilla’s neck.”

_“Laura.”_

She released a huff, defeated. Carmilla hated her job at the bar, even though she still showed up whenever they called. Laura had convinced Carmilla to cut back to two jobs instead of three, but she’d kept the bar because the tips were good. Laura wished she’d been able to convince Carmilla let go of that one too, but she’d take her victories where she could. She placed one last kiss to Carmilla’s cheek before releasing her. “You’ll be home late?”

“Probably,” Carmilla nodded, standing up. “But I’ll try not to wake you up.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Laura shook her head. “Wake me up. I’ll probably still be working on this anyway.”

Carmilla glanced at the pages on the coffee table before turning her smile back to Laura, giving her a nod. “Okay. It’s going well, I hope?”

“It’s getting there.”

“Good,” she said, smiling just a little wider. She bent to steal a kiss. “Hey, I love you.”

“Hey, I love you too.”

Laura released a sigh as she watched Carmilla retreat to their bedroom to change. Sometimes she thought it might kill her to watch Carmilla struggle like this, but she didn’t know how she could fix it. She wasn’t even sure she could fix it.

 

* * *

 

“What’s up, tiny lovebird babes?” Kirsch dropped in on them both, practically launching himself between the two of them on the couch they'd taken up. They were all at another one of those parties that the publisher had invited them to. Laura felt like she was starting to get the hang of this whole thing, and she felt like she could take on the world with Carmilla at her side.

“'Tiny lovebird babes?'” Laura asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Yeah, you should really work on your nicknames," Carmilla added with a smirk, a drink in her hand. She still wasn’t completely comfortable in this setting, but Laura could see that she was a little more relaxed when Kirsch was cracking jokes. _“Bro.”_

“Hey, dude,” Kirsch warned, giving Carmilla a serious look. “‘Bro’ is a sacred bond. Don’t say it unless you mean it.”

Carmilla laughed and rolled her eyes. “Fine, beefcake. It still remains that you suck at nicknames.”

“Hey, aren’t you both small babes?” he asked pointedly. “And are you also not sickeningly in love?”

Laura couldn’t help but smile a little at that. He wasn’t wrong. “Okay, yes, but–”

 _“So,_ tiny lovebird babes!” He looked entirely pleased with himself, and draped his arms across both their shoulders and Laura released laugh. She looked over to Carmilla who gave an amused shrug in reply. “And you still didn’t answer my question. How’s the party?”

Carmilla shrugged again and took a sip from her drink, deferring to Laura.

“It’s good! Carmilla and I are enjoying ourselves,” Laura promised, nodding eagerly.

“Yeah?” Kirsch asked, narrowing his eyes at Carmilla a brief moment. “Do you guys need anything? Another drink?”

“Really, Kirsch, we’re fine,” Laura insisted.

“Did Danny send you to check on us?” Carmilla asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

Kirsch brought a hand to his clutch at his chest, feigning offense. “Do I need Danny’s permission to come hang out with my favorite couple?”

Neither Laura nor Carmilla answered him, instead staring at him pointedly.

“Okay, yes, she did ask that I check in with you two,” he relented, rolling his eyes, “But it’s our job to make sure you guys are comfortable. This is only the beginning, after all. If everything works out according to plan, everyone’s gonna want a piece of Laura Hollis.”

“Joy,” Carmilla deadpanned. Laura met her with a look that was somewhere between scolding and apologetic.

“We’re fine, I promise,” Laura repeated once again. “It’s just a party, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to handle ourselves.”

“I just wanted to make sure you weren’t getting tired of all of the praise getting thrown at you,” he teased, smirking. “The book isn’t even finished yet and you got people eating out of the palm of your hand. How’s that feel?”

“Weird,” Laura laughed, scrunching her nose. “But not… Entirely unwelcome?”

“She’s taking to it like a fish to water,” Carmilla added fondly, leaning to look over Kirsch at her girlfriend. “So you can let Danny know that the ace in her pocket is still doing just fine.”

“Noted. And what about you, dark-and-broody?”

“Oh, I’m just here for the open bar,” Carmilla drawled, holding up her glass pointedly. The amber liquid swirled around within it. “Someone's gotta make up for our resident lush, here.”

“Hey! I’m not _that_ bad,” Laura immediately protested.

“Should I tell Kirsch about the night you almost set my curtains on fire, cupcake?”

“It’s not my fault you have so many candles,” Laura pouted. “Seriously, the fire hazard was already present!”

Carmilla laughed and Kirsch joined her, looking between the two of them amusedly. “Dude, don’t tell me you actually caught something on fire.”

“No, but she knocked my end-table over after we shared a bottle of wine,” Carmilla explained, grinning. “And she hadn’t even had that much of the wine, I drank most of it.”

Laura bunched her face disapprovingly at Carmilla. “Carm, I’m supposed to be acting composed. _Professional.”_

“I know,” Carmilla sighed, and Laura could see she was fighting the urge to roll her eyes. “Seems like a waste of a party, to me.”

“Kinda sucks, right?” Kirsch agreed, nodding. He gave Camilla a wry smile. “Which only means that I’m gonna have to hang out with you ladies at a real party, one of these days. I mean, what’s the point if there’s not at least a chance that something will catch on fire?”

Carmilla released another laugh. Laura was pretty sure this was the first time she’d witnessed her actually enjoying herself at one of these parties. There hadn’t been a lot of them, yet, but Kirsch’s presence had definitely made a difference. Whatever he was doing, it worked.

“Yeah, maybe we can arrange that,” Laura agreed with a nod.

“So what, does that make us _bros_ now, big guy?” Carmilla asked.

“Only if you mean it, Carm-sexy.”

She laughed again, shaking her head. “Yeah, we really gotta work on that.”

 

* * *

 

“LaF, what are we even looking for?”

“Do I look like I know?” LaFontaine replied, shooting Laura a worried look. “We’ve been together for almost six years and I still never know what to get her for Christmas. And she _always_ gets me something amazing.”

“Yeah, remember that time you got her a blender?” Laura asked with a small laugh.

“Hey, that blender was rad as hell. Still is,” they countered. They pointed a finger at Laura defensively, brows furrowed. “We make so much cool crap with that blender.”

“Well, _yes,_ that might be true,” Laura sighed, running her fingers along one of the high-powered mixers on display. She was accompanying LaFontaine on their Christmas shopping, and they had inevitably wound up in the kitchen appliances. This was a running theme for LaFontaine when it came to finding gifts for Perry. “But maybe sometimes a person wants something that isn’t quite so… Practical?”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Okay,” Laura started, turning to face LaF. She leaned against the edge of the shelf in front of them, arms crossed. _“You_ like practical. You’re very logical and what’s the point of a gift if you can’t use it, right?”

“Yes, generally that’s how I feel,” they agreed, narrowing their eyes. “What’s your point, Hollis?”

“Maybe sometimes we want something that’s just… Pretty? Maybe Perry would like something that she _wants,_ not what she needs.”

LaFontaine frowned at the fancy mixers in front of them. “So you’re saying that I _shouldn’t_ go with the kitchen theme, this year?”

“I’m saying that you guys have been together for almost six years and maybe there might be a more romantic option out there than a KitchenAid,” Laura explained, giving LaFontaine a sidelong glance. The mixers were nice, but she was pretty sure Perry had bought herself a new one not all that long ago. “Cookware is _safe.”_

“Right. _Romantic,”_ they agreed, nodding with newfound determination. A smile crept across their lips. “So like, flowers? Chocolate?”

“It’s a start,” Laura laughed. “Come on, I think we passed a jewelry store on the way in.”

“You really think jewelry isn’t too… Impersonal?” LaFontaine asked, following Laura towards the exit of the department store.

“It isn’t if you don’t make it impersonal,” she reasoned, waiting for LaF to catch up. “You can’t just pick out the first pair of diamonds you see. It’s gotta speak to you.”

“If diamonds start speaking to me I think we’ve got a bigger problem on our hands,” they laughed. They threw Laura a curious look, tilting their head. “What about you? Thinking of picking anything up for Carmilla?”

“I might look,” Laura admitted with a sly grin. “But I’ve got some plans. I’d need to find the right piece if it’s gonna go with what I’m thinking.”

“Okay, Casanova, what are you gonna do? Should I be worried about getting shown up, here?”

“It’s not a competition, LaF,” she chastised as they approached the jewelry store. She glanced over the pairs of earrings she found encased in the first display. Earrings might work, but only if she found the right pair. “But if it were, you totally should be worried.”

“What is it?” LaFontaine asked, joining her at the glass case. They looked mildly overwhelmed by all the options.

Laura shook her head, her lips sealed. “I’m still working out the logistics. It’s… It’s pretty big, actually.”

“You’re not, um. Popping any questions, are you?”

 _“No,”_ Laura replied immediately, her cheeks going a little pink. “I mean, not that… Not yet, anyway. It’s still too soon for something like that, isn’t it?”

“Probably,” they smirked. “Why, something on your mind?”

“No. I mean. No, not really,” she insisted again. She probably sounded like she was trying to convince herself and she wasn’t entirely sure that wasn’t true. It was absolutely too early to be thinking about something like that, not to mention that it was probably inadvisable while she was still so busy with finishing her book. Still, it was nice to dream, right?

It didn’t help that she was now suddenly face-to-face with a collection of stunning engagement rings. It was hard not to picture which one might look best on Carmilla’s slender hand.

“Ooookay, dream girl,” LaFontaine interrupted, firmly steering her away from the rings. “If you’re not putting a ring on that yet, what are you doing?”

Laura chewed on her lip, debating. “Okay, you know how Carmilla always works so hard, right? I mean she has two jobs and that’s just because I was able to convince her to let go of one. She barely even has time to paint.”

“Yeah…” they agreed, nodding in agreement as they studied some of the necklaces. “But it’s not like you can just give her more time.”

“Can’t I?” Laura asked pointedly, raising her eyebrows. “Honestly, money isn’t the issue. She doesn’t need to have two jobs. She probably doesn’t need to work at all, right now. And she’s always talked about how having to work constantly gets in the way of other opportunities.”

LaFontaine narrowed their eyes at Laura. “So what’s your big plan? How are you going to give a girl an abstract concept? I hope you don’t expect me to help you build a time machine, because my quantum physics is little rusty. Biology isn’t exactly the same thing.”

“Well, shoot, LaFontaine,” she replied with a disappointed click of her tongue. “Now I’m gonna have to go with plan B.”

“And what exactly is plan B?”

Laura’s eyes lit up as they landed on something within the glass case in front of them. She didn’t know why she hadn’t thought of it before, it was _perfect._ “Help me pick out one of these and I promise I’ll tell you all about it, LaF.”

 

* * *

 

Laura had everything ready. There was a small chance that she was going a little overboard with this, but she also found that she didn’t care. This was their second Christmas together, so that had to carry some significance, right? Besides, it was about time a little good was sent Carmilla’s way. She deserved it. Laura was just happy she got to be the one to do something like this for her. She was grateful that she had the necessary means.

(Her dad would probably blow a fuse when he found out, but she’d cross that bridge when she got there.)

She was putting the last touches on her sock puppets when Carmilla came home from working at the bar, not quite slamming the door behind her.

“Carm, you’re home!” Laura greeted brightly. “How, uh… How was it?”

Carmilla met her cheery smile with a glare. not replying as she started peeling off her many layers. Apparently, it had been another rough night.

“So… Not great, I guess,” Laura cringed. These kind of nights were exactly why she was doing this. “Were the tips good, at least?”

“If I have to endure one more drunk asshole hitting on me all night I swear I’m going to blow my fucking brains out,” Carmilla muttered as she retreated to their bedroom, likely to change into something that didn’t smell like cigarette smoke. She returned a moment later in a pair of black sweats and one of Laura’s old Gryffindor t-shirts, throwing herself face-down onto their couch.

Laura set the sock puppet in her hands down and moved to the couch next to her. Carmilla rolled over to make room, draping her legs over Laura’s lap. “I’m sorry, baby. I know you hate that place.”

Carmilla released a huff and allowed Laura to shine through her gloomy raincloud. “It’s fine,” she grumbled. She didn’t sound fine. “It’s just…”

“Frustrating, I know,” Laura nodded. She took one of Carmilla’s stocking-clad feet and gently pressed her thumbs to the arch of it. “Buuuut, I have a surprise for you? It’s a story.”

“Cupcake, please,” she groaned, shaking her head. “Not tonight, I am so not in the mood.”

“Oh, come on,” pled Laura as she pulled away. “I’ve been working on this all day. It’s a Christmas story, you like Christmas!”

“You know that I don’t like Christmas. And Christmas isn’t until next weekend.”

“Yeah, well. I didn’t want to wait,” Laura reasoned. She retrieved a giant cardboard cut-out of a puppet theater. She had clearly made it herself, though LaFontaine and Perry had helped a little. “And you don’t even like Christmas, so why does it matter?”

Carmilla narrowed her eyes at Laura from where she was still slouched on the couch. “If I had known there would be this many stories, I would never have started dating a writer.”

“Shush, and just enjoy it, okay? I call it ‘Mircalla, the Countess of Le Fanu,’” Laura introduced before disappearing behind the cardboard theater, getting her puppets ready. “Long ago in a land called Le Fanu, there was a young countess named Mircalla.” She raised her Mircalla puppet following the introduction, making it bow graciously to Carmilla.

“Sock puppets, cupcake? Really?”

Laura poked her head over the edge of the ‘stage.’ “Do you want your Christmas present, or not?”

“I’ve never been more attracted to you.” She watched Carmilla try to hide her amused grin as she adjusted on the couch. She curled up on her side, watching intently. “Go on, I’m listening.”

 _“Thank you,”_ Laura told her before disappearing once again. She cleared her throat and continued, “Mircalla lived an enchanted life with her father and mother, dining on veal and attending lavish balls almost nightly. She had never known struggle in her life and wanted for nothing.

 _‘Lalala! Oh, how I love dancing! Oh, how I love balls!’”_ Laura raised her voice a few octaves to voice Mircalla, making her sound as young and naive as possible. Meanwhile, she made a show of making Mircalla dance across the stage, wanting to make sure Carmilla understood just how carefree Mircalla was. She thought she heard a stifled chuckle from the other side of the cardboard.

“One day, a devastatingly beautiful woman stopped to visit the Mircalla and her family on her travels. She was tall and dark, and young Mircalla was instantly intrigued. She’d never met a woman like this in her life.”

At the introduction of the mysterious dark woman, Laura raised one of the other puppets. This one had long black hair and a black dress, the lips red with what Laura hoped looked like lipstick. Crafts were not her strong suit.

 _“‘Oh, mysterious woman, I’ve never met anyone like you! When I get older I hope to be as wise and well-traveled as you are!’_ Mircalla told her, fawning over the woman.

 _‘Take heed, young Mircalla,’_ the woman warned.” As Laura spoke for the mysterious, well-travelled woman, her voice dropped to a lower register. She was going for sultry, but Laura was perhaps less of an actress than she was an artist. _“‘We all rush to grow up, but you might not be in such a hurry once you get there. Take your time, young Mircalla.’_

As days turned into weeks, Mircalla insisted on staying at the beautiful woman’s side at every ball, asking her questions about her travels and hanging on every word. Mircalla had never been beyond the forest that separated Le Fanu from the rest of the world, and she had never considered until then just what she had been missing.”

“Wait, how old is Mircalla? Has she got some kind of weird crush on this lady?” Carmilla interrupted.

“It’s not like that,” Laura insisted, mildly offended. “She’s like… The cool, rich aunt that visits you from California. And Mircalla is eighteen.”

“Uh huh, okay. Continue.”

“So, on one fateful night in the dead of winter, Mircalla met another young woman named Ell. They laughed and danced together, instantly becoming fast friends. In fact, Mircalla was certain that she had never met anyone as beautiful as Ell,” Laura continued, introducing Ell with a pretty, fair-haired puppet in a white dress. The Mircalla and Ell puppets danced and attached themselves to the other’s hip.

 _“‘Oh! Mircalla, I’ve never felt this way before,’_ Ell told her that night as they escaped to the gardens, breathless.” Laura’s voice for Ell was high again, similar to Mircalla’s. _“‘We may have only just met, but I feel that I’ve known you my whole life!’_

Mircalla embraced Ell under the moonlight. _‘And I feel the same! Tell me I’ll see you at the next ball.’_

And Ell agreed, promising that she and her father would be in attendance at the next ball in a week’s time.”

Laura cleared her throat again, peeking at Carmilla as she set the next scene. She was happy to see that there was an amused gleam in her girlfriend’s eye. Encouraged, she carried on.

“When the night of the next ball arrived, Ell and Mircalla quickly found each other once again.They were so clearly taken with one another, that Ell’s father—a stern and powerful general—immediately took notice.”

Another puppet was then introduced, this one of Ell’s father. He had a monocle and a long, dastardly mustache. Laura heard Carmilla snort from the other side of the cardboard. She puffed up her chest in preparation of putting on the general’s low, gruff voice. It probably sounded ridiculous coming from her.

 _“‘Who is this young countess after my daughter’s affections?’_ he asked himself, disapproving. _‘And who is that mysterious woman who watches over her? It is clear to me that there is something amiss.’_

“You see,” Laura explained, “Ell’s father is quite the traditional man, and recently arranged for his daughter to marry a young duke from another kingdom. He certainly did not approve of Mircalla and Ell’s swift infatuation.

“He observed them that night, and when they bid their goodbyes he vowed to take action. Before the night of the next ball, on Christmas Eve, Le Fanu’s beautiful visitor warned Mircalla that Ell’s father was not a man to be trifled with. Foolishly, Mircalla ignored her words, and Mircalla stole Ell away from the ballroom as soon as their eyes met. They fled to the castle gardens that night.” Laura paused a moment to place a plastic tree upon the ledge of the cardboard theater, to show that Ell and Mircalla had indeed relocated to the gardens.

“They frolicked among the flowers until they were accosted by none other than Ell’s father!” she announced dramatically, the mustachioed puppet returning once again. “He grabbed his daughter’s hand to pull her away and brandished a knife at Mircalla.”

“Jesus Christ, Laura,” Carmilla interjected again. Laura could hear the amusement in her voice. “What kind of Christmas story is this?”

“I write mystery novels, Carmilla, what did you expect?” Laura countered, peeking above the edge of the theater to narrow her eyes at her girlfriend. Carmilla had pulled herself to sit upright and she was smiling much wider than she had been earlier that night.

“Maybe something less violent. Possibly more reindeer.”

“And where would the fun in that be?”

“I hear reindeer are very fun.”

Laura stuck her tongue out at Carmilla before disappearing once again. “As I was saying, Ell’s father brandished his knife at Mircalla.

_‘Stay away from my daughter, you temptress! You shall not lead her away from me. If so, I will cut you down where you stand!’_

_‘Never!’_ Mircalla cried. _‘No physical pain could ever tear apart our eternal love!’”_

Laura juggled the puppets so she could bring the Ell puppet back again. “And in that moment, Ell escaped her father’s grip and rushed forward to Mircalla’s embrace. For she felt the same, choosing Mircalla over a life with an unknown suitor in a kingdom she had never known.

 _“‘You never cared for my happiness, father!’_ Ell told her father, begging him. _‘Instead you are eager to marry me off to the first suitor who can put gold in your pockets! But I cannot choose that life. I must stay with Mircalla!’_

“Her father, blind with rage, raised his knife again and plunged it into the Mircalla’s heart.” Just then, Laura managed to launch the mustachioed puppet at Mircalla, despite only having two hands for three puppets. “He whisked Ell away and left Mircalla for dead in the gardens in the dark of night.”

The puppets for Ell and her father disappeared, and they were soon replaced by the mysterious woman. Laura had her swoop in on Mircalla’s form, examining her. “The mysterious traveller found Mircalla before it was too late. She lifted Mircalla’s chin and exposed her neck, then opened her mouth to sink her fangs into Mircalla’s jugular. Before long, the effects of the mysterious woman’s bite took hold and Mircalla was brought back from the brink of death. But she had changed, and once she awakened, she could feel it immediately.

 _‘Mysterious woman, whatever have you done to me! I do not feel as myself,’_ she asked, desperate for answers.

 _‘You are a changed, young Mircalla, and you will no longer feel the constraints of time,’_ the woman explained. _‘Think of this as a gift, a second chance. You are free to go anywhere and do anything. You are a vampire!’”_

“A _vampire?”_ Carmilla asked, incredulous. “Laura, vampires are the villains. They’re supposed to be monsters!”

“Vampires don’t have to be anything!” Laura insisted, defensive. “No one is inherently evil. The important part is what you do with what you’re given. And Mircalla decided that she was going to seize her second chance on life. She traveled with the mysterious woman and did things she had never dared to dream of in her quaint and sheltered life. She found dreams that had never been within her reach. She even found Ell again.”

“And let me guess, they lived happily ever after?”

“Well, that remains to be seen,” Laura replied, coming out from behind the puppet theater. She still had the Mircalla sock puppet on her hand, and a long, rectangular box gripped in it like Mircalla was carrying it. “What’s important is that she got another chance. Many have hoped and dreamed for a second shot at their dreams, but only a few of us get it. And shouldn’t I want that for you? Isn’t now the perfect time for you to go out and chase down your dreams?” Laura stopped when she reached the couch, crawling onto it next to Carmilla. She took a deep breath. “So I’m giving you this. No more day jobs. You hate both of them, so don’t try to tell me that you don’t.”

Carmilla had indeed started to protest, but stopped when she caught the serious look in Laura’s eyes. She furrowed her brows and let her girlfriend finish.

Laura bit her lip, a little nervous. She still wasn’t sure how Carmilla was going to react. “Go to school, Carm. I know you’ve always thought you wouldn’t be able to to, but you can. Don’t worry about the cost, you find a school and I’ll pay for it. I promise.”

Carmilla shook her head, ready to refuse. “Laura, I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking me, I’m offering,” Laura reminded her. She held up the box still in the puppet’s grip and reached to open the lid. Inside lay a delicate watch with a black face and set on a silver chain. “Take your time.”

Laura watched as Carmilla’s eyes widened, first laying her eyes on the watch before turning up to meet Laura’s own gaze. Laura offered an encouraging smile and, instead of answering out loud, Carmilla leaned forward to bury herself in Laura’s arms. She thought she may have even felt tears against her neck, but when Carmilla pulled back again, there was barely a trace.

(She did catch Carmilla reaching up to wipe at her eyes, however.)

“Have I mentioned today how lucky I am to be in love with you?” Laura asked, setting her forehead against Carmilla’s.

“Maybe,” Carmilla grinned, her cheeks pink. “But don’t let that stop you from reminding me.”

Laura laughed and reached up to clutch at the nape of Carmilla’s neck, pulling forward to kiss her firmly.

“Hey, Laura,” she heard Carmilla murmur as they pulled apart. She opened her eyes to meet Carmilla’s, a grin on her lips. “Don’t write your next book about vampires.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> best christmas story ever, right? I thought so. come talk to me about laura's sock puppets over on [tumblr](http://operativelawsons.tumblr.com/)!


	7. The Torture Is Just Exquisite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a bit of a break before things start heading south again, so enjoy it. sorry about the wait on this one, guys! thanks again to my beta, [chiltongirlsdoitbetter](http://chiltongirlsdoitbetter.tumblr.com/), and to [kaitlynsgonnakait](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com/) for helping me make sure that my canadianisms were canadian enough.

_i found my guiding light, i tell the stars each night_

_look at me, look at him_

_son of bitch, i guess i’m doing something right_

_i finally got something right_

 

* * *

 

Carmilla dropped the last box on the bed that would be hers for the next few months and released a deep sigh. She wasn’t exactly sure how she felt about this, and her stomach felt like it was tied in knots. She was still excited, of course. This exchange program was a good move for her. They’d already decided that, otherwise she wouldn’t be standing here right now, in a pre-furnished room in the middle of Toronto in the dead of winter. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t a little bit nervous about it.

“Carm, is that the last of it?” she heard Laura call from the living room—if you could even call it a living room. Carmilla had lived in some small apartments before, and she was lucky enough to have snagged a room in such a good location, but this place was _tiny_. It would have been one thing if she had the place to herself, but, much to her displeasure, she was going to have to put up with a roommate. Laura was the only ”roommate” she'd had in years, and she was the only one she cared to keep, so spending an entire semester with someone who wasn't Laura wasn't exactly her idea of a good time.

But unfortunately, she couldn’t just take Laura with her. The publisher was finalizing Laura's book and getting ready to put it on the shelves and she couldn't exactly ask Laura to take an extended break right in the middle of that. She'd already been away long enough for their honeymoon, which had been wonderful but not nearly long enough.

She wasn't ready to be away from her wife for so long.

“Yeah, that’s it,” she called back to Laura, leaning back to try and catch view of her through the doorway. She was glad at least that Laura had been able to come with her to get set up. This would have been a lot harder to do on her own.

Carmilla found Laura in the tiny living room trying to change the lightbulb on one of the lamps, which apparently had burnt out. She laughed softly and retreated back to the living room to help out. She wasn’t that much taller than Laura, but the extra two inches still made a difference sometimes. With a small, smug grin, she lifted onto her toes and reached to twist the bulb out of it’s socket. “Careful there, sundance.”

“Hey, I had it,” Laura protested, scrunching her nose at Carmilla as she handed the fresh bulb over.

“Sure you did,” Carmilla laughed, reaching to replace the lightbulb. Her shirt pulled up, lifting to reveal a sliver of her stomach and she suddenly felt familiar hands on her skin.

“And here I was trying to be helpful,” Laura giggled, pulling close as Carmilla lowered herself again.

“What in the world am I going to do without you for an entire semester?” she sighed, a smile on her lips. She felt her chest tighten as the reality of her own words sank in. She bit her lip, trying to push past it. “And what the hell are you gonna do without me? Who will change the lightbulbs?”

Laura gave her a gentle smile and reached up to cup her cheek. “Hey, the next few months are gonna be over in no time. We’ll hardly feel it.”

Carmilla closed her eyes and leaned into Laura’s touch, her forehead meeting Laura’s as well.”I don’t believe you.”

She heard Laura release a sigh as she slinked her arms around Carmilla’s waist. “I know. I’m not sure I really believe it either,” she admitted. “But I’ll come to visit when I can, and it’s just a few months.”

“I don’t know why we thought that going cold turkey so soon after our honeymoon was a good idea,” Carmilla groaned, shifting as she sank further into Laura’s embrace. Maybe If she held on tight enough then she wouldn’t have to leave. She had until morning to find out.

“Well it was either that or wait until after this semester to get married,” Laura pointed out with a small chuckle. She laid her head to rest on Carmilla’s shoulder, who in turn set her cheek against the top of Laura’s crown.

“True, and waiting probably would have sucked just as much,” she agreed, arms firmly around Laura’s shoulders now. “Not to mention that we probably would have had to wait for everything to settle down after your book release.”

She scrunched her nose a little at the mere thought of having to wait that long. Somehow, they’d managed to find themselves in the middle of a veritable storm. Not a bad one, necessarily, but so much was happening at once. They'd only been married a few months and between Carmilla's exchange semester away and the impending release of Laura's debut novel, they had a lot on their plates already. Carmilla wasn't complaining, but she kind of wished they could put their life on pause for a little bit. She supposed that was what the honeymoon had been for.

“It’ll be good, don’t worry,” Laura promised. It wasn’t the first time she’d tried to assure Carmilla. “And when you get home, maybe we can take a break, you and me. We’ll have to see how things are going with the book and everything, but we can try to make it work.”

Carmilla gave a small laugh and shook her head. “This semester hasn’t even started yet and I’m counting the days until I get to come home.” It probably wasn’t the best way to kick things off.

Laura gave another soft giggle and pulled back so she could look up at Carmilla. She reached to hold Carmilla’s face in her hands. “Yeah, you and every other college student out there. Nobody looks forward to going back to school. Except maybe LaFontaine.”

“Don’t you think that says something about the state of modern education?” Carmilla pointed out, scrunching her nose at Laura.

“I think that you might have missed your calling as a philosophy major,” Laura replied and tilted her head up to kiss the tip of Carmilla’s nose.

Carmilla rolled her eyes and was ready to steal more than that meager kiss when the front door swung open. In strode a tall, leggy blonde in a pink shirt with the name “Betty” emblazoned across the chest. As soon as she laid eyes on the two of them, her eyes lit up.

“Oh my god, you must be Carmilla and Laura!” she practically squealed. Carmilla could feel her left eye twitching already. Laura had done most of the work in finding a roommate for Carmilla, since she was a little more people-friendly and had done this a few times herself already. At the time, she hadn’t really thought much of it, but now she was sort of wishing that she had taken the time to talk to the girl first. Or at least texted. She got the distinct feeling that Betty was the type of person who had a habit of overusing emojis and she would have most certainly vetoed that.

But it was too late now.

“And you must be Betty!” Laura beamed, reaching out to shake Betty’s hand. Just as she did, they both caught sight of a small, leathery head as it poked out of the corner of Betty’s handbag. Laura gave a small yelp and pulled her hand back as she and Carmilla both jumped in surprise. _“Oh my god!”_

“What is it?” Betty asked, blinking in confusion. She looked down at herself, realizing what had spooked them. She laughed and shook her head at them both before reaching into her bag to pull out the snake that had apparently been hanging out in her purse. “Oh, _that._ You said you were cool with pets, right? This is Wayne!”

She happily held Wayne out to greet the both of them while Laura moved to hide behind Carmilla, who had to admit that she was at least glad it wasn’t some kind of yappy rat of a dog. Though, she would have preferred a cat.

Carmilla cleared her throat. “Yes, we did say we were cool with pets. Hello, ah… _Wayne.”_

“He really is super friendly,” Betty assured them, pulling Wayne back to let him nuzzle her chin. Carmilla felt Laura shudder slightly behind her. “And don’t worry, he’ll mostly hang out in my room. Let me guess, you’re Carmilla?”

“Guilty,” Carmilla nodded with  pressed smile. She was still eyeing the snake warily. “Sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk before.”

“Oh no, you’re fine!” Betty promised as she hung her coat at the door and moved further into the apartment. Now that Wayne was fully out of her purse and wrapping himself around Betty’s arm, she dropped the bag off at the kitchen counter. “Laura’s told me all about you, I’m sure we’ll get along _just_ fine.”

Carmilla gave Laura a questioning look, but she was still too busy ensuring there was a large amount of space—as well as Carmilla’s entire person—between her and the snake. “Well, whatever she’s told you, you should know that she’s been known to embellish.”

“Oh come on, I’m not that bad,” Laura argued, mildly offended.

“Cupcake, you tell stories for a living,” Carmilla pointed out, raising a single eyebrow at her wife. “That’s literally what they pay you for.”

“Oh, well if the story about you with the tequila and your close call with cops isn’t true, then I’m not sure we can be roommates.”

“Oh my god, Laura you told her that story?” Carmilla asked, whirling on Laura.

“It’s a good story! And it was relevant to the conversation, I swear!”

“I almost got arrested for indecent exposure, how could that possibly be relevant?” she groaned, giving Laura a pained look. “The only reason you even know that story is because my brother told you, you weren’t even there.”

“It _was_ a pretty great story,” Betty chimed in, smirking. “And if it makes you feel better, I’ve had my own drunken encounters with cops. This is gonna be great!”

Carmilla shot Laura a glare, who gave her an apologetic shrug. Laura was much better at making friends than she was, but sometimes that involved sharing more information than Carmilla would have chosen to reveal of her own volition. “Great.”

Laura gave Carmilla a nudge and she could practically hear Laura scolding her. _Be more friendly._

Carmilla barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She was going to be spending an entire semester with this woman, after all.

“So you guys are married, right?” Betty asked, ducking to look at the both of them under the kitchen cabinets.

“Yeah, since this last fall,” Carmilla replied, trying to make an effort. She forced a smile, even though she really just wanted to go get dinner with Laura and share one last night with her before morning.

“That’s amazing. You know, when Laura was talking to me about how you guys are lesbians and all, I didn’t expect you both to be so pretty. I hope you know it’s totally not a problem, by the way. I love lesbians!”

Carmilla stiffened, struggling to keep the smile on her face. _“Thanks.”_

Laura cleared her throat and jumped in to rescue Carmilla. She knew a red flag when she saw one, and if there was a sure-fire to earn a rant from Carmilla, it was to mention lesbian stereotypes. “Yeah, we’re very happy,” she replied enthusiastically, steering the conversation back to the wedding. She squeezed Carmilla’s hand. “It was very lovely. But actually, I uh… I think we were about to get dinner, right Carmilla?”

“Right! We were,” Carmilla agreed eagerly, grateful for the out. She was willing to try and give Betty the benefit of the doubt, but she still would rather spend as much of tonight alone with Laura as she could. “We still haven’t eaten.”

“Oh, groovy,” Betty nodded, seemingly oblivious to Carmilla’s discomfort. She wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or not. “So you’re all settled in, then? You’ve got a key?”

“Yeah, the landlord gave it to us when he let us in,” Laura explained as she grabbed her purse from the end table in the living room. “So we’ll see you again later?”

“Yeah! I have work tonight, but you’ll probably see me again before I have to take off,” Betty replied. “So I’ll catch you both later!”

Carmilla double checked all of her still-unpacked belongings in her room before closing the door, her own bag over her shoulder. She gave Betty a tight smile as she pulled on her coat to brave the cold. “Sure thing.”

“It was good meeting you, Betty!” Laura beamed at Betty, her smile faltering only slightly when she caught sight of the snake that was currently curled around Betty’s wrist.

Carmilla rolled her eyes and pulled the both of them through the front door, releasing a breath in relief.

“See? That wasn’t so bad,” Laura told her, still as optimistic as ever. “She seems nice.”

“Seriously?” Carmilla replied dryly, looking completely unenthused about the entire situation.

“Well, I mean. Aside from the snake, she seems like she’ll make a good roommate!”

“Is the snake really all you’re concerned about?” Carmilla scoffed as they approached the entryway of the small building that was to be her home for the next few months. She reached to open the door for Laura. “The snake was cool. At least he didn’t make offensive comments about my choice of lifestyle.”

_“Gross.”_ Laura wrinkled her nose, clearly happy to have some distance between herself and Wayne. “It wasn’t that bad, seriously. I think you’re just being sensitive because you don’t want to like her.”

“Whatever.” She wasn’t going to admit to anything. “What does she do that she goes to work so late, anyway?”

Laura grinned and hooked her arm through the crook of Carmilla’s elbow. “She’s a bartender. See? Not so bad.”

 

* * *

 

“Betty is _not a bartender.”_

It had been several weeks since Laura had left Carmilla alone to fend for herself in Toronto and she could feel herself growing as bitter and cold as the winter outside with each passing day. The only bright spot were the days she got a chance to Skype with Laura. Sometimes they were able to make it happen more often than others, but this was the first time they’d been able to make time for more than just a quick phone call this particular week. Carmilla’s chest had tightened with longing as soon as Laura’s smiling face had filled her computer screen.

“What do you mean?” Laura asked, tilting her head in confusion. “When we had talked, she said she was a bartender at a local club.”

“Did she also tell you that it’s a _strip club?”_

“She may have mentioned something about a gentlemen’s club,” she replied, making a face. If it wasn’t so fucking cute, Carmilla might have been more annoyed. She always did this when she knew she was caught. “But I didn’t think that was relevant! Honestly, Carmilla, it shouldn’t be an issue where the girl works as long as it’s her choice. Sex workers are people too, you know. And she’s just the bartender.”

Carmilla released a long-suffering sigh and shook her head. She had to admit that she wasn’t surprised in the slightest by Laura’s cavalier attitude toward this news. Which, apparently, wasn’t even news. “You could have given me a heads up, you know. I almost spat my coffee on her this morning at breakfast.”

“You actually woke up before noon?” Laura teased, laughing.

“Class,” Carmilla explained with a groan, her lip curling in displeasure. It was the only available time for advanced life drawing and she always felt like murdering her classmates when she strolled in, regardless of how much coffee she’d been able to consume. Luckily, they only met twice a week.

“And how’s that going?”

Carmilla gave a noncommittal shrug. Truthfully, she couldn’t tell how she felt about this class. There were days that she felt like she was on fire and that she’d never drawn better, but more often than not she simply couldn’t gain traction. She struggled to turn it on right when she walked into class, so to speak. “It’s fine. I think one of my classmates might have a crush on me.”

Laura laughed, raising her eyebrows. “Well I can’t say I blame her, you’re pretty hot.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes but couldn’t stop the grin from appearing on her lips. “Yeah, well. It’s a little concerning how unfazed she seems to be by the giant rock on my left hand.”

“We can get you a bigger one, if you want.” Laura knew that she felt the one she had was almost too big as it was.

“I really think it’ll be okay,” she assured Laura, laughing as she shook her head. “I’ll just make sure to rub it in her face when you come to visit.”

“Yeah, about that…”

Carmilla furrowed her brows, her heart sinking. “What is it? I thought you were going to try and come up this month.”

Laura gave her an apologetic look, which somehow looked like a spot-on impression of  a kicked puppy. Carmilla hated that look. “It’s just that the publisher really needs my attention since the book is almost ready. I’m so sorry, baby. I’ll try to come visit you as soon as I can.”

It felt like her heart was going to fall out the bottom of her stomach. She’d been looking forward to Laura’s visit since the morning she left to go back home. It had been what pushed her through most days, just knowing that each one was a day closer to seeing her wife again. This _sucked._

“No, it’s okay,” Carmilla promised, nodding. She tried not to show how disappointed she was. “I know things must be hectic right now, I’m sorry I can be there to help out more.”

“Are you kidding?” came Laura’s reply, though it was not unkind. “Carm, I’m just happy that you’re getting this exchange opportunity. You’re doing great things up there, I know it. You don’t have to apologize to me for anything. _I’m_ sorry I can’t be there as soon as we thought.”

Carmilla tried to smile. It sucked that Laura wasn’t going to visit yet, but it still felt good to have her support. “I just hate this distance thing.”

“I know, me too. I’ll be there soon, though. I promise.”

“I’m holding you to that, Hollis.” She tried to sound more optimistic than she felt. She knew it was going to be hard to lay her claim on Laura’s time when they were so close to the book release. She couldn’t really blame Laura, but all she wanted was to fly home to New York and curl up next to her wife.

Laura was quiet for a moment, probably trying to find a way to cheer her up. “So tell me more about this classmate. I need to know who my competition is so I can fight for your honor.”

“Cupcake, you couldn’t fight a dandelion.”

“You know that I know krav maga! And I don’t want to fight a dandelion, I want to fight this girl. What’s her name?”

Carmilla laughed, her smile finding it’s way back. “Her name is Elsie and she’s kind of annoying.”

“I’m gonna fight her.”

“Sure thing, cupcake.”

 

* * *

 

Carmilla wasn’t exactly sure how she’d wound up here. One minute she was packing up to get ready to go home after class, and the next _Elsie_ of all people was dragging her into a Canadian bookstore called Indigo.

“I can’t believe you’ve never heard of Indigo,” Elsie complained as she led the way inside. “Isn’t your girlfriend or whatever a writer?”

“Uh,” Carmilla sputtered as she followed. She immediately regretted allowing herself to be dragged into this store, though. As far as she could tell, it was just the Canadian version of Barnes & Noble. There was even a coffee shop in the corner. “My _wife_ is a published author, yes. But we don’t have these in America.”

“Seriously? What do you have instead?”

“Barnes and Noble is pretty common,” she explained, heading toward the music racks. She idly shuffled through a few of the CDs. “Or, you know. Local book shops not run by faceless corporations.”

“And here I thought all you Americans were capitalists at heart,” Elsie teased, waggling her eyebrows. Carmilla wasn’t sure how someone could turn a statement like that into flirting, but this girl was certainly trying

“Yeah, well. There are a few of us left who still have our souls intact,” Carmilla drawled and pulled away from the CDs. If she was going to purchase music, she’d rather do it from a record shop. She wandered towards the books when one of the displays caught her eye. “Oh my god, is that...?”

She rushed forward and snatched one of the freshly-printed hard covers from the display, staring at it in wonder. Quite a few of the copies were missing from the shelf and a big sign with the words _‘New and Recommended’_ hung above. Across the front of the jacket was gold embossed lettering, slightly raised in texture: _In the Heart of Light, by Laura Hollis._

It was gorgeous.

Carmilla flipped open to the inside sleeve in the back, her heart leaping into her throat as her eyes fell on the black and white portrait of her wife. She bit her lip, hardly able to contain her excitement.

She didn’t even notice as Elsie approached. “I suppose you don’t even have to buy it.”

No, she didn’t have to buy it. In fact, Laura probably had a copy in the mail for her now. She didn’t feel like giving Elsie the satisfaction, however.

She snapped the book shut and looked up to meet Elsie’s stink-eye with a proud smile. She lifted her chin and tucked the book under her arm, turning toward the checkout. “Were you going to get anything?”

Elsie blinked in surprise, taken aback. “Not particularly, I was just going to browse.”

“Well, I should probably get back home. We’ve got that showcase to work on, and all,” she replied breezily. She was a little too amused by Elsie’s disgruntled reaction.

“Are you really gonna buy that?”

“Maybe I’ll let you borrow it when I’m done,” Carmilla smirked, setting the book down at the checkout counter. “I’ll see you in class!”

So maybe that wasn’t entirely necessary, but hell if it didn’t feel good.

 

* * *

 

“Hey buttercup, have you seen the author of this new book I’m reading? The picture on the inside sleeve is pretty sexy.” Carmilla grinned as she cradled her phone against her cheek, lounging on her bed and staring down at the open book next to her. She probably should have been getting some work done, but she couldn’t wait to tell Laura all about her trip to Indigo.

_“Did you seriously find a copy already?”_ came Laura’s astonished reply on the other end and she had to laugh a little about how excitable she was. Laura was probably on cloud nine right now, and rightfully so. The reviews had started trickling in and, from what Carmilla could tell, there was plenty to be happy about.

“Yeah, but they were almost all gone. I got one of the last copies on the shelf,” Carmilla replied, flipping through the pages. She’d read several of Laura’s drafts before, but this would be the first time she got a chance to read the finished product.

_“You bought one?”_ Laura asked, surprised. _“You didn’t have to do that! I was going to send you one, you know.”_

“I know, but I wanted to buy it,” insisted Carmilla. She gave a small laugh. “No, actually this is a funny story. You’re gonna laugh. I was with Elsie, right?”

_“The crush girl? Why were you with Elsie?”_

“Long story short, I got conned into going to a bookstore with her. I don’t think she knew your book had released yet, nor did she realize how much I detest chain bookstores.”

_“Don’t tell me she actually got you to go into a Barnes and Noble.”_

“It was called Indigo, actually,” Carmilla laughed. “And it was basically the same thing. I had to take a shower when I got home.”

She was rewarded with the familiar sound of Laura’s laugh. God, she’d missed that. _“You’re ridiculous. What happened? How did you find the book?”_

“It was on display,” she boasted, grinning. She didn’t like chain bookstores, but maybe Indigo wasn’t as bad. They were promoting Laura’s book pretty well, after all. “There was a sign and everything. Indigo recommends your book.”

_“Shut up.”_ Laura’s excitement was infectious. Carmilla was pretty sure she hadn’t grinned this much in weeks. _“That’s amazing! I didn’t know it was going to get promoted in Canada too, this is crazy.”_

“Believe it, cupcake. You’re hot shit. You should have seen Elsie’s face when she saw what I was looking at. She got all quiet and got this pinched look on her face. She was like _‘Well, I guess you don’t have to buy it.’”_ Carmilla raised her voice a little and whined as she imitated Elsie. It wasn’t a flattering impression.

_“Oh jeez, she’s really got it bad for you, doesn’t she?”_ Laura laughed. _“What have you done to this girl?”_

“Hey, it’s not my fault she chose to have a crush on a married woman,” she objected. “I did nothing.”

_“Mmhmm,”_ came Laura’s reply. She didn’t sound like she believed Carmilla in the slightest. _“And what did you say?”_

“I told her that I’d let her borrow it when I was done reading.”

Laura snorted. _“Oh, ouch. I take it back, I don’t want to fight this girl anymore. I think I should probably send her my condolences.”_

“She’ll be alright,” Carmilla smirked. “She’s the one who dragged me into that place to start with. I can’t be held accountable for anything I do in that god-forsaken place. Besides, she was getting on my nerves.”

_“Are you going to introduce me to her when I come up for your showcase?”_

“Of course I am,” she replied, like it was obvious. “I expect you to look appropriately gorgeous.”

_“I’ll see what I can do,”_ came Laura’s amused response.

Carmilla sighed deeply, falling back on her bed, head against her pillow. “Is it time for you to get your butt up here yet?”

_“Almost. We still have a week and a half. The wait is killing me.”_

“Yeah, tell me about it,” she groaned. Since arriving in Toronto, Laura had only been able to make the trip up to visit twice, and it had already been more than a month since they’d seen each other. All this time away was agony, and she felt like she was missing so much. “Can we just… Fast forward to next week?”

_“I don’t think it works that way,”_ Laura chided sympathetically. _“But I’ll be there soon, baby. I can’t wait to see you.”_

“I can’t wait to see you either.”

_“Hey, I’ve got to let you go. I’m supposed to meet some big shots with Danny, or whatever. So I’ve got to go get ready for that.”_

“Jesus, they really like you these days, don’t they?” Carmilla replied, a little disappointed that she had to say goodbye so fast. “I can’t say I envy you.”

_“You would hate it,”_ Laura laughed. _“But they want to congratulate me, I guess. Danny says it’s good for networking.”_

“Well if _Danny_ says so.”

_“Hey, I’ll talk to you soon, okay? I love you.”_

Carmilla sighed. “I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

This semester had been by far the worst four months of school Carmilla had ever had to endure. The exchange program required her to take on a far bigger load than she really would have chosen on her own, and she liked the distance it put between herself and Laura even less. She might have enjoyed her time a little more if Laura had been able to come with her, but it just hadn't been doable. As it was, she was glad to almost have it over with.

Her finals had all been taken and now all that was left was the semester’s end showcase. Each of the senior students had to take part, and Carmilla was honestly a little nervous. She’d had gallery showings before, but it had all been small-time. Ontario College of Art and Design was a prestigious school, and the fact that she was showing her work here was a pretty big deal.

(Probably not anything as huge as what Laura had been doing over the course of the last semester, but that was neither here nor there.)

Laura was meant to fly in that afternoon and Carmilla could hardly stand still. She couldn’t focus on anything either, so she had resorted to pacing around the apartment until it was time to go pick Laura up. She even tried to play with Wayne a little, but had been forced to give up when it was clear that the snake just wanted to take a nap.

Once she was finally waiting at the airport, she tried to keep still. Even as someone who preferred to spend the majority of her time laying down, the mere idea of being next to Laura again put a fire under her. What was worse, everything reminded her of Laura. For the past few weeks, Laura had popped up everywhere she went. She found Laura’s face in every crowd and her name in every passage she read. Even just that morning, when she’d stopped for coffee, she had caught herself seeking out Laura’s order before finding her own. And not only that, but Laura’s book was now proudly displayed at every book stand from here to Siberia.

Like the one right in front of her.

She blinked for a second before realizing she really had been staring at the front cover of Laura’s book in the middle of the airport and she hadn’t imagined it.

“That’s a really good one.”

Carmilla raised her eyes to meet the helpful smile of the attendant in front of her.

“You’ve read it?” she asked, raising an inquisitive eyebrow.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe how it ends, either. I was on the edge of my seat for the entire last half of the book.” The girl was so sincere and earnest and completely clueless. That reminded her of Laura, too.

Carmilla returned the girl’s smile and pointed out one of the stuffed animals that lined the shelf behind her. “Can I get one of those?”

“Picking up someone special today?” the clerk asked as she rang Carmilla up for a pack of gum and the stuffed toy.

“Something like that,” Carmilla replied with a knowing smirk. She swiped her card and thanked the girl.

Once she was near security, she pulled out her phone again so she could check the time, chewing on her lip. Laura’s flight should be landing at any time now. All this waiting was going to kill her—maybe even literally. Laura was going to find her dead on the floor in the middle of the airport because the wait was too much to bear.

Just as that thought crossed her mind, her phone lit up and started ringing. Laura’s picture displayed on her phone and that was all it took give her heart palpitations.

“Cupcake, you’re killing me. Please tell me you’ve touched down.”

Carmilla heard Laura’s laugh on the other end and the sound sent a thrill up her spine. _“I just got off the plane. Are you here already? Where are you?”_

“By baggage claim, so hurry your ass up.”

_“You know, if you keep up that attitude, I might just get back on this plane and go home.”_

Carmilla groaned and craned her neck to look up at the escalator that Laura would be coming down. “Don’t even joke about that. I brought you a present and everything.”

_“Oh, well in that case.”_

“Just get down here, won’t you?”

_“Hurrying! I’ll see you soon, Carm.”_

Carmilla agreed and took a deep breath, her eyes glued to the top of the escalator. It only took a few more minutes, but each second was agony until she finally saw Laura’s familiar figure and light brown hair appear at the top of the landing. Her heart skipped a beat and the air rushed out of her body. Before she knew it, her feet were taking her forward just as she watched Laura dodge around other passengers to get down to her. They met somewhere in the middle and Carmilla almost dropped the present in her hands as she threw her arms around her wife,  their lips meeting in the first kiss they’d shared in weeks.

After a few moments of blissful oblivion, Carmilla realized that she heard clapping. She and Laura parted to find that the modest crowd around them had broken into a small round of applause. It was just like the movies and it was just as completely ridiculous.

“Oh god,” Carmilla laughed, shaking her head. As silly as it made her feel, she also couldn’t stop grinning.

And Laura was positively _beaming._ She didn’t look embarrassed in the slightest, either. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she replied, not letting go just yet. She stole one more kiss and took a deep breath as she pulled back.

“You didn’t miss me or anything, did you?” Laura asked as their audience slowly went back to minding their own business.

“Shut up,” she laughed, finally releasing her wife so that they could move. It was only then that she remembered again that she had brought a gift. “Oh, hey. This is for you.”

Laura took the gift bag from her as she held it out, throwing her a questioning look. “What is it?”

“Why don’t you open it?”

Laura rolled her eyes and passed a few of her things to Carmilla so that she could actually use her hands. Laura was one of those people who had to bring a blanket and a book and several other amenities just to make it through a flight, even one that only took an hour and a half like the trip from  New York to Toronto. Laura reached into the gift bag to find a new coffee mug with a small, stuffed puppy nestled inside it. It was a black mug that had the words _‘I solemnly swear I am up to no good’_ emblazoned across the side. “Oh my god, Carmilla!”

“When you fill it with something hot it changes color and the words switch to _‘mischief managed.’”_ Carmilla explained. She really hoped that Laura liked it even though objectively she knew that Laura would _love_ it.

“You’re kidding! Where did you find this?” Laura squeaked, pulling the stuffed puppy out of the mug and hugging it to her chest.

Carmilla grinned. She had been right. “I went back to that Indigo to see if your display was still up. I was going to send you a picture, but they’d sold out and taken the display down by the time I got there. I found this instead and I’ve been waiting since then to give it to you,” she explained as. “I thought you could use another nerd mug. You like it?”

“Are you kidding? I love it, Carm,” Laura gushed. She beamed at Carmilla and held the stuffed labrador puppy close to her cheek, snuggling it. “I might like it more than my TARDIS mug. Did it come with the puppy?”

“That was a last-minute addition,” Carmilla replied, rolling her eyes a little. “It’s dumb, I know, but it reminded me of you.”

“It’s perfect,” Laura insisted.

There was a moment where they both stared at each other, grinning like idiots, before Laura let out one more happy squeal and threw her free arm around Carmilla. Her own arms were full now, so she couldn’t do anything but happily receive one more kiss from her wife.

“I missed you so much, Laura.”

“I missed you, too,” Laura hummed. She set her forehead against Carmilla’s and took a deep breath. “And this time I’m taking you home with me.”

Carmilla grinned. “Deal. Come on, I’ll take you back. We don’t have anywhere we need to be until tomorrow night and I have a few _plans_ in the meantime.”

Laura’s eyes lit up and she scrunched her nose before stealing one last kiss and pulling away. “You can tell me all about it on the way.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come talk to me!](http://operativelawsons.tumblr.com/)


	8. For A Million Summers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the long wait on this update, guys! but it's worth it because this is the chapter where we reach MAXIMUM VELOCITY and it's also basically two chapters in one. this is where carmilla and laura meet up in the middle, so we'll actually be switching off perspectives and the scenes to not follow chronological order, so just a heads up! and as always, thanks to my lovely beta [chiltongirlsdoitbetter](http://chiltongirlsdoitbetter.tumblr.com/) and to [kaitlynsgonnakait](http://kaitlynsgonnakait.tumblr.com/) for advising me on wedding stuff.

_there so many dreams i need to see with you_

_there are so many years i need to be with you_

_i will never be complete_

_i will never be alive_

_i will never change the world_

_until i do_

* * *

In Laura’s defense, it was totally LaFontaine who put the idea in her head. At least, LaF was the first to actually put it in words. And, granted, LaFontaine never actually uttered the words “proposal," but still. She hadn’t brought it up first. That was all on LaFontaine.

(Maybe it was too early.)

(Maybe there really was no such thing as too early.)

It was Sunday. Carmilla didn't have class and Laura had just sent a draft back to Danny for notes. For all intents and purposes, they both had the day off. They'd been busy, lately, so this was nice. Laura had even managed to convince Carmilla to go to the park with her.

They sat there, now, on a bench next to the lake in Central Park. It was rare that Laura would let Carmilla drag her to Central Park (“too many tourists”) but sometimes she was able to charm her into it. They sat in silence, hand in hand. They had found a fairly remote corner and Laura could tell by the wistful smile on her lips that Carmilla was enjoying herself. No matter how often she tried to pass herself off as cold and aloof, Laura could always see past her cool facade. It was only one of many reasons why she wanted to spend the rest of her life with this girl.

It wasn’t the first time this thought had struck her, but it was happening more often, as of late. She thought about it at breakfast most mornings, when they sat across the table from each other and ate cold cereal, and she often thought about it when they kissed each other goodbye for the day. She thought about it every time she caught sight of the dedication in her manuscript and she thought about it again each night when they stood in front of the bathroom mirror and brushed their teeth together. Her days were filled with small moments that reminded her of every reason she had to keep Carmilla in her life.

“Cupcake.”

Laura blinked, suddenly alert again. She must have spaced out. “Mm?”

“You’re staring,” Carmilla told her, giving her a sidelong glance, amused. “Got something on your mind?”

“No.” _Yes._ “I mean. Well, yes.”

“You planning on sharing or are you just going to keep staring at me with that goofy smile?” she grinned, turning to look Laura in the eye. “It’s not very nice to keep your girlfriend in the dark, you know.”

Laura laughed and shook her head, her heart fluttering. It was nuts, thinking about this. She didn’t even know how to bring it up with Carmilla, let alone actually pop the question. Maybe this whole thing was a stupid idea. “Sorry, I guess I’m just thinking.”

Carmilla shifted to sit sideways, pulling one leg up onto the bench, facing Laura. “Well, don’t let it all out at once.”

Laura bit her lip, shifting to sit sideways as well, mirroring Carmilla. Her hand was still in Carmilla’s and Laura occupied herself by running her thumb over each of Carmilla’s knuckles while she considered her next words.

“I want you to spend the next ten minutes of your life with me.”

Carmilla raised her eyebrows curiously, tilting her head slightly. “Just ten minutes?”

“Yeah, we can handle that right?”

“I should hope so, cutie. We live together.”

Laura broke into a smile, giggling gently. Maybe it was the nerves, but she was feeling a little giddy. “Okay,” she agreed, playing with Carmilla’s fingers. “And… After that, will you spend another ten minutes with me?”

“Laura, where are you going with this?” Carmilla asked, furrowing her brows, unsure.

“Just… Go with it, okay? We could do anything in ten minutes. Or twenty minutes, or forty minutes,” Laura continued. Her smile grew and she pulled Carmilla’s hand closer to her chest. “And if we make it that far, maybe I’ll ask you for another ten.”

Carmilla watched Laura silently, carefully observing Laura’s movements. She could clearly tell that Laura had an agenda, but just hadn’t quite figured out what that was, yet.

Laura bent to press a kiss to Carmilla’s knuckles, lingering. “I could ask you for ten more minutes of your life for as long as you let me. For nights and weeks and a million summers until… Until there’s no one left who has ever known us apart from each other. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone but you, Carmilla.”

Carmilla’s lips parted and her mouth hung open in a small ‘oh’ and Laura swore she could audibly hear someone’s heart beating. She just wasn’t sure if it was Carmilla’s or her own.

“Laura, what are you asking me?”

The beat in her ears skipped a count or two and Laura realized it was her own pulse she was hearing. She tried a crooked smile. “What do you think I’m asking you?”

Carmilla fell silent and furrowed her brows again, though she did not pull her hand away. Still, it wasn’t quite the reaction Laura had hoped for and a sick sense of panic pooled at the bottom of her stomach. If she had managed to screw this up _now,_ she wasn’t sure how they’d come back from that.

Carmilla finally replied with, “I don't know how to give you a typical perfect life. I just don’t know how to do the picket fence thing in the suburbs with a dog and kids.” Her brows were still furrowed, but she still hung on to Laura’s hand. She took a deep breath, staring out onto the water in front of them. “And I don’t think I ever pictured myself _here,_ either.”

“Carmilla…”

“I never thought I would want it,” she continued before Laura could say anything. “I could easily say no. Laura, this is big and it’s scary and we… We’ve been together for two years, but are we ready for something like that?”

It felt like a vice had wrapped around Laura’s heart. “Is anyone ever ready?”

Carmilla turned to face Laura again, their eyes connecting. In the years since they had begun dating, it was far from the first time they’d gotten lost in each other’s eyes, and Laura hoped it was even further from the last.

Laura watched Carmilla carefully and she felt a squeeze on her hand. “It would be easy to run, wouldn’t it? I don’t think I want easy,” Carmilla continued. A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she searched Laura’s eyes. “I want this, whatever the hell this is, for the rest of my life. If you really think we can do this. If you want this with me.”

“Baby, are you kidding?” Laura asked, incredulous. She pulled her knees up onto the bench so she was kneeling in front of Carmilla, hardly able to contain herself. A second ago she was terrified that this was it, that she’d just ruined everything by bringing this up too early. It wasn’t something they’d ever really discussed before. She reached to touch her free hand to Carmilla’s cheek, still gripping onto her hand for dear life. “Of course I want this with you. In whatever way I can have you, I want it for as long as I’m alive. _I love you.”_

She leaned forward to catch Carmilla’s lips in a kiss that she returned eagerly. Carmilla usually shied away from public displays of affection, but she wasn’t pulling away now. The kiss was sweet, but intense in a way that Laura had never really felt before and she only pulled away when she couldn’t stop herself from smiling too widely.

“So… Is that a yes?”

Carmilla laughed and tilted her chin up to catch another quick kiss. “Technically, I don’t think you’ve officially asked me anything. Unless you’ve got a ring you haven’t whipped out yet.”

“Hmm, you have a point,” Laura agreed, settling back on her heels. She reached up to tap her chin, thinking. She bit her lip as a thought came to her. She knew exactly what ring she’d like to give Carmilla, but there was something in her way. Still, she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t at least try. “So, hold that thought. Save your official answer for me.”

“I’ll keep it safe for you on the tip of my tongue, cupcake.”

* * *

Once Laura knew what the answer would be, she knew she would need to formulate a plan to _actually_ propose. There was, however, one small matter to attend to.

“Dad,” Laura started, gently clearing her throat. It was Wednesday, and that meant Carmilla had class and she was left to her own devices. Normally she’d be working, but she was still waiting to get the latest draft back from Danny. As luck would have it, her dad happened to have that morning off before he had to head down to the police station for work, so she had made the trip to Long Island to have a late breakfast with him.

“Yes, Laura?” he answered, raising his eyebrows at her over his newspaper. “Did you want more eggs?”

“No,” she replied immediately, furrowing her brows. She glanced at the eggs her father was offering and changed her mind. “Well—yes, okay. But that’s not what I was going to say.”

“Then what were you going to say?” her father asked as he handed her the eggs, amused.

She took the plate from him with a sheepish "thanks" and started spooning more scrambled eggs onto her plate. She took her time, arranging her eggs just right so that they wouldn’t touch anything else. She bit her bottom lip, concentrating so that maybe she wouldn’t lose her nerve.

“Laura?” her dad asked again, a note of concern in his voice.

“Um. Hypothetically speaking,” she started again, taking a deep breath. She avoided his eyes, instead reaching for the cup of coffee in front of her. It was almost empty. “And… Just out of curiosity, I guess. Do you still have mom’s ring?”

Her voice gave out a little at the tail end of her sentence and she finally lifted her eyes to meet her father’s.

“... Yes, of course I do,” he replied carefully. His brows furrowed and the wrinkle that formed between them was strikingly similar to one that often appeared on her own face when she was concentrating. “This doesn't seem like a hypothetical question.”

"Okay, maybe it's not all _that_ hypothetical."

"Then what is it?"

She took another deep breath, choosing her words carefully. “Dad, Carmilla and I have been dating for almost two years. This can’t be coming as that much of a shock.”

Her dad let loose a deep huff of a sigh and closed his eyes, reaching up to run a hand over his face. “Have you already asked her?”

“Not _officially,”_ Laura explained, turning back to her plate. She pushed the eggs she’d just dished for herself around her plate, mixing them with the syrup from her pancakes. She now regretted asking for more. “I wanted to ask you about mom’s ring, first.”

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry, what?” she asked, taken aback.

“Don’t ask her, Laura,” he continued. It sounded so final, like he could forbid her. “And for god’s sake, don’t put your mother’s ring on that girl.”

Laura's jaw dropped and her fork clanged as it fell onto her plate. “Dad, you can’t be serious. I know you and Carmilla have never seen eye-to-eye, but–”

“This isn’t about me, Laura,” he interrupted. He breathed another sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose before looking back to Laura again. “Laura, you know that all I want is for you to be happy. I know that you think you and Carmilla are going to live happily ever after, but do you really think now is a good time? You’re about to publish a book, don’t you think you should be focusing on that?”

“I fail to recognize what my book has to do with any of this,” Laura argued. She couldn’t believe this. She knew her father might not be _thrilled,_ yes, but this… She hadn’t come here for a fight. “If anything, my book is just a testament to what Carmilla means to me. There is so much of her in that book. I never would have even gotten to this point if it weren’t for her.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, kiddo.” It was such a backhanded comment. “That girl has been riding your coattails from day one.”

“I’m not _selling myself short,”_ she replied through gritted teeth. She stood up, her chest thrust out and her hands balled into fists. It might have been funny if there wasn’t such a tempest inside her. “I _love_ Carmilla. She means everything to me, and absolutely nothing would make me happier than embarking on this next chapter of my life with her at my side. I didn’t come here for your permission.”

Her dad stood up as well, his jaw set. He took the plate in front of him off the table and moved to take it to the sink. He took a moment to rinse it off before setting it down to wash later. He didn’t turn around when he started speaking again. “Then what did you come here for? I know you’re more than capable of making your own breakfast.”

“Dad...”

“I mean it, Laura. If you’re here for your mother’s ring, you can’t have it.” He turned around and leaned back against the counter, his arms folded over his chest. “I won’t allow you to put her ring on that lazy–”

_“Dad!”_

“Don’t tell me it isn’t true, Laura,” he pleaded, shaking his head. “How many times do you call me to tell me about how you wish she was doing more? You worry about keeping on top of rent and in the same breath tell me about how she seems to hate school, how ungrateful she seems. School that you paid for, remember?”

“Are you trying to tell me that you and mom never fought?” Laura countered, crossing her arms, mirroring his stance. Everyone always told her that she looked like her mother, but she had always taken after her dad in mannerisms. She was his mimic. “Because we both know that isn’t true. I’m well-aware of the work that a marriage can take, I’m not as naive as you seem to think I am. But that’s not what this is really about, is it?”

Her dad didn’t respond, instead narrowing his eyes at her in apprehension.

“It was never going to matter to you what girl I ended up with,” she continued, shaking her head at him. She moved around her chair to push it back in against the table. “She was never going to be good enough because she’s not a man. How is she ever going to be able to protect me, right Dad?”

“That’s not fair, Laura.”

“You don’t get to tell me what's fair,” she spat back, starting toward the door. “Do you know what’s really great about all of this? Mom would have _loved_ Carmilla, you know she would have. You’re keeping her ring hostage and she’s not even here to get a say in it.”

“Laura–”

“I’m asking Carmilla to marry me, Dad,” she interrupted, stopping at the doorway of the dining room. She was determined not to cry in front of him, but she couldn’t keep her bottom lip from trembling. “You can either be a part of our life or not, I’m not going to fight with you on this.”

Her dad pressed his lips thin, defeated. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I could tell you the same thing. Thanks for breakfast.”

She left him, unable to bear the weight of that conversation any longer. She escaped through the garage door and retrieved her bike, ready to make the trip back into the city, but she didn’t make it far. Instead of catching the next train into the city, she stopped by a park near the house, one that she used to visit as a kid. She sank onto one of the benches and let go of the tears she’d been holding back since leaving her father’s house.

She always knew this was going to be hard, and maybe she just hadn’t wanted to think about it. She had put it off for as long as possible, but she had known that this would catch up with her eventually. She just thought she would at least be able to hold onto her mother’s ring when she finally broke down.

She was sixteen years old when her mom finally lost her battle with ovarian cancer and Laura was suddenly faced with the harsh reality that there were just some things that she was never going to be able to share with her mother. Like her wedding day, for instance. It obviously hadn’t been a pressing concern at the time, and when she eventually came to terms with that fact that she was gay, the idea of walking down the aisle didn’t really seem pertinent to her at first. At the time, she had been a little more concerned about taking advantage of the fact that she was young and single. It wasn’t until the big push to legalize gay marriage that it really hit her: her mother wasn’t going to be there. When the state of New York officially put its stamp of approval on marriage equality in 2011, the victory struck a hollow chord with Laura. As happy as she was that the movement was finally gaining traction, the fact still remained that if or when she ever found the right girl, her mother was never going to see it happen.

In truth, there was so many stolen moments that Laura still wished she had gotten to share with her mother. Sometimes she would write letters and tuck them away on her bookshelf, imagining that at her mother’s ghost or spirit or whatever would come to read them. It was in these letters that she had first told her mother about Carmilla, and confessed that she had fallen in love before she had ever told anyone else. She had even written a very lengthy letter in discussion over the fact that she was itching to drop to her knees and ask the girl to _marry_ her. These were all one-sided conversations that she’d sent to her mother, but of course she was never going to be able to read her mother’s replies.

Right now, all she really wanted was to feel her mom’s arms around her shoulders again. Sometimes, when she concentrated really hard, she thought that maybe she could still remember the smell of her perfume as she nestled herself close to her mother’s chest. Two of the most important people in her life hated each other, but that alone would have helped make her feel better, like maybe it would be okay or that it would all work out. She didn’t know how to temper the war between her father and the love of her life all on her own. Her mom would have known what to do.

Laura pulled her legs up onto the bench and hugged her knees to her chest. Her jeans were wet where she’d let her tears fall, but she made no move to stay them. Without her mom’s ring, she no longer had a plan. She had been so set on giving Carmilla that ring that she hadn’t really considered an alternative. She didn’t even know where to start.

She furrowed her brows as an idea struck her and she pulled out her phone, searching through her contacts. There really was only one person who knew Carmilla as well as she did—maybe even better.

**[10:23 AM] Laura:** I’ve got a huge favor to ask you. Are you free today?

Laura bit down on her lip and finally reached up to wipe away her tears. Maybe this could be just as good.

**[10:26 AM] Will:** Yeah, I can be free today. What’s up? Is everything okay?

**[10:27 AM] Laura:** It will be. Can I meet you at your place in an hour? I’ll explain

Laura was already unchaining her bike before she got Will’s answer back. If she couldn’t have her mom’s ring, getting Will to help her pick out the perfect one would be the next best thing. She was certain she’d be able to pick the right one with Will’s help.

**[10:29 AM] Will:** I don’t know what’s happening, but you have my attention. See you in an hour, Hollis.

Laura breathed a sigh and smiled to herself, feeling a little better. It wasn’t what she’d planned, and she hoped that her dad would at least pull his head out of the sand long enough to show up to the wedding, but at least now she had a direction. And at the end of the day, she was still going to ask the love of her life to marry her and, frankly, that far outweighed any obstacles that might be in front of her. Nothing else was going to get in her way.

* * *

Carmilla didn’t think she’d ever been happier in her entire life. It had to be some kind of miracle that she had found herself here to begin with. Everything had fallen into place just right and, thanks to Perry, everything had gone without a hitch. Save for her own pre-wedding jitters, she didn’t think the day could have possibly gone more smoothly.

They were at the reception now, and Carmilla could hardly take her eyes of off Laura. Her wife. She kept suddenly remembering that she could actually say that, now. She had never really thought that marriage would be in the cards for her, but she was happy with this. No, scratch that. She was blissfully, ecstatically, and completely satisfied with this turn that her life had taken. And the best part was that she knew Laura was, too.

She held onto Laura’s hand like her life depended on it. She supposed that wasn’t too terribly far from the truth, now. She looked down at their joined hands and warmth spread across her chest for about the millionth time that day. She still couldn’t believe that Laura had surprised her last minute with the ring. She hadn’t understood at first, but as soon as Laura explained, the significance of it was clear.

“Hey, you still hanging in there?” Laura asked, pulling her from her thoughts.

Carmilla looked up to find Laura’s warm brown eyes and she smiled. “Yeah, I guess I’m still just catching up.”

Laura gave her hand a squeeze and leaned forward to take a soft kiss from her lips. “It’s kind of a lot, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Carmilla laughed. She felt like she was seeing stars. “I guess it’s a good thing I can’t really do this alone.”

“Like I’d let you,” Laura countered. She released a soft giggle and looked out on the rest of the reception and Carmilla followed her gaze. There were plenty of people on the dance floor, and LaFontaine was currently tearing it up with Perry. Will looked to be in an involved conversation with Kirsch, of all people, and Danny stood close by. Carmilla vaguely wondered if Kirsch had actually found the guts to ask Danny to come with him. She kind of doubted it, but she wished the two of them would just get it over with.

And finally there was Laura’s dad, John. He honestly had been the last person that she expected to see there, but he’d surprised her. They had never gotten along, even more than Laura realized. But obviously he had been able to choke down his pride long enough to show up at the wedding and walk his daughter down the aisle. She gave him a small smile and raised her hand to wave at him. She thought she could see a twitch of a smile from under his mustache as he nodded back to her.

“I knew he’d come around eventually,” Laura told her with a smile that was practically blinding.

“Oh, you did?” Carmilla asked, raising her eyebrows. Truth be told, she wasn’t exactly convinced that he really had come around. Not really. If anything, today was more of a cease-fire for Laura’s sake.

“Mmhmm,” Laura nodded. “He had to. I’m never letting go of you.”

Despite the fact that they had just publicly announced their commitment to each other in front of everyone they knew, it was still nice to hear Laura say that. She felt a flutter in her chest and bumped her forehead to Laura’s. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Laura smiled.

She looked like she was about to say more, but just as she opened her mouth, the DJ they’d hired announced that it was time that the happy couple share their first dance. Carmilla had almost forgotten about this part.

Carmilla raised her eyebrows at Laura as she stood, amused. She was much more comfortable with the idea of dancing in front of a small crowd than Laura was, she knew, but she also knew that Laura didn’t have anything to be nervous about. She offered her hand to Laura and led her out on to the dance floor.

“So,” she started, pulling Laura close and laying her hand to rest on her waist. The first few notes of _‘I Can’t Help Falling In Love’_ started playing and Carmilla fell into step with it. It was a cover they had both agreed on. Laura had originally wanted some Ed Sheeran song, but Carmilla insisted upon a waltz. “Is it everything you’d hoped?”

Laura chuckled and Carmilla could feel her relax. “And then some. This is better than a fairytale.”

For the most part, much of the wedding had been planned by Laura, with help from Perry. Carmilla had of course given her input every step of the way, but she was more than willing to let Laura take the reigns on this. She was just happy to be here and enjoy the ride.

“Yeah, because it’s real life, cupcake,” Carmilla pointed out, gazing at Laura fondly. “It doesn’t end after ‘happily ever after.’ You get to keep living it. This is just the beginning.”

_Just the beginning._ Never before had those words held so much meaning. It thrilled her to think of what was ahead of them.

* * *

“Okay, so what’s the big emergency?” Will asked, quirking an eyebrow at her as he swung his front door open. Laura and Will had never been close, per se, but they liked each other well enough. Laura recognized that Will held a place in Carmilla’s heart that she would never fill (and nor would she want to) and Will was just grateful that Carmilla was happy. They may not have ever been best friends, but they both cared for Carmilla, and that was a strong enough common thread for them.

Laura gave him a crooked smile, making a face. “Did Carmilla tell you about the other day?”

“She may have mentioned something,” Will replied, narrowing his eyes at her. “After the park?”

She nodded eagerly, stepping inside. “I need your help, you know Carmilla better than anyone.”

“Okay…” Will agreed, furrowing his brows a little. “Help with what, exactly? Didn’t you already ask her?”

“Well, yeah, but I didn’t ask her officially,” she explained. “I still need to get a ring.”

_“Oh,_ I see. And you want help finding the right one.”

Laura gave him a hopeful smile and nodded. “I… I thought I might convince my dad to give me the ring my mom wore, but…” She cleared her throat and shook her head. “That won’t be possible. So I need an alternative.”

Laura could see the understanding fall over Will’s features. She didn’t really want to rehash the fight she’d had with her dad, at least not yet, so she was glad that Will wasn’t making her explain. He was several years into getting his doctorate in psychology, but she wasn’t here for therapy.

“Well, then what are we waiting for?” he asked, giving her a reassuring smile. He pulled his keys from his pocket so he could lock the door behind them. “Lead the way, Hollis.”

Almost four hours and eight jewelry stores later, Laura finally stood in front of the ring that she was going to give to Carmilla. Perhaps she was picky, but she had every right to be. If this was going to be on Carmilla’s hand for the rest of their lives together, it needed to be perfect. She was just glad she had Will here to help.

Will, who had found Laura staring open-mouthed at the glass case before her, waved one of the sales clerks over.

“How can I help you?” the friendly clerk asked, smiling at the two of them.

“Do you think we’d be able to take a look at this ring?” Will asked, pointing it out.

“Of course,” the sales lady replied, unlocking the back of the case so she could slide it open. “Are you two planning a wedding?”

_“Oh,”_ Laura laughed, shaking her head. “It’s not… He’s here to help me choose.”

“Future brother-in-law,” Will added with a nod. “It’s for my sister.”

“Oh that’s fantastic!” The girl lit up, turning to Laura. “Does she know you’re proposing?”

Laura grinned crookedly and nodded. “Yeah, we’ve talked about it. It won’t really be a huge surprise.”

“Well, it’s probably good that you know what answer you’ll get before you buy a ring,” the girl pointed out. She reached into the case and pulled out the ring, holding it out for Laura to examine.

Laura bit her lip as she reached for it, turning it over in her hand to examine it. She wanted to find something that she knew Carmilla would like, something that would fit on her hand. Truthfully, Carmilla could pull off just about anything, but she also typically liked to keep her jewelry minimal. She supposed it might have something to do with the fact that Carmilla spent a lot of her time covered in paint.

“I gotta say, this is the first ring we’ve found that’s made you stop in your tracks like that, Laura,” Will pointed out, giving her a small smirk.

“But will _she_ like it?” Laura asked, though she felt like she already knew the answer. She could see this ring on Carmilla’s hand.

Will’s smile widened. “I think you already know she will.”

The sales lady looked between the two of them. “Did you want to look at any other rings a little closer?”

Laura shook her head, a smile tugging at her lips. “No, I don’t think we do.”

* * *

 

This was it. No matter what doubts Carmilla may have had, it was too late now. But she didn’t have any doubts, now. She had done all of her second-guessing, and had always come back around to one infallible truth: she was in love with Laura Hollis. More than that, she wanted nothing more than to fill the rest of her life with days spent at Laura’s side. She could no longer imagine herself without company of this giant goofball, the love of her life.

She clutched the bouquet of lilies in one hand, her other arm looped through Will’s. Behind the doors at the opposite end of the hall, Laura would be waiting with John (her father—Carmilla preferred to call him by his first name, since it annoyed him) at her side. LaFontaine had been all set to walk with Laura in his place, but had happily given that up when Laura’s dad had shown up, or so Perry had reported. It was perfect, really. Carmilla knew how much Laura had wanted her dad here today.

“You ready, sis?”

Carmilla took a deep breath and gave her brother a firm nod. She took a moment to run one last mental check over the agenda. “Do you have the ring?”

Will smirked and pulled the wedding band out of his pocket. It was pretty and delicate, and it very much reminded her of the one Laura had chosen for her. A smile tugged at her lips as she looked down at the engagement ring she now wore on her right hand. (The wedding band would go on her left, closer to her heart. That was the tradition) It was perfect, honestly, and she loved it even more because Laura had picked it out for her. Carmilla preferred clean lines when it came to jewelry, and the ring that Laura had chosen was enchanting in its simplicity.

Carmilla could feel her heart hammer in her chest, but she didn’t think it was nerves anymore. “Ready.”

He smiled and gave her a quick wink as the doors in front of them pulled open. On the opposite end of the hall, the doors in front of Laura and her father swept open as well and her eyes connected with Laura’s. For a moment, everything stopped.

Carmilla had always thought Laura was beautiful. From the day she’d laid eyes on her pint-sized fiance, she’d been smitten. She was cute, and adorable, and even hot, but Laura wasn’t often the typical picture of grace. That had never really concerned Carmilla. Today, however, Laura _glowed._

Perry had helped them find dresses that would compliment each other, but this was the first time that she’d seen Laura in hers. While Carmilla’s dress was floor-length, Laura’s fell to just below her knees. The entire bodice was covered in lace, but the neckline was sheer. It was pretty and sweet and perfectly Laura. Her honey-colored hair was pulled up into delicate braids, adorned by a veil that matched her own. After taking in every inch of Laura’s figure, her eyes finally fell on the pink shade of her lips, now pulled into a bright smile. Laura had the kind of smile that could single-handedly light up Midtown.

Carmilla realized she must have been staring because Will gave her a small nudge and her heart started beating again.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Never better.”

As she started walking down the aisle, toward Laura, she realized the full truth of that statement. Each step she took toward the center of the room only made it harder for her to keep from running to meet her soon-to-be-wife in the middle. Even still, every moment stretched on until she was finally face to face with the love of her life. The rest of the room may as well have disappeared and she thought she could see unshed tears in Laura’s eyes. Without a word, she let go of her brother’s arm and reached for Laura’s, holding onto her hand.

The officiant, a kind man that Perry knew through some of the events that her restaurant had catered, smiled at them both before he started speaking. “Dearly beloved—”

* * *

After months of planning, the date had finally arrived. They had found the perfect location and had decked the place out in flowers. Large windows lined the hall and the changing colors of the leaves on the trees outside complimented the purple hues of the lilacs they had chosen as decoration. The ceremony wasn’t going to start for at least another hour, but Laura already felt like she was going to jump out of her skin.

She wasn’t nervous, not exactly. It was more that she was just excited. She couldn’t stop pacing, and it didn’t matter how many times LaFontaine tried to calm her, she still couldn’t come down. She was glad at least that LaFontaine and Perry were there to keep her from being reduced to a blubbering mess on the floor.

“Laura, I swear you’re going to burn a hole in that carpet,” LaFontaine told her. They leveled her with a fond look from where they sat near the mirror. “I promise, everything's going smoothly. You guys basically put Perry in charge of this thing, and you know she’s got this whole business on lock.”

“No, I know,” Laura groaned, idly tugging at one of her earrings. She still hadn’t put on her dress yet—a lacy knee-length dress that complimented Carmilla’s—since she didn’t want to risk ruining it before she actually got to walk down the aisle. _“I know._ I just can’t believe we’re really here, you know? We’ve spent months planning, and it’s finally happening.”

LaFontaine stood and grinned at their best friend, reaching to take Laura by both shoulders. “Yeah, tell me about it, frosh. I still remember the night you called me to tell me all about this girl you met at our party. You should be thanking me, you know.”

Laura rolled her eyes, her cheeks flushing a little. She still remembered that night, too. “It doesn’t seem that long ago, does it?”

“Well, I mean,” LaF smirked, “You somehow managed to beat Perry and I to the punch, but when it’s right, it’s right. Yeah?”

She nodded, taking a deep breath. She knew. “It’s definitely right.”

“So stop worrying. It’s gonna be great and we’re all here to support you.”

Well, almost everyone. LaFontaine must have been able to see the disappointment in her eyes because their own smile immediately faltered.

“Laura… I know you were hoping he’d be here.”

“I just thought... “ she shook her head, not wanting to think about this right now. She’d already cried over this enough the past few weeks. “I guess I just thought he wouldn’t be able to stay away. I mean, it’s not like he’s ever gonna get another chance to see his daughter get married.”

“I know.” LaF gave Laura’s arm a comforting squeeze and Laura knew they were just trying to do their best. Between LaFontaine, Perry, and Will, the three of them were trying to fill in as family for both brides. She just never thought she’d have to do this without _both_ of her parents. "Come on, we should start getting you dressed. It's almost time."

Laura took a deep breath and nodded. It was a good idea to keep herself busy if she wanted to put her father out of her mind. She cast her gaze to the dress that hung in the corner. “Yeah, you’re right. Okay, LaF, let’s get me into this dress.”

“Sure thing, boss,” they agreed, giving her arm one more light squeeze before letting go to help with the dress.

Once the dress was on and Laura was seated at the vanity, putting the last touches on her makeup, there was a light knock on the door of her dressing room. Perry poked her head inside.

“Hey, is Laura all dressed and ready?” she asked, a note of urgency in her voice.

“Yeah, but we’ve still got like twenty minutes,” LaF replied, their brows furrowing. “Where’s the fire, Perr?”

“Oh, it’s not that, there’s still plenty of time,” Perry replied, opening the door a little wider. “Now, Laura, try not to ruin your make-up, but…”

Perry stepped aside to let another person into the dressing room, and Laura turned around to find none other than her father, all decked out in his best suit. She could tell he’d even gotten a haircut and trimmed his mustache. “Hey, princess.”

_“Dad!”_ Laura almost launched herself out of her chair to hug her father. She was certain she’d never been so happy to see him in her life. She tucked herself under his chin and sank into the kind of embrace that only a father could give his daughter. If she wasn’t careful, she was going to start crying. “You came! Oh my god, Dad.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” he sighed, kissing the top of her head, his arms draped around her shoulders. She was twenty-five years old, but she would probably always look like a kid next to him. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“It’s okay,” came her muffled reply. At some point LaFontaine and Perry had snuck away to leave them alone and she had to take a deep breath as she pulled away, blinking away tears that still threatened to fall. This was the last hope that she’d had, the last piece of the puzzle to create a perfect day. Out of everything else, from the flowers to the cake and the dresses, all she really wanted was her dad. “I’m just glad you’re here.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he assured her, giving her a small smile. “Lord, you look like your mother. If only she could see how beautiful you are.”

Laura’s breath hitched in her throat and she had to bury herself in his arms again to keep herself from crying. “You can’t do that to me, I already have my makeup on.”

She felt him chuckle against her cheek and his laughter rumbled in her ear. He reached up to smooth her delicately-braided hair. “Sorry, kid. But you know she’s proud of you.”

Laura didn’t reply, but she nodded her head against his chest. _No crying._

“Speaking of your mother…” He pulled away, reaching into his jacket. He looked a little embarrassed and Laura thought she could almost see a trace of a blush on his cheeks. “You were right, you know. She’d want you to have this. It was… Selfish of me to keep it from you.”

He pulled out a small, square box from his breast pocket. Laura knew what it was before he had a chance to open it and there was no holding back now. Tears were already pouring down her cheeks as she laid her eyes on her mother’s wedding ring, nestled in its box. It shined brighter than she remembered and she could tell that he’d had it cleaned.

She was just going to have to fix her makeup later.

_“Dad.”_

“Oh, princess, I’m so sorry,” he told her, taking it out of the box. He took her hand and pressed the ring into her palm, closing her fingers over it. Once he let go he reached up to try and wipe her tears away. “I should have given it to you a long time ago.”

“I… I don’t know what to say,” Laura stammered, opening her hand again to stare at the ring. She had given up hope on changing her dad’s mind long ago, so just holding the ring in her hand was overwhelming. “Thank you.”

“All I want is for you to be happy,” he promised. He breathed a sigh and kissed her forehead. “And I should know better than to think I can tell you what’s going to make you happy. Now, come on. Let’s walk you down that aisle.”

* * *

Carmilla had to ask herself a very important question: What the frilly hell was she thinking?

They were at the church, Carmilla already had her makeup on and she knew this was probably the worst time to be doing this, but this had to be a mistake. How could she think that she was cut out for this? She wasn’t the marrying type.

“Will, I can’t do this.”

Will blinked at her from his seat in the corner, lowering his book. “What?”

“I can’t do this,” she repeated, shaking her head. “Will, this is a bad idea.”

“Okay, let’s just take a deep breath,” he replied, standing up from his chair. He approached her, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

“No, Will,” she protested, yanking her arm away from his touch. “Stop, don’t do your psycho-analyzing crap. I’m calm, okay?”

“Are you sure?” Will asked pointedly, his hand still up. “Because that doesn’t sound calm to me.”

Carmilla took a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut. How could she have let it get this far? They’d spent so much money on this wedding already, they’d hired a caterer, there were rings. “You don’t understand, Will. This isn’t just cold feet, I’m not just throwing a fit because I’m scared.”

Which... Okay, she was scared, but that wasn’t her point. There was a bigger reason for this.

She ran a hand through her hair, trying to force her pulse to even out. “Look, everything is great right now,” she explained. She opened her eyes to meet Will’s. They were full of concern and her brother was yet again proving himself to be the most steadfast support she could ever ask for. “Laura and I love each other, and I want nothing more than to shout that to the entire world.”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but” here,” he replied.

It felt like her heart was going to break inside her chest. “But one day Laura’s going to wake up and realize that I don’t deserve her. I never have. Will, I don’t think I can take that. I’ve ruined everything I’ve ever touched, but I’ll never forgive myself if I ruin her.”

Suddenly a different, much lower voice cut through. “I don’t mean to interrupt.”

Carmilla whipped around to find none other than Officer John Hollis in the doorway. Apparently, he’d decided to show up after all. Which would be great, if she and Laura were actually going to get married today, but Carmilla had already established that they were not.

“I think you found the wrong dressing room, John,” she told him curtly, composing herself. The last thing she wanted was to have a total breakdown in front of her would-be father-in-law, who didn’t even like her to begin with. “Laura’s is on the other side.”

He cleared his throat and stepped fully into the room, closing the door behind him. “Yeah, I guess I should have specified when I said I was looking for the bride.”

The mix-up would have been much funnier if Carmilla wasn’t in the middle of contemplating the pros and cons of actually going through with this whole thing. She pressed her lips thin, not looking John in the eye. She wasn’t sure how much he’d overheard. “Yeah, well. There are two of us.”

There was a moment where neither of them said anything and she could feel the weight of his gaze. It was probably longest he’d ever gone without making some kind of backhanded insult to her.

“I know how you feel,” he finally told her.

Carmilla looked up at him, her brows furrowed. “What?”

“Not feeling like you’re enough,” he continued, stepping forward. “I know how that feels. Laura’s mother was the same way. That woman had a heart bigger than the sun. When she and I got married, I stood exactly where you stand right now.”

Carmilla couldn’t believe this was actually happening. She looked from John to Will, as if he could offer some explanation, before looking back to Laura’s father again. “You… You did?”

John nodded as he approached. “An hour before the wedding I thought I was going to have a heart attack,” he told her. He looked down at her, his mustache as bushy and intimidating as ever, before he finally reached out to grasp both of her shoulders. She wasn’t sure if he’d ever touched her more than to give her a polite handshake before this. “No one was ever going to deserve Laura’s mom, least of all me. I’ve been a little lost without her. She would have known how do all of this stuff, and she would have liked you, I think.”

(At this point, Carmilla wasn’t completely certain that this wasn’t a dream.)

“But as long as you love Laura every day of her life, things will work out.” He punctuated his last remark by touching his hand to her cheek. It was a shockingly gentle gesture, one that she realized she had never known. A father’s touch was something that was unfamiliar to her.

She choked down the lump in her throat. “Thanks, John. That was… Unexpected.”

“I’ve done a lot of thinking the past few months,” he explained, letting go of her. He slipped his hands into his pockets awkwardly. Neither of them really sure what to do with the amount of affection that had just transpired between them. “If you make Laura happy that’s all that matters to me. And you really do, Carmilla. I’ve never seen her happier than she is with you.”

Carmilla had to take another deep breath, reaching out so she could use Will to keep herself steady. Hell may as well have frozen over. “I never expected to get such a good pep-talk from you, John.”

“We’ve all had surprises today, I think.”

Carmilla smiled, an unexpected warmth spreading through her. Laura was going to be so happy when she saw her dad, she was a little sad she was going to miss the reunion. “You should go find Laura.”

She watched his mustache twitch, betraying the smile that hid under it. “So I take it the wedding’s still on.”

She released laugh, nodding. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Glad to hear it, kiddo. I’ll see you on the other side.”

* * *

Holy crap, this was happening.

If it weren’t for the fact that Carmilla was currently clutching onto Laura’s hand, she may have been inclined to think this was a dream. She’d been so focused on this day for months on end that it wouldn’t have been surprising. However, the pressure on her hand assured her that it was, in fact, real. They were really, actually getting married.

Carmilla was gorgeous, of course. Her dress complimented the one she herself currently wore almost perfectly, and she really had to hand it to Perry for helping them make this work. The lace of her skirt reached the floor and the neckline dipped just low enough to remind Laura how much she really loved Carmilla’s clavicle. Her hair fell in dark curls around her face and the pink hues of the blush on her cheeks softened her features. Carmilla had always been stunning, but it was like she was looking at her for the first time.

Their officiant was speaking. Laura knew she probably should have been paying more attention, but she was too studying Carmilla’s features for the millionth time. She was so caught up in the woman in front of her that she almost forgot that they were supposed to be doing something important up here.

Carmilla was going first with her prepared vows, and Laura felt her chest tighten as she watched her fiance take a deep breath. Laura knew she wasn’t really big on speaking in front of crowds, even ones as small as the one that had gathered for the ceremony. She gave Carmilla’s hand a squeeze, trying to somehow convey that it was really just about the two of them.

“Laura” she started. “We met two years ago and I don’t think my feet have touched the ground since. Had you told me then what you would come to mean to me, I’m not sure I would have believed it. You’ve been the most wonderful surprise. You shine so bright and reach such great heights that I just feel lucky that you’re bringing me along for the ride.”

Carmilla took in a breath, pausing to collect herself again. Laura could hear a slight waver in her voice, so she squeezed her hand again. “But you never stopped there. Instead, you’ve pushed me to become a better person and every day I want nothing more than to be worthy of the love you’ve shown me.”

Carmilla turned to Will, who had Laura’s wedding band ready. She took it from him and reached Laura’s hand, the ring poised before her finger. “Today I promise to always stand by your side. I vow to be your partner in this life, through sickness and health, and rain or shine. I promise to love and support you, and to keep you in my heart until there is nothing left of me.”

Laura could feel Carmilla’s hand shake a little as she slipped the band onto her finger. Meanwhile, Laura was just trying to contain herself. She’d somehow managed not to burst into tears in the middle of Carmilla’s vows, but she still had her own to get through.

“Carmilla,” she started. She could already feel her resolve cracking. She may as well just accept that she was going to be in tears by the end of this ceremony. “The night I met you, the sky was blanketed in fireworks. It was the Fourth of July, yes, but two years later you’re still filling my every night with fireworks. You keep me on my toes and you inspire me at every turn. There are nights and years and lifetimes that I want to share with you, and I know that with you by my side I can do anything. I could change the world.”

Laura held Carmilla’s gaze and had to swallow the hitch in her throat before she could continue. This wasn’t even the first time she’d cried today, but honestly she probably should have expected that.

“You and I have had to do a lot of things alone,” she started again, letting go of Carmilla’s hand. She turned to her dad, who had her mother’s ring ready along with the wedding band they’d picked out. “But today I feel so lucky to have my dad here to welcome you into our family, my family. And I know that if she were here today, my mom would have loved you and probably would have taken you into our family immediately. I really wish she could meet you.”

Carmilla furrowed her brows at the ring. She still had her engagement ring on her right hand and this was different and much larger. It was a finely-crafted silver ring with a large diamond in the center, complemented by several sapphires on either side. She looked up at Laura, a question in her eyes.

“When I asked you to marry me in May, my intention had always been to give you this ring,” Laura explained as she reached for Carmilla’s hand. “It was my mother’s. I know that she’d love for you to wear it.”

“Oh my god, Laura.” Carmilla sputtered, her jaw dropping. “It’s… It’s gorgeous. Are you sure?”

Laura nodded eagerly, offering a reassuring smile. “Please. Will you wear it?”

Carmilla hesitated for a moment, glancing toward Laura’s dad, before she nodded. Laura’s face lit up as she slipped first the wedding band and then the new ring onto Carmilla’s left hand. She swore she heard several sniffles from the chairs in front of them—she even thought she saw Will wipe away a tear or two.

“We’ll get it resized so it fits,” Laura promised, finally letting herself shed a few tears of her own. Carmilla nodded and laughed softly, reaching to wipe them away. Laura returned her laugh and took both of her hands. “Carmilla, today I promise to always stand by your side. I vow to be your partner in this life, through sickness and health, and rain or shine. I promise to love and support you, and to keep you in my heart until there is nothing left of me.”

Laura managed to hold Carmilla’s gaze, even though her vision was a little blurry. She could still see that Carmilla was smiling, which was mostly what mattered.

“Laura and Carmilla,” their officiant began, looking a little misty-eyed himself. “It is my honor and my delight to declare you lawfully wedded and partners in life and in the state of New York. You may kiss the bride.”

Laura beamed at Carmilla and reached to hold her face in her hands, pulling her into one of the most blissful kisses they had ever shared. Applause rippled through the crowd that had gathered before them and Laura could have sworn that she heard Kirsch let out a loud whoop. Carmilla laughed and stole another kiss.

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: _Mrs. and Mrs. Karnstein-Hollis.”_

* * *

Carmilla found it incredibly difficult to go about her life like everything was normal when she knew what she did of Laura’s intentions. She went to school and did her homework and painted an alarming amount, but her every idle thought was focused on one thing: Laura was going to propose. For real, this time. Officially. There was a time when she thought that idea would terrify her. That isn’t to say that she wasn’t still apprehensive, but that was mostly just because she was, well… _Excited._

Knowing Laura, she probably had something ridiculous and romantic planned, or she wanted to wait for the perfect moment. While she very much appreciated Laura’s thoughtfulness (it was one of the reasons Carmilla was still so smitten after two years) she also was ready to give her answer. She wasn’t lying when she said she was saving it on the tip of her tongue. Now that she knew what her answer would be, she didn’t want to wait any longer.

Turns out, she really didn’t have to wait that long after all. Laura tried to be casual about it, but when she asked if Carmilla would meet her at Perry and LaFontaine’s for dinner not two weeks later, she immediately knew something was up. It wasn’t uncommon for them to have dinner at Perry and LaF’s, but Laura had never asked her to meet her there. They always went together, so there had to be a specific reason Laura wanted to meet her there instead. It might have been innocent enough under normal circumstances, but Carmilla had a feeling.

She wore a dress there. It was black, like most of her dresses, but this one was lace and tied in the back. It was probably the most delicate thing she owned, and so it seemed appropriate. It was probably silly, but if Laura was really going to do this tonight, she wanted to look pretty.

She arrived on Perry and LaFontaine’s doorstep a little later than she had intended, but that was the subway’s fault. She gave them both a tight-lipped smile as they opened the door, waving. “Hey, sorry I’m late guys.”

“Yeah, jeez Morticia, took you long enough.” LaFontaine smirked, pulling her into the apartment.

Carmilla rolled her eyes at them. “Hey, you know how the subway is. They had to stop for maintenance.”

“Well, no need to worry about it, we’re just glad you’re here. Come!” Perry grabbed her hand and whirled her around, immediately wrapping a blindfold around her head.

“Whoah whoah, what is this?” she exclaimed, grabbing onto LaFontaine for balance.

“It’s a blindfold, what’s it look like?” they replied, stating the obvious. “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna do anything weird.”

“Says the science enthusiast. Don’t think I don’t know what you did to Perry’s microwave that one time.” There was a reason Perry labeled most of her kitchen appliances with “No Science!!!”

“Hey, no need to bring that up dude. How was I supposed to know Lord Voldemort himself would explode from a Nokia phone?”

“It is pretty great that you got it on video,” Carmilla smirked, the blindfold now tied snugly around her eyes.

“Hey, don’t encourage them,” Perry scolded, idly smoothing the waist of Carmilla’s dress. She also tightened the bow on the back of it and neatly arranged Carmilla’s curled hair over her shoulders.

Carmilla raised an eyebrow at her. “Everything alright, Perr?”

“Mm? Oh! Oh yes, of course,” she replied hurriedly. Carmilla thought she could hear a sniffle, which only further confirmed her suspicions. Perry was a terrible liar and a sucker for romance. “You just look so beautiful, Carmilla.”

She couldn’t tell with the blindfold on, but it sounded like Perry may have had to hide her sniffling in LaFontaine’s shoulder.

“Ookay, come on, Karnstein. Let’s take you up to the roof,” LaF interjected, saving Perry from having to explain herself.

“The roof? You couldn’t have blindfolded me once we got up there?”

“And where would the fun in that be?”

Carmilla rolled her eyes underneath her blindfold and released a long-suffering sigh. “Alright, ginger twins,” she relented, holding out her arms to the two of them. “But if I wind up on my face, I’m never forgiving either of you.”

“Yeah yeah,” LaFontaine replied, ushering her back out the door so they could lead her to the rooftop.

After a clumsy game of follow-the-leader, the three of them arrived on the rooftop landing. Someone, Carmilla thought it was LaFontaine, opened the door and she could feel the night air on her skin. Perry and LaF both steered Carmilla out a little further onto the roof and then turned her, though she still couldn’t see anything.

“Am I allowed to take this blindfold off, now? You guys aren’t just going to leave me up here, are you?”

“Don’t worry, you know Perry would never let me do that.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?”

Perry tsked at the two of them. “Now Carmilla, just count to ten and then take your blindfold off. Okay?”

Carmilla realized she probably didn’t have a choice, and besides, LaF was right. Perry wasn’t the pranking type. “Count to ten, got it.”

“Okay, great!” she heard LaFontaine call. She could already hear them both scurrying away. “See you later, Carmilla!”

Carmilla released a breath through her lips before she did as she was told, counting to ten slowly. She only got to five before she was interrupted.

“They said count to ten, not ten _years.”_

“I was counting seconds! If I was supposed to count faster then maybe they should have specified.”

“Just take off your blindfold, would you?”

Carmilla clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “No need to be so demanding, cupcake.”

A smile played on her lips as she reached up to untie her blind fold. She opened her eyes once it was off and was met with a sight that took her breath away. Laura stood in the middle of the rooftop, surrounded by paper lanterns that were all scattered along the ground and lining the edge of the railing. Drawn on each of the paper lanterns there were dozens of colorful bursts of fireworks and a pathway was lit from Carmilla’s feet to a table set for two and Laura. She was wearing a black blazer with tiny giraffes on the blouse she wore underneath and her hair fell in curls around her face. Carmilla had to remind herself how to breathe.

“Laura…”

Laura’s smile pulled to one side in that lopsided way that she adored. “I wanted to get you real fireworks, but decided I prooobably shouldn’t set the roof on fire. LaF was disappointed.”

“Laura, this is amazing,” she breathed, following the path to meet Laura. She reached out for both of her hands.

“Yeah?” Laura beamed. She rose onto her toes to steal a soft kiss. “I was hoping you’d like it.”

Carmilla laughed and shook her head, wrapping both of her arms around her girlfriend. She desperately tried to make sense of it. Where exactly had she gone so right? What had she done to deserve this, and how could she repeat it for the rest of her life?

“I love you,” murmured, still holding Laura close, her nose buried in golden hair.

She felt a soft kiss against her neck. “I love you too, Carm.”

Carmilla breathed her in before pulling back to look at Laura. She bit her lip. “Don’t make me wait until after dinner.”

Laura raised her eyebrows, amused. “Oh? You don’t want to wait?”

She shook her head and raised her hands to hold Laura’s face in her hands. “Please. I’m ready.”

It was Laura’s turn to take a deep breath and Carmilla watched as she reached into the pocket of her blazer. She pulled out a small, black box and cracked it open. Inside there lay a delicate ring with a modest but clear diamond at the center. The silver of the band twisted around and split off to hold onto the diamond almost like it was made of tiny tree branches. It was _perfect,_ and Carmilla felt her heart jump into her throat at the sight of it. Carmilla wasn’t sure how Laura had tracked a ring like this down, but she loved every inch of it. She hadn’t even put it on yet and it looked like it belonged on her finger.

“Nothing in the world would make me happier than the pleasure of spending my life with you,” Laura told her, still standing close. She reached for Carmilla’s left hand and kissed her knuckles.

At this point, Carmilla was ready to shove the ring onto her finger herself.

“Will you marry me?”

For a moment, it felt like everything in Carmilla’s entire life had lined up perfectly to lead her here. The entire universe was in sync.

_“Yes.”_

* * *

Laura wasn’t sure if she was supposed to feel different, now. It seemed like it was one of those things that was supposed to be earth-shattering, like graduating from high school or sex for the first time, but in reality she mostly felt the same. Which wasn’t _bad_ by any means, she was happier than she’d ever been. She had just declared to the world that she had found the love of her life, and she still felt like she could shout it from a few more rooftops. Maybe that was more than enough.

Once the ceremony was over, there was a small break before the reception was set to begin. This meant that after an entire day of not seeing each other, she and Carmilla would get a chance to be alone for a little while. They couldn’t afford to lose track of time, but she hadn’t been alone with Carmilla since early that morning. All she wanted was to stop time for a bit and get lost in Carmilla’s arms.

As soon as the door was closed, Laura was pulling Carmilla close, as careful as she possibly could to mind both of their (very expensive) dresses while she kissed her wife the way that she hadn’t been able to in front of their wedding guests. The kiss had been innocent enough at first, but they were both so eager to just be next to each other that there was no point in being shy.

“Carm,” she breathed, her hands spreading across Carmilla’s back. She slowly pulled her deeper into the dressing room that they had escaped to. “How much time do we have?”

Carmilla pulled away just enough to peer up at the clock above the mirror. “An hour? Maybe a little less.”

Laura grinned and reached for the zipper on Carmilla’s dress. “Good, we can work with that.”

Carmilla laughed but made no move to stop her. To contrary, she was already reaching for the zipper on her own dress. “Just like that, huh? How romantic.”

“I don’t see you complaining,” Laura countered, carefully tugging the lacey dress off of Carmilla’s shoulders. She at least took the time to drape it over one of the chairs. “Besides, do you have any idea how amazing you look?”

Carmilla grinned and helped Laura out of her own dress. “Probably about as good as you look,” she replied. She turned to drape the Laura’s dress next to hers and returned to Laura’s arms as fast as she could. “God, I love you.”

Laura giggled and kissed her, pulling her close again by her hips. “And we’re married.”

“If someone had told me two years ago that this is where I’d wind up, I probably would have laughed in their face. What have you done to me, Laura Hollis?”

She cleared her throat pointedly. _“Karnstein-Hollis.”_

“Mm, shut up,” Carmilla smirked, pushing her back to the chair in the corner of the room. “We’re wasting time.”

Laura yelped and landed in the chair, only to find that Carmilla was already pushing the edge of her slip up her thighs and knocking her knees apart.

* * *

Never before had weekends been so important to Carmilla. It was her time to relax and not worry about school so much, and sometimes even paint for herself. She couldn’t remember weekends being like this when she was a teenager, possibly because she’d been living with her foster mother back then. If anything, school had been an escape, even if she hated homework and liked her teachers even less. At the very least, she could shut everyone out by burying herself in a book. It had been a little harder to do that, at home.

But she didn’t have that problem any longer. Now, home meant Laura and being surrounded by everything she loved. Every moment she got to spend in her own house was a blessing.

Even more than that, though, home meant letting Laura drag her away from her easel and out into the sun. She didn’t take her time with Laura for granted, especially considering how busy they both were. Laura was working hard on her book and Carmilla was gearing up for her finals. Their time together was not a commodity that Carmilla could afford to waste. So when Laura asked her to spend a Sunday afternoon with her at Central Park, she had a hard time saying no, even with the unseemly number of tourists that were bound to be there.

Truth be told, she was happy to give in. She’d be loathe to let Laura know just how easily convinced she was, but Carmilla was always just satisfied to be with her. Every tourist in New York City could be crowding around their little park bench next to the lake and Carmilla would still only see Laura.

She cast her gaze out onto the water, letting a small smile tug at the corners of her lips. She could feel Laura’s eyes on her. It was a something that she had grown accustomed to, and she found recently that it was happening with increasing frequency. It was always with that same, spaced-out glimmer in her eyes, as well.

“Cupcake,” Carmilla finally said, smirking as she watched Laura jerk out of her distracted thoughts. She probably didn’t even realize she was doing it.

“Mm?” came her innocent reply.

“You’re staring.” Carmilla glanced at Laura from the corner of her eye, bemused. “Got something on your mind?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOO man that was a long chapter, I really hope you guys like it. tell me all about how emotional a hollstein wedding would make you over on [tumblr](http://operativelawsons.tumblr.com/), yeah?


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